Happy Mother's Day

All told, Mother's Day was a good one. The 3 generations of women in my household were generally kind and loving towards one another, had a very good dinner together at one of our favorite restaurants, exchanged cards and gave thanks for another year of togetherness.

As I sat across from my daughter and my mother this evening, I couldn't help but think how we've changed and grown. My mother, older and frailer (though generally in excellent health) and my child knowing everything, when just a few years ago she thought I knew everything.

As for me, the past ten years have been extraordinary. Hard in many, many ways but not without relief. I have learned, in this time, to see the reality of my Life without softening it with the visions in my head. What is, is. That doesn't mean things can't be changed for the better, just that the often harsh reality of the moment is not diminished by the dreams of tomorrow or the wishes of today.

I have accepted that there are ideas and dreams I once held closely and worked hard for that will not come true for me, at least not in this Life. For a long time I was deeply saddened by the idea of lost opportunities, disappointed at not having been chosen and not choosing wisely. I wished with all my heart to spend my days and nights Loved by a good man. I kept thinking he was just around the corner, or just confused or too distracted. That he would, one day, wake up and recognize me or meet me at some gathering of friends or stop me to return my daughter's lunch box, mistakenly taken by his child.

LOL, I do enjoy my imagination!

Thankfully, the years have passed and I have come to understand that what is, is also good. What I hold in my heart for the ones I love is deep and true. I realize I will not have a fairytale ending but the Love I share today is fulfilling, if not in every way then in most of the ways that count. Most importantly, I have realized that I am not afraid of being alone. It is certainly harder, but it is my Life and I am glad to have each breath.

I finally feel, at 52, free to Live. It's nice to have shed many of the expectations and cultural tales that I was raised upon. All the gender stuff (it wasn't until I became a single mom that I truly understood why women put up with barely tolerable marriages) that says you must find your prince. I just assumed mine was always right around the corner. But, what if there is no prince for you? What then?

Now, that I have let go of the idea, it's freeing in the same way that having my child grow up is freeing. It hurts some and makes me a bit anxious but, it's Life - real Life and cannot be denied. Oddly, I feel that more is possible now that I have accepted that somethings simply are not probable. Does that make sense? I've been thinking hard about what will come next and I'll share some of it with you in later posts.

My child is my greatest blessing, yet the teenage years are proving trying. I see myself in her and see all her missteps laid out in front of her. Confidence and independence are good but can be overdone. She won't hear me when I try to slow her down and I can do nothing but let her discover on her own how her strengths can also be weaknesses when overplayed. But, she is at the beginning and that is what the beginning is for.

Each Life is short, no matter how much time is granted. Too short for sadness, for disappointment, for longing or for missing the joy that is right in front of you.

So, it was a good Mother's Day, I hope it was for you, too!

p.s. I performed my monologue on Saturday and received heartfelt and spontaneous applause from my acting classmates! It felt soooo good. Next set of classes start May 30th and I can't wait. Then, in the fall, it's the Film series - look out Forrest Whitaker, maybe I can be your leading lady one of these days! LOL!!!