Saturday Morning & the SAT

I dropped the child-wonder off to take the SAT this morning. She was selected to participate in a talent search program because of her academic performance and the SAT is a part of the process. It was an odd experience, standing there, sharing her excitment and her apprehension at taking this college-bound test. I was grateful for the gift of such a bright and Loving child. Watching her realize how young she is, ("Mommy, I think I'm the youngest one here") and then be so composed amidst the river of high school students that surrounded us.

Driving home, I had a wave of sadness. I'm not sure where the feeling came from; maybe just the understanding that she is such a separate entity from me. Connected to me, yes, but taking big steps into her own future. I remember when I stood in that place and I feel just a little frightened that she may step in some of the spots I landed in. I realize I cannot prevent any of that from happening. There is just so much I desire for that jewel, so much she deserves.

Anyway, I snapped myself out of that train of thought and started to get really pumped-up about the possibilities for her. I can't even imagine half of what she may be able to do and be. But, that's one of the joys of parenting. I also thought about all the children who don't have this opportunity, through no fault of their own, and felt priveleged and lucky and thankful. There are so many moments I get to have because of my education and the part of the world in which I live. I can only imagine how different my Life would be if I had been born and lived in Soweto or Kosovo.

Onto another topic: those promotions at work are looking a bit more elusive than they did at the end of last year. When my boss sat me down to break the news that it wasn't going to be a done deal - there would be hoops through which I had to successfully jump, it didn't take me by surprise or throw me off balance and that, my friends, is a real sign of growth. I simply told my boss I was committed to the work and would do my part to make it happen and was relying on him to do his part. He is, for the most part, a good guy and I think he will do what he can to support my upward movement. So, we'll see if the stars line up and the hard work pays off.

Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the whole concept of retirement. I have 6.5 years to vest with my current employer and 9.5 before I could retire with a modest pension. That's not too shabby considering I haven't saved a penny except for the equity in my home, which technically still belongs to the bank and won't be paid off for another 21 years. That's yet another reason I really want the promotion and it's associated raise. I'd like to pay off the house a lot sooner. In fact, if I could do it in the 9.5 years between now and that carrot of a pension, I feel like my mature years could be a bit of a party. Assuming that Congress is able to stop little Georgie from increasing troops and completely screwing-up foriegn affairs in the last couple of years of his term, of course.

I dream the big dreams of my womanchild living a Life that fulfills her, selling the house for a nice two bedroom condo in the heart of the city, consulting, taking courses, traveling; maybe even a man in there somewhere.

Ah, to have hope, to dream, to Live.

Later Gators...

Well, I turned 50 (if you did the math you knew that already) and it was anticlimatic. I realize I have spent much of the past 10 years in anticipation of when things would get better. I am just beginning to come to terms with the reality that things are exactly what they are.

Most days I feel the need to think in future terms - someday when my Prince comes, when my pockets overflow, when the world truly lives in peace... Such nice fantasies.

On rare days I face what is right in front of me. I've been reading "The Power of Now"; all about focusing on the present as it is, which ain't really all that bad. I try to remember that. I try to Live out of that.

Easy Greasy...