It's a little weird being the mom of a teenager when most grandmothers are my age, comfortably. I feel as if I missed a step. When everyone else was going through their mid-life crises I was raising a toddler/young child. Now, it's too late to have one.
I seem to have fast forwarded straight to grappling with mortality. Not that anything is wrong with me physically, I just feel (and much to my chagrin, look) so much older. Just like my womanchild was a baby last week and a full blown teen this one, I feel as if I was a youthful 35, only yesterday. I am continually shocked to find that yesterday was almost 18 years ago!
The music I partied to is now beyond classic and old school. Thank goodness Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince are all aging too! But, it doesn't really help that my generation's icons are dead or fighting to keep their careers viable.
At work, I am confronted with the fact that there are many things I could learn to do but, it's doubtful that I will take the time or be offered the opportunity. Like, writing programming code. Last week, I attended a training that required familiarity with writing in code. I get the concept but that's as far as my skill level goes. I had an easy time at the training because it was very basic but I could also see all of the things I won't be able to do with this tool because I don't have the requisite skill set.
The only comfort is that I will probably lead the people who do know how to write the code and I will be responsible for keeping the project moving and ensuring that the end product works for my organization, from the user's perspective. Up until now, I always had some of the skill I required of those who worked for me. They often held more expertise in specific areas but, in a pinch I could substitute. Not so anymore.
I'm not complaining because I understand this is just forward movement. It just feels uncomfortable, like I'm off balance. I'm sure I'll get used to it.
Now for the fun stuff! I've won tickets to see The Fray from a local radio station and in less than 2 weeks I'll be on vacation!!! Sun, fun and Love. That's a wonderful combination.
Lucky me!
3 comments:
Sounds like you are saying that you had your now eighteen year old at an older age than some women had children. I had all my children by the time I was 25 but my older daughter had her first when she was older than 25. My brother is 65 and his wife is 54 and last year they were shocked to learn she was pregnant. In March she gave birth to a healthy boy and here they are both retired and with a 6 month old baby.
If you don't have kids, time slips by without you seeing the change, and the childhood you remember is your own. It seems that reliving childhood through a child (even though it is hard, because you have to be the parent, too) seems to replace many of ones own memories with memories of the kid's childhood. That has been my observation. But there comes a time when that kid is on his or her (or their) own and back you go to being wholly - and exclusively - you again. And how it has changed! The nice thing for me in not having kids, is that I never had to grow up - I got old, sure, but I never had to say "This is behind me" about anything - even when it was. Naturally when I walk into a room, I am the invisible old guy to everyone else, but I am actually looking around for someone my age to meet - and it takes a second to realize 'my age' means the old bald guy in the corner. But outside social situations, I have nothing to remind me that I am old, except, of course, the fact that I AM outside of social situations so much of the time. I can't think which is worse, that half of my icons that are dead (Jimi, Janis, Jim, half the Beatles) or that the remaining ones look so old, and that no one knows who I am talking about when I mention any but the 10 most famous.
As to not knowing coding - the best boss I ever had told me, "A lot of guys think they have to know all that the people under them know. but that is not my job." He knew nothing of coding, but knew everything about facilitating, running interference, setting reasonable goals and giving his people credit when it was due. His one rule was, "Never let me be surprised" and in return he NEVER made you sorry when you gave him bad news. We all bent over backwards to see that there WAS no bad news. Of course there WAS occasionally, but as long as you told him, all he would say was something like "Do you know when it will be ready?" if something was late - in a non-accusatory way. He was no fool, you couldn't play him, but god, was he a great boss. He was like a collaborator. Fun and superprotective of his guys. Although he was American thru and thru and not really comfortable with non-Americans - most of his guys were non-Americans (this was in Saudi) and he made a point to speak with each one each week - just casual, joking around a little and he backed them tirelessly if he thought they were slighted in any way. We all would do anything for the guy.
Enjoy the Fray - I saw the Idols Tour a couple of weeks ago. Much fun.
The advice david gave you is excellent, and I have nothing of note to add to his sage comments, except to wish you well. I enjoy reading your reactions to life, and encourage you to share your feelings as you have been doing.
J.
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