It occurred to me, this afternoon while putting groceries in the car, that I am not as happy as I would like to be. Now, if someone were to ask me if I am happy, I would likely respond "yes, relatively so". I certainly don't think of myself as unhappy.
But, as I was loading the car and my daughter was standing next to the cart staring off into space, I suddenly became annoyed, said something flip and then, was huffy (in my mind) as I finished up.
I realized that what I would have preferred to have done would have been to simply ask her to help me; without frustration or sarcasm. It was a small exchange but it was telling.
I've been having more and more experiences like that one. Seconds after I react I realize that I could have made a different choice. I feel as if I spend a great deal of my time under stress, frustrated or annoyed. Trust me, that is not how I want to live this life.
So, I think that I need to make a few adjustments, fix a few things - my attitude, for starters. I believe I have a disposition that appreciates and gravitates towards joy and peace. I like calm and comfy. But, the world around me is too often in full forward blast and I have forgotten the needed coping skills to maintain balance and create my joy. Once upon a time I think I did pretty well. These days, however, I feel spiritually lazy; like I have let good habits slip and replaced them with my thoughtless reactions.
I want my reactions to be joyful or to at least start at neutral. That means back to meditation (no matter how hard it seems to clear my jammed to the rafters brain) and continuing my physical exercise; it means intentionally seeing the beauty and joy in the little moments of my days and being grateful for them. Ok, that's my homework for the next 6 months.
It's not all work, though. There is fun and joy in my future! In September, I'm off to visit one of my favorite men and have a relaxing and grown-up vacation. This is my first vacation without the womanchild since she was born. I'm looking forward to starry nights, balmy days and the connecting kind of Love that is shared with someone who holds you in their heart. It's the kind of R&R that I really need.
May your future be filled with the best Life has to offer...
5 comments:
I wanted to share this essay with you.. it's a different story than yours, but I think it has a good message. http://tinyurl.com/qotv3z
I think you summed it up pretty well. You are reacting and not experiencing a choice.
Some people use exercise as their meditation - both use theta brainwaves and work equally well.
And, by the way, sometimes "annoyance" is a sign that changes are on the way ...
:-)
I look forward to hearing about your time away in R&R (well, not details ;-)
You might want to also try an exercise that comes from Ask and It Is Given. It is called "My Book of Positive Aspects" (unusual title - I call it my Book of Joy). Each morning spend 10 minutes writing about one thing, and all the things that you appreciate about a person, place, event, thing, activity, whatever. Start with things you like, and over time, work on things you don't like and it helps you reach for the positive aspects of anything.
I don't do it every day and yet I do notice that when I do my day seems a whole lot lighter. Sort of sets my emotions at a little lighter set point. It can help you in those moments when you need to reach for choice later in the day.
Enjoy! Love, Mj
I find that writing my blog regularly is helpful to me in keeping on an even keel.
It is telling (and positive) that you recognize that you are being a bit prickly (did I call it or what?) and that you look at yourself instead of blaming the kid, the job, the world as the cause. That is more than half way to fixing it, right there. I usually find that when I begin to see it is me causing my unhappiness that there are, as one of your commenters said, changes on the way, and they are inaugurated by ME of course.
I hope your vacation is all you hope and more. It sounds awesome.
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