F*ck the Muck

This week has been a funky ride. I've been immersed in the muck of me. I thought my little experiment "What if..." would free me from my self criticism. As it turns out, the years have allowed me to hoard a heap of negativity related to my self image. So, I find myself asking "What if..." thousands of time a day - or so it seems.

And that, my friends, makes me think "What is wrong with me?" and that sends me right back to my never ending line of questioning. So, for the past few days I have been in a pouty, menstrual and basically foul mood. I tend to isolate when I get like that - it never occurs to me to just bitch out loud in my blog. However, Lynn (dearheart, who is taking her blog underground or out of bounds) suggested in her last blog that that's the whole point. We can get as plain and funky as we like.

So, sitting on my family room futon, watching American Idol with the wonder-child, ignoring the pangs of cramps and the river of red that pours forth from my womb, I've decided to write.

This week has seen my dear friend and neighbor laid low by depression. She's been diagnosed with a small tumor in her brain, on the pituitary. Tonight she told me the shrinks think she may also be bipolar. She and I worked together a few years ago (when I had my consulting thing going) and I love and care for her deeply. I spent a couple of evenings this week sitting in her presence making her laugh, and when I couldn't do that, settling for a smile and when I couldn't get that, just filling the silence with my voice because I thought she needed that and when that wasn't right, I just listened. Listened to the pain that fills her body and how tired she is of bearig it, to the stress and tension and fear behind every one of her words. And, I listened to her hope and I shared it.

At work I discovered that my new boss, who is also a work friend, is (as most people are) running her own agenda and actively working to draw me into it. Now, I am just not cut out for the intrigue and politics of American worklife. It's stupid, or maybe I'm stupid, but I just find the whole game lacking in integrity. My aim is to remain balanced, true to the work and committed to finding the adaptive, higher order solutions to the issues and changes that we're facing.

But, I realize that others may attempt to force me into choosing sides (because there is always another side in these matters) and engaging in their lower order war games.

I just hope they don't force my hand on a day when I have my period.

There you have it my blogland friends. F*ck the muck - right now life sucks. (Typing that felt really good, in the most juvenile way!)

Take it light...