Packing a Bag

I am in need of a vacation.

Needing a chance to unwind,
to breathe different air,
to forget the day-2-day stresses;
the drivers that slip precariously in front of me,
the co-workers who play politics like children playing dress up
or
the simple need to be in two places at once
with little possibility of relief.

A vacation is what I need...

Blue, blue waters reflecting a perfect sky
lots of warmth and lazy me
I suppose a little sightseeing just to say
I was there
But no more than my mindlessness is willing to tolerate.

I want to rock
slowly
with a good book
that makes me think-
or not-
drifting in a hammock
towards slumber;
waking in time for a swim
and a sensuous meal.

Oh,
my sweet,
I can smell it,
taste it,
almost touch it.

I

am

in

deep,

deep

need

of a vacation :-)

Choices

Walk a tightrope:



hot
or
not;

play it close
or
simply let go;


naked,

desire brimming

wet,

waiting,

wanting,


needing
more than you have.

Part 2 - All The Truth I Know about Love

Years ago, a friend of mine who once knew herself as an astrologer, told me that with my Sun conjunct Saturn, Life, for me, was all about the work of living. There are more details, like the Sag and Scorpio influences of these planets, but that would take a lot of words to describe. Suffice it to say, I am attracted to the work that I do in this Life. Not just my 9 - 5 career of sorts, but the work of relationships, of family, of problem-solving, of just about everything. The work of living my philosophy is essential and driving to my being.

As I re-read my words on Love, in the last post, I had to smile at how much of it was of my hard won lessons. The simple joys of Love, the flush, the fantasy, the desire and the quiet strength of caring were all neglected. But they are as real and as important as the work. So, Part 2 for my baby girl is all the elements of Love that I deeply appreciate having experienced. For you Sweetie Pie Pie...

Love is the connecting force of the Universe and as such, is beyond the romance and blush we ascribe. Love defies description and can be found everywhere. Even in the darkest places, even in the hearts of those we label as beyond redemption, there is Love. Sometimes, we choose to follow Love's call, sometimes we attempt to minimize its voice and sometimes we ignore it completely. But, Love does speak to each of us.

Love is in the offer of an umbrella to a random mother and child getting wet in the rain, in the phone call to a friend because they could use a friendly voice, in reaching for the hand of your beloved when they have received devastating news. Love means you show up and count in the lives you touch.

Love is the joy you find in your Lover's smile. It is the openness of your heart when talking to that strange old lady on the bus who needs to have a conversation with someone - with anyone. Love is giddy and foolish sometimes and when it is, it's the absolute best feeling.

Love soothes, calms and invigorates. Love makes mighty those who feel weak; heals hurts and slights, reveals truth and clears confusion. Love is simply amazing.

And then, there is the work :o)

All The Truth I Know About Love

I've been thinking about what to tell my daughter that will give her the truth (or at least as much of it as I know) about all sorts of things. Work, Love, anger, opportunity, family and Life. There is so much to say that rarely gets said on the morning ride to school or Thursdays after soccer.

I want to tell her about Love in a way that is neither jaded nor rooted in fairytales. I've been twisting around in my head and heart the words that would express what I have lived and believe and they never seem to come out right. But, if I don't get something out and down, what I mean to say may never be written. So, at the risk of telling far too much and not enough simultaneously, I'm taking my shot.



Love does not require anyone else. In fact, the first love is always ourselves. Most of what we do in Life are attempts to meet the needs of our Self, to support our Self, to keep our Self safe; in other words, to Love and care for our Self. And that's very important, essential even, and it can get in the way of being open enough to Love others.



Loving others does not mean they will Love you back. This is true for all forms of Love. It is likely that you will meet others whom you want to know better. Some you will want for friends, others as Lovers. But, you can never predict their response to you, nor should you try. My strategy has always been to just put it out there. Hey, folks, let's try a little of this Love stuff! It feels good and it's good for you too! While it hurts a good bit when it's unrequited, it seems more honest to state the case as is.



I have also noticed that my openness can make it difficult for my dance partner. If they are not feeling what I feel, they have the burden of letting me down. And that can be difficult, I suppose. Especially when it is just as easy to take what's being offered and pretend to feel the same. Which leads me to...



Just because it looks, sounds and acts like Love, doesn't mean it is. Love has a gentle face and most people, especially those who are attracted to you, find it easy to don this face in the beginning of a relationship. But, attraction or passion are not Love. Love can be built, over time, as a result of attraction but does not automatically or of necessity flow from it. In the beginning, relationships usually feel good (if one doesn't, for any reason, you should end it). But, the beginning is just that - the time that is long before you really know a person.


Love is the most joyful and hurtful state you will ever experience. It is a paradox, truly. It does not mean equal parts of each, however. But, no matter how close and caring two people are, they cannot avoid hurting one another. To be in this human form, which by its nature means we have only a limited understanding of how deeply connected we really are, guarantees misunderstanding, moments of self-absorption, fear of any number of things and a simple lack of time. Even for the most conscientious partner, one or more of these things will cause upset to their beloved.

