There was an email circulating, not too long ago, that asked those who wanted to stop violence against women of color to wear red, on Oct. 31. I forwarded that email to a number of friends of both genders and varying skin hues. A couple of days later I got a sound thrashing from a dear friend of mine. She rightly and not so gently reminded me that violence against women knows no preference for color.
As if it were a precursor, I find myself, after months of not coming here, writing to express my heart ache, rage, fear and my sense of powerlessness over such violence. I do not understand, in my head or my heart, how humans can be so utterly cruel to one another. This week, it is the battered face of a friend that turns my mind round and round. But, I have been here before.
My mother, fearful, intimidated and controlled. Friends, neighbors and co-workers have walked this path. How is it that this horror can go on and on and on? How is it that abusers can keep us so quiet? Not just the family involved, but all of us who know that she's had one too many accidents. Or, those of us who hear the screams and cries through the apartment walls. Even when we know it's happening, when we see the impact on the children and of course on the woman herself we still maintain our silence.
I have stood in this place so many times, too many times. My friend escaped with her Life and now has choices to make that may prove to be overwhelming. Choices that may keep her safe or choices that may literally put her in harms way. She must choose to Love herself after years of subjugating herself to her abuser. She must choose freedom after years of oppression. She must choose to let go of the dream that one day her husband will stop hurting her and start Loving her. And like an addict, she must make that choice over and over again; one day at a time, one moment after the next.
I am so afraid for her and for her children. Afraid for all of the women and children who run in the dark of night to new cities, with new names. I am angry that some men find their power through the abuse of the people who Love them. Who are we humans? Why do we exist? What is the point of all this pain and horror?
I went to South Carolina with my child a few weeks ago and I admitted to her that I don't really trust people. More to the point, though I didn't say this to her, is that I don't trust men to respect me or care for me or treat me fairly. I don't believe in the humanity of my fellow human beings. Frankly, people disappoint and frighten me.
And, when I hear the pain, indignity and rawness of abuse in the Life of someone whom I respect and I know there is not much that I can do to help her, I get this constricted feeling in my lungs. It feels like crying without the release of tears; it feels heavy and deep, like something is lost that cannot be found.
In this United Stated of America, a woman is beaten every 9 seconds by a man. An average of 3 women are murdered in this country every day (by a partner or an ex-) and 1/2 million women are being stalked by men they know as you read this. We are so self-righteous about the status and treatment of women in other countries, perhaps we need to be more honest about what happens between men and women in our own homes, towns and cities.
I'm not sure how I'm going to move through this. I'm starting with volunteering for a local support center that works to end domestic violence. It's what I can do.
And to you, my friends, I apologize for staying away for so long and returning with such a burden.
10 comments:
I find this post heartbreaking, Gayle. I understand what you are saying quite well. And it brings up a lot of things for me.
The first thing is that it wasn't until I got married that I realized that I didn't learn how to trust in my home and that I would have to learn that art on my own. Learning to trust my husband, allowing for his troublesome failings without dramatizing them so that they become bigger than life, accepting that with love comes loss... these are all lessons I've been and continue to learn.
I've also learned something else about abused people. Often they are narcissistically involved with their abuse. They are wrapped up in the drama and romance of their own stories, and they forget about the kids. The fact is that the children carry deeper wounds because their wounds are tied up in their growth and development.
Finally, I've learned that if I want to have a good life and to enjoy what is mine to enjoy, I have to give myself permission to do it. Children of victims often think they have no right to happiness. In their home of origin, they existed to mother their parent, and they know no other role than to exist and to be strong for others. Their job is to continually rescue .... to endlessly make it up by proxy to their injured parent for the injury.
I embrace you from a distance.
Oh Gayle....I know.
I will never trust a man fully again. Mike knows this, and having been cheated on by his ex, understands that space in your mind and heart that always waits and questions. Somehow we work through it in our relationship. He knows not to get close to me during an argument, just how loudly he can raise his voice, not to ever raise his hand or move towards me angrily. I know not to be too friendly with anything male, not to go out too often with girlfriends at night, especially to bars. There are triggers that send us both screaming in our minds for defensive weapons, and we respect that.
Abused women...in my case I stayed as long as I did with Bob because it was first the sad "He'll change if..." scenario. When I realized he was never going to change, it had become the "How am I going to survive/support myself and these children?" question. Being battered saps your energy, not physically nearly as much as in the soul, in the emotions. It's hard to believe you can take care of yourself somehow, even with all the resources out there to help.
Then there are all the morons, telling you it's your fault, you shouldn't run your mouth and he wouldn't feel like smacking it. That you must somehow like it, somewhere in your soul, because you stay, anyone who didn't like it would have left. There are the news stories of murdered wives, exwives, girlfriends who are killed while under Protective Order status they filed and received--like a piece of paper will deter a violent man from going after 'his woman'.
It's a frightening, terribly frightening thing, to leave an abusive relationship. It takes more loving yourself, loving your children. It takes a support system already in place, belief in that system, and a bravery that is almost miraculous.
You know me, Gayle. I know your opinion of me. It took me 2 years and 3 times before I left Bob for good. That's how hard it is.
