Through ragged and raspy breath, she begged,
"Please, don't do this,
please"
and
hanging her head
she sent silent prayers to her otherwise occupied gods
then waited for the end to her suffering.
Seconds later she opened her swollen eyes
and found him
mouth open
gun drooped
passed out
in the chair before which she knelt.
Gently and carefully,
like a mother who strokes the hair of her sleeping child,
she removed the weapon from his hand
then her shoes so she made no sound;
she grabbed the car keys off the dresser,
her purse from off the floor
and stepped,
miraculously,
out of the door
and into freedom...
Over the next few months
she will feel rage
she will know fear
she will go to court and tell most of the truth
she will lean upon her friends and tell them all of the truth until
she can no longer bare to look at the horror
she will make plans that are different from the way she dreamed her Life to be
she will be strong
And then,
he will call
telling her how much he misses her
how much he misses their children
especially the children
he longs for them and their pure Love for him
He will remind her of the 'good' times
speak to her of the importance of family
cry to her of how wrong he was and how sorry he is
and she will listen
for his voice sings songs to her heart
it always has
perhaps
it always will
In a few weeks
maybe a month
he'll drive up with all his belongings in tow
and she will find a place for them
in the bedroom closets and drawers
she will place his underwear in the washer
and cook his meals
and laugh when he swings the baby through the air making him beg
do it again daddy, again!
And I will stand at my kitchen window,
just across the street,
and watch the coming and going.
All the while, I will remember the bruised cheek,
I will recall the blackened eye beneath its concealer,
and I will watch, over time, the smiles fade
as things return to normal
Safe in my kitchen I will wonder what I can do
besides bear witness to this tragedy.
But no solution will emerge.
At night, my dreams will be filled with violence
from which there is no escape,
Upon my nightmarish awakening
I will rush to the kitchen window
just to make sure that everything across the street is,
at least,
quiet.
Looking out across the pavement I will pray for her
and, of course, the children; then,
remembering that I am a Loving being
I will pray for him.
Standing, hip against the counter
wondering if there is any chance for peace in this world,
I'll make a cup of weak tea
and sip it
as the sun rises
soft and pink and almost new.
Commentary
Having witnessed this over and again I no longer have blame or shame for anyone involved. My mother, my friends, my father, my enemies - all have done this dance. Are there better choices to make - you bet your ass. But, people do the best they can. We struggle, cry, fall down and get up.
The best thing to do is to tell the MF the first time he tries to dominate you, to kiss your big (or small) behind and get to steppin'. But, it doesn't always happen that way, does it? Sometimes we don't make the best choice until our youngest is 16 (like my Mom) and sometimes we never get to make the good choice because that trigger is pulled.
I spent a lot of years being angry at everyone because of what I witness(ed). I've realized that my anger, real and valid though it is, changes nothing, contributes nothing, erases nothing.
Witnesses have a special responsibility to tell the truth and, I hope I have done that successfully.
I do pray for the kids in this situation , I witness their pain and my tears are for them as much as for my friend. But, I have decided not to judge her. Her choice may well be the wrong one, it may also be the one that keeps her alive. The dance is delicate and has little predictability in it. Did you know that violence typically escalates when a woman leaves?
Fact: Violence against women effect 3 to 4 million women in the United States every year. They are beaten by their husbands, ex-husbands and male lovers.
Fact: About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention in domestic violence occur AFTER separation from batterers. Half of the homicides of female spouses and partners are committed by men AFTER separation from batterers.
Leaving does not necessarily make it better. I wish it automatically meant that things would change, but it doesn't. So, folks, what do we do?
4 comments:
There is are two terrible truths here, and I'm not sure which one is the worst. Beautifully written, you leave me to my own nightmares. Be well,
J.
I was that battered woman, I've been that friend watching out the window. I don't know which is harder, sometimes...but I know which is saner, which is healthier in the mental state, and which one hurts the most. I am so sorry your friend keeps going back, Gayle. I will pray all the harder that she finds the strength to love herself, believe in herself enough to find she can live without him.
The ones who are ignored in this equation are the children. Everyone feels sorry for the woman. Well I don't. It's the kids that need to be considered here. Maybe she was once a kid in a bad situation, but now she's the adult contributing to the bad situation. They will carry lifetime scars because the woman won't put them first. She'll pretend... like we often do... "I bought that ice cream for you".... that she's staying for the children, but it isn't true. She's staying for herself, so that she won't have to do it all alone.
Instead... her children will take the bigger hits. Her children will grow up to only know how to have inappropriate relationships. They'll misread others and carry their wounds into every interaction. Maybe, unlike their mother, they'll break some portion of the cycle... but it will be hard work. Instead of preparing for life and learning how to be ready for what comes, her children will learn over time to circle her drama... continuously rescuing her, being her shoulders to cry on, trying hard to be good little angels who don't dare have a need, or resentfully becoming the black sheep who rebel against everything. The drama between the man and woman that will be the central feature of the family and the children's needs will go unheard.
Meanwhile the unhappy little narcissist keeps her eye on her poor me self and turns away from how her choices will contribute to her children's lifetime damage.
Jorge - there are many more than 2 horrible truths. Abuse is a dance of violence and humiliation that hurts the players and witnesses in ways that are often hidden and unconscious. May your nightmares end quickly and return only after long periods of absence.
Lynn - I know that you know and I honor your strength to Live fully in the many ways that you have. You are one of my guides and I am so grateful for you. One of these days we need to meet face to face!
Audrey - Having witnessed this over and again I no longer have blame or shame for anyone involved. My mother, my friends, my father, my enemies - all have done this dance. Are there better choices to make - you bet your ass. But, people do the best they can. We struggle, cry, fall down and get up. The best thing to do is to tell the MF the first time he tries to dominate you to kiss you big (or small) behind and get to steppin'. But, it doesn't always happen that way, does it? Sometimes we don't make the best choice until our youngest is 16 (like my Mom) and sometimes we never get to make the good choice because that trigger is pulled.
I spent a lot of years being angry at everyone because of what I witness(ed). I've realized that my anger, real and valid though it is, changes nothing, contributes nothing, erases nothing.
Witnesses have a special responsibility to tell the truth. But, I realize I only know the truth of the witness. I cannot know anyone else's truth, or their why or their future.
I do pray for the kids in this situation and I witness their pain and my tears are for them as much as for my friend. But, I have decided not to judge her. Her choice may well be the wrong one, it may also be the one that keeps her alive. The dance is delicate and has little predictability in it. Did you know that the violence typically escalates when a woman leaves?
Violence against women effect 3 to 4 million women in the United States every years. They are beaten by their husbands, ex-husbands and male lovers.
About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention in domestic violence occur AFTER separation from batterers. Half of the homicides of female spouses and partners are committed by men AFTER separation from batterers.
Leaving does not necessarily make it better. I wish it automatically meant that things would change, but it doesn't.
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