Love is a gift to be cherished. No one owes you their Love and care nor should you take it lightly when you see someone is sincere in their offer of Love. Even if you don't share the others feelings, their feelings (and yours) are worthy of respect. A kind 'No' is far better than pretending 'Yes'. In the end, the insincere going along is much more hurtful. Love must always be honored with truthfulness, tenderness and patience.

Never take yourself too seriously. If you can find it in your heart to laugh at yourself; at your petty gripes, your excessive needs and your irrational fears, then you may have a shot at cultivating Love.

My darling girl, I am sure I have not said more than a drop in the ocean of what is needed and I will likely revisit and revise this over time. For today, I hope it is enough. Watching you grow and blossom, I wish for you all and only the best of Love.

Mommy

Yes, I'm In Love

I have completely and without reservation fallen for Dave Mathews and his amazing band. Yes, I said it, I have a school girl crush and I'm proud of it.

If you know Dave, you know he has been around for a very long time. I, however, have lived under a rock for the past 14 years and somehow missed his excellent music until this past fall. And, it was only by accident that I found him.

Having dropped off the teens at school, I decided to roll the dice and listen to something other than my usual Bert Show (whose talk show makes me laugh - and who doesn't need a laugh in the morning?). I flipped to my rarely listened to Dave FM (cause the teenagers are always listening to the hip and the hop) and there, radiating out from my speakers, was this edgy, funky, rock/country/world/jazz music that made me LISTEN.

I mean, I focused on the song, its words, melody, intonation, instruments, the beat - all of it combined to create music in the way it was meant to be. I don't remember what was playing but I made a point to remember the band. About a month later, after the girl child asked if she could download some music, I realized I hadn't tried to find that band I liked so much. I dug through my purse to find the sticky note and hit the iTunes icon.

What I discovered has kept me rockin' for the past few months. I Love Dave Mathews.
I go to sleep with his voice in my head (thank goodness for iPods) and workout to him in the morning. I imagine meeting him in the airport as I'm about to get on a plane. We talk for a few moments and discover we are headed to the same place. I take my seat in coach, he walks to first class and a few minutes later, the flight attendant tells me I can move forward. What joy! A seat next to Dave.

I got it bad, I know. Teenagerish crush, for sure. It's like being 16, I just don't have posters on my bedroom walls. You gotta laugh at yourself when you're fantasizing about rock stars!

In case, by some strange twist of fate you haven't heard of Dave Mathews, here are a few of my favorites:
Crash Into Me
Everyday
Ants Marching
Steady As We Go
The Dreaming Tree
The Idea of You
Stay or Leave
Grey Street

What can I say? Everyone should have the joy of crushing in their middle years!

Rock on and smile...

Valentine Love

I know that Valentine's Day is just a made up holiday and some folks will get all twisted up in knots about what they do or don't have today. But, I think setting aside a day to celebrate romance and passion is a sweet thing. Here is my tribute to the day and to the men who live in my heart, forever my Valentines.

A storm swept through
and blew out my electricity
So, I set the lamb on the grill
and decided to watch the sun
fall slowly below the tree line.

Across the dark blue and velvet sky
clouds swam overhead;
the moon peeking out from in-between
watched me sip warm beer
as I waited for my evening meal.

I think of you
as the wind slides along my cheek;
of your feet
or my feet
reaching across the unspoken divide
of our wedding bed
to say
'Love me tonight'.
I thought of how we each slid
so easily
along the length of the other
fulfilling the desire teased up by our toes.

Venus winks at me,
pulling me from my memories;
time to check the flame
and turn the meat.
But, the sudden heat
causes me to recall
a steamy Singapore night
when everything was you
and I was everything,
and the glow in my heart was visible.
The hibiscus seemed to spring up
as we walked along
those unfamiliar streets;
your pale hand gently clasped my cocoa fingers
your lips found my mouth
and stole my breath
as the rain poured down upon us.
Ah, baby,
what a night that was!

I take a long swallow from my half empty bottle
and listen
to the rustle of the trees.
The leaves make a dry and crackling sound
like the fall of your cargoes
across your thick and strong brown thighs
to the floor.
Your tongue worked magic along my back
a moan escaped my lips
and echoes now, through my mind.

Oh, how I remember
the late night dinners,
the shared movies,
the whispered fantasies and
the dreams worth dreaming
with you.

I remember the depth of your brown eyes,
the smell of you mixed with soap
and the smell of you mixed with me.

Remember all the flirtation
all the angst
the laughter
the way the sound of your voice
could still my heart,
melt my fears
and fill my world with joy.

I remember the day-to-day
the somedays
the always
and
the never ending
we will never end promises
that were broken and kept.

It is all here
for me
tonight;
so,
even though there will be no flowers,
no chocolate
nor diamonds exchanged
in celebration of such Love
I am still thankfulness and gratitude
still open and alive
still smiling
at every moment I spent in your heart.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!