Yesterday, in a conversation with Mom, I realized how stressed out she is. It seemed that she was taking the whole going to live with my brother in stride and actually looking forward to it. Now, I am not so sure and it concerns me, greatly.
The most difficult thing about all this is that I find it very hard to converse with Mom. She is usually angry with me or, at least appears to be. So, having a conversation about a big Life-changing event is fraught with misunderstanding, lack of clarity and defensiveness - and that's just on my end.
At almost 82, a big move could be very funky and I don't want to precipitate a downward spiral for her. The thing is, I have a need for change and growth. If you've read through my posts, you know that I've been writing about this for awhile. I think I am getting clearer on the what's, and the how's of this change I am making.
I've decided to go back to school, stay steady with the job, make eating and exercise changes and find a new living environment. It would be great to move into the city and be around a few more single people, closer to work, use public transportation (and get some unscheduled exercise), live near my daughter's school and friends - all that would be great. I'm tired of the suburban Life, I thought it would be perfect for the little one, but she's no longer little and it doesn't feed my Spirit.
I am, however, concerned about the cost to Mom.
I don't have any answers for this right now. I suppose it will take a few more difficult conversations and open-hearted prayer to work this out. I'm breathing, I'm breathing...
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
When No Means No
David was certainly right in one respect - according to several folks on the interview panel, every applicant checked the requisite boxes and only one had the related experience. That one will be my new team lead.
I had some mixed feelings about this; she's about 15 years younger and, while bright, will need a good deal of support to get the job done. I'll certainly rise to the occasion and help her adjust.
I learned a few things about myself as I walked through this experience. I didn't really want that job. I haven't really wanted a job with this outfit for as long as I've been here. Initially, it was because the loss of my business wounded me deeply, then it was the boss from hell whom I swear sat up nights thinking of dramatic ways she could torture me.
Lately, though, in this department I've been a part of for a year now, it hasn't been bad. I've had a chance to breathe, use my mind and be creative. I've been appreciated for my work and that has had a healing effect. I've learned a great deal about people and how they work/break apart/stir up mess/and generally act like fallible human beings. I've learned a great deal about myself and my susceptibility to go along with the emotional crowd. When I am operating in a weakened mode (fearful of the future and angry about the past) I forget myself and take part in all the ways of being I dislike. I gossip and criticize, bitch and moan, whine and complain - yechh!
This new job would have meant more money, more responsiblity and more ability to influence the world around me. I want all these things. So, it was a mild surprise to discover that once I saw the carrot up close I would, in my own unconscious style, say no to it. I kept telling myself what a good opportunity it was, but I was never excited about the work. Some part of me was whispering that there is something more, some place to stand that has a completeness to it, that is a truer reflection of the Gayle that I am.
My Spirit said "no" long before my mind could wrap itself around the idea. I had to re-do the application 4 times before I realized that skipping parts and and leaving out vital information might be more than mere oversight. How did I get so far away from my dreams and desires? I'd been so far away that even a pallid facsimile of my deepest wishes seemed good enough.
There is a part of me that worries about what my Life will be like if I don't take the safe course. But, I'm having a feeling similar to the one I had when I left Wall St. There is something calling me that I cannot ignore, a path that I am compelled to walk.
It has already started and will continue with school - much as I cringe at the commitment of time, there's a PhD in my future. I'm going to try not to relocate, but in the end it will depend on which program accepts me. All this is scheduled for fall of 2008 - not very far away, by my vision, and there is so much to do between here and there.
I'll tell more as it unfolds, but there are wings I haven't used in a while and flying seems the only way forward.
Spring is a wonderful time, don't you think???
I had some mixed feelings about this; she's about 15 years younger and, while bright, will need a good deal of support to get the job done. I'll certainly rise to the occasion and help her adjust.
I learned a few things about myself as I walked through this experience. I didn't really want that job. I haven't really wanted a job with this outfit for as long as I've been here. Initially, it was because the loss of my business wounded me deeply, then it was the boss from hell whom I swear sat up nights thinking of dramatic ways she could torture me.
