Stay or Leave?

I Love that Dave Mathews song, don't you? But, the song itself is not today's writing topic, the title was simply illustrative of the dilema.

The question I have requires serious pondering on my part. It was raised by an old and very close friend who has declared that he is moving to Africa. He has always wanted to go and work there and now, at 50, pension and financial stability be damned, he's decided to go.

For my part, I cheered him on, 'follow your dreams and make them real'. That's my go-to line, isn't it? In fact, that's what I wrote on these 'pages' just a few days ago. Why then, I wonder, was there this sinking feeling during our conversation? As if I knew that this was a wrong turn.

The rational side of me knows that our lessons and our Lives are for us to discover - day by day. It doesn't matter where we are (or even who we are with) because through our experiences we face the eternal choices of defining ourselves (good and bad, Love and hate, power and weakness, kind and selfish, creative and destructive). Whether my friend stays in NYC or moves to Ghana he will only find himself.

I suspect that he is looking to find a better self there. Someone who can do more for others and be better appreciated for his service. Or maybe it really is just a yearning that he has suppressed for many years which must now be fulfilled. Still I have that sense of things being out of balance. Being who I am, I know that sense of being off-kilter means I have somehow made this about me.

Perhaps it's because for years I felt trapped by my Life. Having only meager means to exercise my wanderlust and needing to create roots for my baby girl, I put away much of my desire to change my scenery. I suppressed it until it came gurgling up as anger at my single parenthood and at Life in general. It took a while to make Peace with the circumstances of my Life, but I believe I have.

I've discovered how deeply rewarding it can be to be in one place for a long time and to give yourself over to another human being completely, as I have only done for my child. It has also gotten easier, as the years have passed, to include what I need into my Life. So, there's been a release valve for my frustration. As we come closer to her departure (and make no bones about it, she can't wait to get outta here) I see the choices for my Life making themselves known.

Will I remain here once my womanchild is fully a woman? Will I take up pottery, travel to the 4 continents I have yet to experience, fall in Love again, write that next book? I don't know. But, the questions don't haunt me as they once did. I am certain that Life will simply unfold, as it always does. I will make my choices and then I'll learn what I have set in motion for myself.

Having said all that, I am no closer to understanding my reaction to my friends pronouncement than I was when I started writing/thinking about it. Perhaps I have been a Mom too long and am simply projecting all the unspoken fears I have about my little one going out into the world onto my friend.

LOL. So absolutely simple and obvious!

It was probably clear to you from the beginning, so let me apologize for the preceding rambling. I am least transparent to myself.

Well my friends, I hope you will help me weather that particular storm when it does hit. When the time has come for me to think mostly about myself, to make most of my choices with only myself in mind, to send my child off into the wide world, to trust that she will be wonderful on her own.

I've still got a few years to go and I'm already fretting about it.

That may not be such a good sign. :o)