Energy

I feel as if the energy that moves through my Life has taken on a different vibration. There is a greater sense of joy than I had been feeling in the past. I think it has been building steadily for about a year and a half.

I made the decision, about two and a half years ago, to give up being disappointed. At the time, I was tired of being let down by everyone and just about everything. When I was younger (my teens through my 30's) I was considered the eternal optimist. Though some of that lingered, the circumstances of Life seemed to weigh me down and it was as if much of my optimism, joy and anticipation of the next good thing had sort of leaked out of my Life.

I found that all I could count on was not having enough of most things except stress, anxiety and fear. I was being swallowed up. I went to see a therapist who told me that I had every reason to feel as I did. My Life was a bit out of my control - tax issues, huge reduction in income, single parenting, an aging parent to care for, and a boss who actively worked to make my Life as miserable as possible.

The therapist wanted to do reflective exercises that would help me clarify where I was and would likely get me moving forward. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the $20/week and stopped going after 2 months. But, it helped to know that my Life was not the sum total of my own mistakes, that there were other forces (some created by my choices and some a result of external insanity) that impacted me.

I started to try to sort out what was my responsibility, what could I fix and what should I simply give up. It was around my 49th birthday that I flipped the switch and began to try to regain my optimism. I found it was easy when communicating with or supporting others - like writing in my blog or helping a couple of co-workers move through a disagreement. But, my inner Life was still plagued with the fear that the "best" had already happened (and b-t-w, it wasn't all that great) and now, I was living the "rest".

The New Agers used to say "Change your mind and your Life will follow" and I believe that's true. So, I changed my mind about disappointment. What if Life was not a disappointment? What if being single was fine? If not having enough financial resources was temporary and provided much needed skill in budgeting, saving and reeling in the spending? What if my Life could be absolutely joyful, just as it is, simply because it is my Life? What if I focused on the people and circumstances in my Life that were good, honest, beautiful, expansive, caring, trusting and trustworthy? What if I could regain my trust in Life and in myself?

Little by little the world around me seemed to comply with my shift in perspective. I changed my role and department at work and gained relative peace and a sense that my contributions are valued, to some extent. I traded in the need for a man and began to fully appreciate the Love of friends and family. For my body, which I stopped hating and warring with, I began more routine exercise, small changes in diet; for my mind, less absorption of the negativity that pops up on a minute by minute basis in others and more frequently remembering to let go of the negativity that pops up in me. I think all these things have combined to cause me to smile more and to laugh with greater ease.

And now I look at the good stuff that's been happening - more learning at work, a great trip (and I still haven't lost the feeling of it), an old friend reaching out to find me, a child that remains on a steady upward climb, a mom who is still energetic and lucid, a comfortable place to live, the possibility of a new career in a few years and the possibility of greater freedom when the teenager goes out into the world of the university - each of these just reinforces my joy and, I think, helps create a snowball effect of that energy. I am optimistic again and, at last, feel grounded.

Well, whether I've really explained anything or not I can't say. But, it's wonderful to be able to state, in the words of the late, great James Brown -

I feel good, dun na nunna nunna na, like I knew that I would!

May the energy continue to vibrate in all the best ways in my Life and in yours... Later Gators...