Better Days, Greater Love

I hold for you
tenderness;
a warm amethyst crystal
in my left palm,
glowing with power,
promising balance and peace.

How can I write what you have been to me?
Little of what I wanted and yet everything
all at once.
How could I measure the weight of your mouth
on my belly,
speaking to the unborn beauty I carried there?
I find it impossible to regret what Life brought me
just because I was angered
by what it took in exchange.

Tenderness in my heart and soul
wells up
at the sound of your mighty voice,
I will you to feel it across this VOIP connection,
knowing it doesn't make right
what has gone wrong in your Life.

I wish this tenderness could go back in time
and change everything,
making me long to wrap you in my arms,
cradled, like the 2 year-old I chose to Love completely
instead of you.

My love may seem almost useless to you now,
separated by 850 miles and too many years
of unfulfilled desires;
I can do no more than stand for you.

Looking out across my backyard
listening to the clacking keys of teenage homework
in the background of your pain,
I would have this far away Love be as sustenance,
a force to hold you up
until a greater Love finds you.

Too Much

I watched a coworker bury her 28 yr.old son today and I thought, 'this is too much'.
I was rejected by a lonely, awkward and interesting man this week after asking him out on a date and I knew it was too much.
I am not sure why I keep putting one foot in front of the other each day but, I do, and it feels like too much.

Somewhere along the way I got it all confused and now I am overwhelmed or maybe I am underwhelmed. Yeah.

One of Those Days

Don't quite know why but I feel lost. A recent dose of rejection has knocked me off my stride but I want to get up and move on. My 14 years of self-imposed nun-like behavior have taken their toll.

In my head I know that Life is good and getting better. But, somewhere in there I am afraid. It's that fear I want to release. I want to be the woman I know in my heart and soul I truly am. I want to step into me - fully and completely.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

I am feeling a little spicy today! Like a salsa in the wee hours to Tito Puente. I have no idea why, but a good feeling is it's own good reason!

No Angst, No Gory

Life is good! Hectic and a bit crazed and everything is fine. I think my vacation may have hit a reset button inside of me. Whatever, I feel calm and capable. There is something about this time that makes me feel like it's mine.

On January 4th, I wrote of my desire to change my mind. To shed my old patterns of thought and take on new ones to acknowledge that change happens from the inside out. I believe it's working. I'm learning. I am simultaneously more accepting and more open to change. It feels good.

I am reminded of my friend Marijo's affirmation:

I believe in the the power of love.
I believe in synchronicity.
I believe in the power of energy.
Everything can change - in an instant.
If only we allow.

Yeah...

Packing Up My Kit Bag

and taking it on the road.

I'm headed to my favorite city - NY, NY! Work is the primary agenda but I should get to see a few friends while I'm there. I am so looking forward to it. This past week was a bear - a huge grizzly, believe me.

Between my bosses snapping and my co-workers dodging responsibility I was kept on my toes longer than a prima ballerina (and that visual ain't pretty!). But, I made it through (and if the insanity continues into this week, which based upon an article that was published today is very likely) and I won't be around to catch the fallout. Lucky me.

I'll get to see my friend, Michael, who has been struggling, of late. I'm hoping to find him in better Spirits (he seems so over the phone). It will be nice to hang out for an evening or two.

But, before any of that, I have to survive this Giants - Saints game. Come on, NY, you can do better than this! Your hometown girl is sending you winning energy. Can't you feel it??

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Ok, the Giants lost. No, they were obliterated :-(

Here are a few updates:

1. I've started planning the womanchild's Sweet 16 party. I can hardly believe it was almost 16 years ago that she joined us on this journey. Wow. She has asked me not to make it too fancy and though I am usually laid back, I'm having a hard time controlling myself. I see an elegant and beautiful dinner party, with dance floor and DJ. Before I get too carried away, I promise to find out what she sees!

2. I do not like running. I started to type 'hate' but realized that was an exaggeration. Unlike walking, it's not fun. I know there are a bunch of you out there for whom it is a favorite pastime but, I can't wait for my cousin to get better so I can stop doing this 3 times a week. I am still on the easy regiment and yet, it feels like punishment. Luckily, Evlynne is healing rapidly; she's up to walking around the block in 23 min. I figure that means another 8 weeks instead of 10 for the running thing. Once she can walk a mile, my commitment is over. Now, lest I sound completely moronic, I want to add that I am very grateful that I CAN run.

3. My iPod has been surprising me with all sorts of selections I never paid attention to but find I really like. Here are a few:
Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow & Sting
Stand Up (For It)- Dave Mathews
Liberian Girl - Michael Jackson
Have A Little Faith - All Rebel Rockers
Happiness - The Fray
The Mess I Made - Parachute

Enjoy!