Lately, though, in this department I've been a part of for a year now, it hasn't been bad. I've had a chance to breathe, use my mind and be creative. I've been appreciated for my work and that has had a healing effect. I've learned a great deal about people and how they work/break apart/stir up mess/and generally act like fallible human beings. I've learned a great deal about myself and my susceptibility to go along with the emotional crowd. When I am operating in a weakened mode (fearful of the future and angry about the past) I forget myself and take part in all the ways of being I dislike. I gossip and criticize, bitch and moan, whine and complain - yechh!
This new job would have meant more money, more responsiblity and more ability to influence the world around me. I want all these things. So, it was a mild surprise to discover that once I saw the carrot up close I would, in my own unconscious style, say no to it. I kept telling myself what a good opportunity it was, but I was never excited about the work. Some part of me was whispering that there is something more, some place to stand that has a completeness to it, that is a truer reflection of the Gayle that I am.
My Spirit said "no" long before my mind could wrap itself around the idea. I had to re-do the application 4 times before I realized that skipping parts and and leaving out vital information might be more than mere oversight. How did I get so far away from my dreams and desires? I'd been so far away that even a pallid facsimile of my deepest wishes seemed good enough.
There is a part of me that worries about what my Life will be like if I don't take the safe course. But, I'm having a feeling similar to the one I had when I left Wall St. There is something calling me that I cannot ignore, a path that I am compelled to walk.
It has already started and will continue with school - much as I cringe at the commitment of time, there's a PhD in my future. I'm going to try not to relocate, but in the end it will depend on which program accepts me. All this is scheduled for fall of 2008 - not very far away, by my vision, and there is so much to do between here and there.
I'll tell more as it unfolds, but there are wings I haven't used in a while and flying seems the only way forward.
Spring is a wonderful time, don't you think???
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Life Is Enough
Sipping on a Starbuck's Mocha, I am working through an emotional upheaval. A promotion at work has been talked about for a couple of months now. It entails my applying for the particular position, being selected by the automated HR system as a candidate and then interviewing. My boss would really like for me to get it; I would really like to get it. The automated system doesn't think I'm qualified.
Yesterday, an HR rep explained to me what was needed in my app to qualify me, my boss told me to get it done. I sat at my computer and remembered an old set of job responsibilities I had not put on my current resume. They surfaced as I thought about a client I worked with for about 6 years. I can stretch those skills, I thought, to fit this job.
And that's what I did; quickly accessing an old resume I attached the narrative to the automated file and checked off the needed boxes and submitted. Done. I would now be selected by the system.
On the ride home however, I began to think about what had just taken place and my insides started to get queasy and I was immediately thrown off balance. Did the experience I had really fit with the requirements? I needed to think about it and I hadn't. I called my boss to let him know that it was done, but that I was going to make changes because I had been hasty in my submission. I called the HR rep as well. Still, I was queasy, and I'll be honest and say why. Because there was a part of me (not so small a part) that wanted to just leave it as it was. It would get me what I wanted, right? Maybe.
Driving to my child's soccer game this morning, I thought about that - about how easy it can be to just stretch the truth into a lie. I haven't had a lot of tolerance when I've seen it in others, but the reality of facing it in myself changed some of that, I think. Suddenly, I got the whole weapons of mass destruction strategy. I mean what was riding on that stretch of the truth? Being able to best George, Sr, giving America a victory, carving a good, strong name for oneself in the history books, lining the coffers of your political base and/or getting the scoundrel who slipped out of your Dad's grasp are probably some or all of the motivations for the stretch of truth that turned into the big lie.
And now I get it. It's an easy trap to fall into. Luckily, I hung in and thought about my role and responsibilities with the organization in question. I realized that in one category I really did not have the experience I claimed. I went online and changed my submission to reflect that truth and the queasiness got worse.
This time I realized my funky stomach was tied to potentially losing something I wanted, to having to suffer the frustration of my boss when he realizes that I (more than likely) will not be selected by the system for an interview, to not being able to clear my debt and buy all the things I've been dreaming of for the past few months.
HOLD UP! Wait a minute! And now, like never before I get present moment thinking and living. Trapped by time, my mind created this horror of consequences. Consequences from the unconscious action of submitting my experience without thinking it through. Then, I imagined the consequences of removing the experience from my application. But, none of those consequences has actually happened. Maybe they will, maybe not. It doesn't really matter. They're not happening NOW.