Thank God someone like you is working to help people like I once was. I'm working on the same thing for this county, volunteering to try to get something set up here...the closest facility is 4 counties away.
All my love and comfort to you, Sister.
Evil succeeds when people of good will sit by and do nothing. I'm glad you're speaking up. Be well,
J.
Thank you for your comments on my blog! I think we do get overwhelmed by what we see in the world.
Thank you also for this post. Both of my older sisters were abused by their insignificant others, and one died as a result.
With statistics like you have shown, we need to do more to educate our daughters and our sons on how to treat one another. We need to teach our children that love is not pain and degredation.
Thank you for speaking out! You are an angel.
Glad to see you back in whatever lament brings you. You are missed.
I grew up abused by my parents and so determined not to ever be abused by anyone else. I have ended up the same as a lot of women, distrusting, secretive, and scared to death. Now I listen to stories about my brother's children and their accidents and I "know", but I can't prove it. I don't know who's hurting the babies, and I am powerless to do anything to help.
The cycle wasn't passed to my daughter. I hope she never knows that kind of pain, but I'm absolutely sure that a couple of my siblings didn't get the same message. God bless you for doing what you can. I'm out of energy and too close to the fire.
I AM glad to see you back, Gayle. I have truly missed you.
How could I know?
No one, who isn't in that situation, or wasn't abused as a child can understand what goes on in the head of a woman who is being abused yet stays again and again. Especially when there are children involved and you know that woman loves and wants to protect her children. Of course you question, of course you wonder how and why. Yet she is your friend, so of course you are frustrated and anguished.
Bless you, Gayle, for commmitting yourself to her and her struggles. I had no one. Your strength and love, and most of all, your patience and compassion will help lead her out of her darkness and towards relief.
Thanks for stopping by. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving; you deserve it. Be well,
J.
Gayle, I have first hand knowledge of this situation, as you know from reading my blog in the past. Having dealt with this all my life (I remember seeing my mom pushed down a flight of stairs by my brothers' father when I was just around 7 or 8 years old), and having grown up hearing and witnessing the "latin" mentality... men rule and women are to listen and be subservient to them... women don't count or matter and must do whatever it is their husbands tell them to do... I grew up with a really convoluted idea as to what was "normal" and "acceptable".
Even more confusing was the religious teachings that pardoned my step dad for his abuse, both physical and mental, telling my mom that God only supported a divorce in cases of adultery, and that to please him she would forgive my step dad and be subject to him.
Needless to say my own relationships were not healthy ones, and I accepted a LOT of things that no woman should... verbal and sexual abuse, emotional blackmail and manipulation, fear of violence and repurcussions should I speak out or protest what I knew to be unjust... even my spouse fooling around because it "had nothing to do with" me, or so he said. If I really loved him I would understand he needed variety... especially as he always came home to me.
Even my current husband decended into the horrible and beat me once, a year and a half ago, in a drunken rage... I had dared to tell him I was DONE with the relationship, wouldn't take his drunken rages any more, and to get out... didn't even know what hit me.
I know I should never have looked at him again. I know, as a woman who takes care of herself and has self worth and self pride I should have never given him another chance... but I did.
After a "trial period", during which time he quit drinking and straightened his life out, and courted me with love and begged for... not forgiveness, he didn't believe he deserved that,but for another chance to treat me right, we got back together.
Nine months later he began drinking again... and doing other things... but behind my back. I knew, but he'd deny it... his attitude and actions proved he was, but he claimed I was judging and being critical over nothing.
When he could deny it no more, and I was on my way out the door he promised to change again... he said he couldn't do it on his own and needed God's help, would I go to church with him... and I said I would, all the while not believing... just biding my time.
To make a long story short(er), about a month and one "dissappearing act" (a last ditch effort on his part to either kill himself or rid himself of his pain forever), he finally gave in to God and was saved. A month after that he was baptized, and now we are in church all the time, he's an usher, I'm in our choir, and he's a changed man. His facial features are even kinder and loving, his manner is gentle, his outlook on life is so much improved that he's completely a new person, and there's no violence or pain left in him... he's asked God to take away his pain and his bad habits, and his trust in HIM has changed both our lives.
I just wanted you to know that there are some people who can change, but a person has to stand up for themselves and what they know is right FIRST... everyone is responsible for their own actions. I think the ONLY truth is to trust in GOD and believe in HIM... everything else good will follow.
I read this some time ago, but wasn't really sure of a comment to make. I am still not. I have been close friends with at least three women who were abused by their husbands - three that I know about. It seems that what they had in common were two deeply held beliefs - that they HAD to be married and that they weren't pretty. The latter wasn't true, but the belief was closely held. I tell all my nieces and other girls whom I might influence that NO one HAS to be married; that if is an option, and not necessarily the best one. Trying to tell a girl or a woman she is pretty when she feels she isn't is like trying to break a rock with a feather. Man, where does this whole thing come from - I see the magazines and all, but really, how does it become such a core belief - what are their families thinking? I do know that I can not be a friend, or an associate of anyone who is abusive. They make me sick - how pathetic they are. Hope u r getting cheerier for the holidays...
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