Right now, I have done what I believe to be the right thing. I think I have also learned something from the experience. Two checks in the "good for me" column.
While the mind links things together (like getting a promotion and clearing my debts), the spiritual reality of Life (as I know it to be true) is that these things are not necessarily linked. There are an infinite number of circumstances that can afford me the release of my debt. From changing my own thoughts about money and the behaviors that result (both of which I am working on) to the possibility of job offers I don't know of yet, there are many, many ways this can work out.
Two blogger friends have reminded me of that lately, Edie (whose space is private, so no link is published here) and David (who's Not Quite There Yet - see links to right). I don't think either would mind if I briefly described my take on their circumstances.
Edie, thoughtful, encouraging and a caretaker, has had enormous change in her Life during the past 18 months. An escalating mortgage (don't believe the low variable APR hype) caused her and her husband to give up the home they had cherished. Then, not long after moving into a townhome, they were told they had to move because the homes were being torn down. Rugs were literally being pulled out from under them left and right.
Yesterday (don't you just Love the timing?), I read on Edie's blog that she and her husband had just marked off the land for a new home they are about to build and for which they have received financing. A brand new home, built the way they want it, on land they appreciate and value because it is family land. How amazing is Life?, I ask you. Life is not linear, there are no fixed routes.
David has been wanting to relocate so he is closer to his piece of land (from Alabama to New York State) and retirement. For the past year or so, I have read on his blog about interviews and dashed hopes. No luck with this or that job, recruiters who lie, companies that simply don't believe he has the IT experience on his resume (cause he's a mature man, not a 30 something fast tracker). At one point he actually accepted a position (signed documents to that effect), resigned from his job and relocated to be told on his first day that there was no job - oops!
Through all this, not without frustration and anger, David kept plugging away. Need I say that he is now much closer to his home in NY, in a new job that he seems to like (though for David, like may be a strong word) and working towards his plan of retirement?
These folk help me understand that the circumstance and the path are not my concern. Where I am headed and my focus on the steps in front of me are all I need to manage. What is the next thing, the best thing to do now and now and now. That's it. Life will unfold and I will Be in it. That's all I can do and that is wonderfully, magically enough.
Love to you all...
Gayle
Yesterday, an HR rep explained to me what was needed in my app to qualify me, my boss told me to get it done. I sat at my computer and remembered an old set of job responsibilities I had not put on my current resume. They surfaced as I thought about a client I worked with for about 6 years. I can stretch those skills, I thought, to fit this job.
And that's what I did; quickly accessing an old resume I attached the narrative to the automated file and checked off the needed boxes and submitted. Done. I would now be selected by the system.
On the ride home however, I began to think about what had just taken place and my insides started to get queasy and I was immediately thrown off balance. Did the experience I had really fit with the requirements? I needed to think about it and I hadn't. I called my boss to let him know that it was done, but that I was going to make changes because I had been hasty in my submission. I called the HR rep as well. Still, I was queasy, and I'll be honest and say why. Because there was a part of me (not so small a part) that wanted to just leave it as it was. It would get me what I wanted, right? Maybe.
Driving to my child's soccer game this morning, I thought about that - about how easy it can be to just stretch the truth into a lie. I haven't had a lot of tolerance when I've seen it in others, but the reality of facing it in myself changed some of that, I think. Suddenly, I got the whole weapons of mass destruction strategy. I mean what was riding on that stretch of the truth? Being able to best George, Sr, giving America a victory, carving a good, strong name for oneself in the history books, lining the coffers of your political base and/or getting the scoundrel who slipped out of your Dad's grasp are probably some or all of the motivations for the stretch of truth that turned into the big lie.
And now I get it. It's an easy trap to fall into. Luckily, I hung in and thought about my role and responsibilities with the organization in question. I realized that in one category I really did not have the experience I claimed. I went online and changed my submission to reflect that truth and the queasiness got worse.
This time I realized my funky stomach was tied to potentially losing something I wanted, to having to suffer the frustration of my boss when he realizes that I (more than likely) will not be selected by the system for an interview, to not being able to clear my debt and buy all the things I've been dreaming of for the past few months.
HOLD UP! Wait a minute! And now, like never before I get present moment thinking and living. Trapped by time, my mind created this horror of consequences. Consequences from the unconscious action of submitting my experience without thinking it through. Then, I imagined the consequences of removing the experience from my application. But, none of those consequences has actually happened. Maybe they will, maybe not. It doesn't really matter. They're not happening NOW.
Right now, I have done what I believe to be the right thing. I think I have also learned something from the experience. Two checks in the "good for me" column.
While the mind links things together (like getting a promotion and clearing my debts), the spiritual reality of Life (as I know it to be true) is that these things are not necessarily linked. There are an infinite number of circumstances that can afford me the release of my debt. From changing my own thoughts about money and the behaviors that result (both of which I am working on) to the possibility of job offers I don't know of yet, there are many, many ways this can work out.
Two blogger friends have reminded me of that lately, Edie (whose space is private, so no link is published here) and David (who's Not Quite There Yet - see links to right). I don't think either would mind if I briefly described my take on their circumstances.
Edie, thoughtful, encouraging and a caretaker, has had enormous change in her Life during the past 18 months. An escalating mortgage (don't believe the low variable APR hype) caused her and her husband to give up the home they had cherished. Then, not long after moving into a townhome, they were told they had to move because the homes were being torn down. Rugs were literally being pulled out from under them left and right.
Yesterday (don't you just Love the timing?), I read on Edie's blog that she and her husband had just marked off the land for a new home they are about to build and for which they have received financing. A brand new home, built the way they want it, on land they appreciate and value because it is family land. How amazing is Life?, I ask you. Life is not linear, there are no fixed routes.
David has been wanting to relocate so he is closer to his piece of land (from Alabama to New York State) and retirement. For the past year or so, I have read on his blog about interviews and dashed hopes. No luck with this or that job, recruiters who lie, companies that simply don't believe he has the IT experience on his resume (cause he's a mature man, not a 30 something fast tracker). At one point he actually accepted a position (signed documents to that effect), resigned from his job and relocated to be told on his first day that there was no job - oops!
Through all this, not without frustration and anger, David kept plugging away. Need I say that he is now much closer to his home in NY, in a new job that he seems to like (though for David, like may be a strong word) and working towards his plan of retirement?
These folk help me understand that the circumstance and the path are not my concern. Where I am headed and my focus on the steps in front of me are all I need to manage. What is the next thing, the best thing to do now and now and now. That's it. Life will unfold and I will Be in it. That's all I can do and that is wonderfully, magically enough.
Love to you all...
Gayle
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles
As I Live more and more in the present moment (by simply being mindful of it) I find my attention is on what I have, not what I lack. I have decided to start each day naming 5 things for which I am grateful. Today's list of things for which I am grateful:
- The Love of my child who is such a beautiful Spirit and who expresses her Love and care for me daily.
- The Love of my mother, which is fierce and unwavering.
- My home, which is comfortable and rests on land which is alive and vibrant.
- My work, which requires that I use my mind in ways I had long put away.
- The new balance I have acquired through the opening of my heart.
This week's movie is "Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles". It is a story that is complex and yet simple, too. About a quiet and intense Japanese fisherman who attempts to make amends with his estranged son by filming an opera performance. I enjoyed it for it's window into Chinese (yes, I know I said he was Japanese, stay with me) culture and for this story of a man who is learning about himself, Love and melting the ice around his heart.
I have believed for a very long time that we attract what we need/desire to us. This is not difficult, but a matter of course, a natural occurrence. As I observe my mental perspectives, I can see that the themes of the film have been recent themes in my own thought patterns. Melting the ice around my heart melt, for example. For some time now, I have been an odd combination of warmth and, simultaneously, chill. I'm not quite sure how this will change, though I believe it will. I am content to simply be mindful of breathing more and more heart into my words and actions and allowing the change to unfold.
I hope your Saturday is brilliant and whatever seeming obstacles crop up provide some laughter and golden moments for you.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day
For years I have been jealous of couples on Valentine's Day. "Where is mine?" I would think as roses were delivered to the office or co-workers talked about the wonderful things they would do with their partners, later that evening.
This year, I am oddly liberated from my past frustrations, wishes, anxiety and fear. I am happy to hear about all the joy that others will find on the day of Love. My two old flames are both dating new women and I am happy for them, too. Gone is the constricted heart that arose everytime I thought one of them might find happiness with someone else. These days, I wish them happiness - all that they can find.
As for me, I have ceased trying to figure things out and that has become a comfort of untold magnitude! I was not very good at deciphering Life's roadsigns, anyway. Few of my plans came to fruition (though the ones that did have been great and magnificent gifts) and so many things I had not even considered became real. Through it all, I have become Gayle. Peeling back layers, peeking into mirrors, learning to Love what I see. Embracing Life; like a baby learning to walk, I stumble. Then, I get up and try again.
You know, I am starting to understand what it really means to have abundance; to be free from want and lack. It doesn't mean that there aren't things or circumstances that I desire, because I think as a human I am wired to desire. But, it means I am comfortable with the ambiguity, the uncertainty, the chaos of Life. It means I trust Life, not to be perfect, but to be alive, energized, full of possibility, at all times.
Remembering that I am a living manifestation of Spirit makes it easy to trust as Life unfolds. When I thought I had to manage everything, keep everything under control, I found myself stressed and turning to my habitual behaviors to keep me from going under. These past few weeks I have been short-circuiting that circular, negative and unproductive thinking and have found it easier to live the lifestyle I know is best for me.
I've been exercising, drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. I have not obtained perfect balance, but that's a judgment, after all, isn't it? What I am really after is more Joy in each day, each hour, each moment. I am finding it, little by little.
Even though I knew in my head that another human being couldn't make me happy, I am beginning to understand with my heart and soul why this is true. I have to be happy in order to be happy with someone else. And, truthfully, I have tended to see (and anticipate) Life's disappointments with far more clarity than its opportunities.
But, that is all in the past. Right now, in this moment I am sharing my secrets with my friends in blogland and I am happy. I am alive, I am at peace, I am full of wonder, learning and Joy. Right now, and now, and now. Tomorrow will take care of itself and yesterday was only a dream. This moment is my Life and I give thanks for it.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours! May every one of you be filled with complete and perfect Love, from the inside out.
This year, I am oddly liberated from my past frustrations, wishes, anxiety and fear. I am happy to hear about all the joy that others will find on the day of Love. My two old flames are both dating new women and I am happy for them, too. Gone is the constricted heart that arose everytime I thought one of them might find happiness with someone else. These days, I wish them happiness - all that they can find.
As for me, I have ceased trying to figure things out and that has become a comfort of untold magnitude! I was not very good at deciphering Life's roadsigns, anyway. Few of my plans came to fruition (though the ones that did have been great and magnificent gifts) and so many things I had not even considered became real. Through it all, I have become Gayle. Peeling back layers, peeking into mirrors, learning to Love what I see. Embracing Life; like a baby learning to walk, I stumble. Then, I get up and try again.
You know, I am starting to understand what it really means to have abundance; to be free from want and lack. It doesn't mean that there aren't things or circumstances that I desire, because I think as a human I am wired to desire. But, it means I am comfortable with the ambiguity, the uncertainty, the chaos of Life. It means I trust Life, not to be perfect, but to be alive, energized, full of possibility, at all times.
Remembering that I am a living manifestation of Spirit makes it easy to trust as Life unfolds. When I thought I had to manage everything, keep everything under control, I found myself stressed and turning to my habitual behaviors to keep me from going under. These past few weeks I have been short-circuiting that circular, negative and unproductive thinking and have found it easier to live the lifestyle I know is best for me.
I've been exercising, drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. I have not obtained perfect balance, but that's a judgment, after all, isn't it? What I am really after is more Joy in each day, each hour, each moment. I am finding it, little by little.
Even though I knew in my head that another human being couldn't make me happy, I am beginning to understand with my heart and soul why this is true. I have to be happy in order to be happy with someone else. And, truthfully, I have tended to see (and anticipate) Life's disappointments with far more clarity than its opportunities.
But, that is all in the past. Right now, in this moment I am sharing my secrets with my friends in blogland and I am happy. I am alive, I am at peace, I am full of wonder, learning and Joy. Right now, and now, and now. Tomorrow will take care of itself and yesterday was only a dream. This moment is my Life and I give thanks for it.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours! May every one of you be filled with complete and perfect Love, from the inside out.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Pan and Babel
Well this week marks a sort of triumph - I went to the movies twice, as an adult, without a child for whom I needed to edit the choice of said movies. Hip, Hip, Hurray for me!!!
Both movies (though I did not plan it, nor even had an awareness of it until just now) revolved aroung the lives of children. Irony, eh? They were both international films and worthy of seeing. The first was Pan's Labyrinth. An incredibly beautiful and moving story of a little girl whose Life is privileged and harsh; set against the backdrop of post-WWII Spain. It is a movies which is rich in detail, nuance and depth. In the interest of your going to see it, I won't describe it much further. Suffice it to say that this movie will tug at you, play with you and, ultimately, ask you to face reality. How much fantasy you are willing to bring with you is the question you must answer in the end. Absolutely beautiful.
The second film I saw was Babel. Set in Morocco, Japan and Mexico this movie was, well, a very good try. I found I could not connect to the American characters as deeply as was called for, in order to consider this a great film. The American characters were too self-absorbed and shallow which, I get is the point the director is attempting to make about Americans, but it was far too obvious and lacking in texture.
The entire time I watched the story in Japan unfold, I admit I was caught up in being a Mom, terrified for the daughter and the chances she was taking in Life because of her pain. The Mexican story was beautiful to watch and, in the end, sad and horrifying to endure. And, truthfully, it was in some ways predictable.
However, this is a film worth seeing for the way it captures the joy and the brutality of Life and for the acting which is better than good (at least a B+).
I think my ambiguous feeling arise from the fact that there is simply no redemption for anyone, only the brutality of consequence or the benefits of privilege are displayed in the film. But the director does a good job of building the film and the actors good jobs of presenting. Of course, this film has much more money behind it (I suspect) than Pan, so it will likely take more awards. Still, you should go see it.
Lastly, I do have some thoughts on this mind focus work I've been doing, but they'll have to wait a bit before I share. It's late and time for sleep.
Whatever your frailties, faults or failures, may you find redemption and freedom on your path.
Both movies (though I did not plan it, nor even had an awareness of it until just now) revolved aroung the lives of children. Irony, eh? They were both international films and worthy of seeing. The first was Pan's Labyrinth. An incredibly beautiful and moving story of a little girl whose Life is privileged and harsh; set against the backdrop of post-WWII Spain. It is a movies which is rich in detail, nuance and depth. In the interest of your going to see it, I won't describe it much further. Suffice it to say that this movie will tug at you, play with you and, ultimately, ask you to face reality. How much fantasy you are willing to bring with you is the question you must answer in the end. Absolutely beautiful.
The second film I saw was Babel. Set in Morocco, Japan and Mexico this movie was, well, a very good try. I found I could not connect to the American characters as deeply as was called for, in order to consider this a great film. The American characters were too self-absorbed and shallow which, I get is the point the director is attempting to make about Americans, but it was far too obvious and lacking in texture.
The entire time I watched the story in Japan unfold, I admit I was caught up in being a Mom, terrified for the daughter and the chances she was taking in Life because of her pain. The Mexican story was beautiful to watch and, in the end, sad and horrifying to endure. And, truthfully, it was in some ways predictable.
However, this is a film worth seeing for the way it captures the joy and the brutality of Life and for the acting which is better than good (at least a B+).
I think my ambiguous feeling arise from the fact that there is simply no redemption for anyone, only the brutality of consequence or the benefits of privilege are displayed in the film. But the director does a good job of building the film and the actors good jobs of presenting. Of course, this film has much more money behind it (I suspect) than Pan, so it will likely take more awards. Still, you should go see it.
Lastly, I do have some thoughts on this mind focus work I've been doing, but they'll have to wait a bit before I share. It's late and time for sleep.
Whatever your frailties, faults or failures, may you find redemption and freedom on your path.
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