12 Days of Reflection

An old work colleague, Kim, posed the challenge to reflect on the passing year by focusing on a refelction suggestion each day for the next 12 days.  I'm excited to engage.  Here is the first of the 12:

 
If you can give a name to 2011 what would it be and what would you name 2012?

I'm tempted to give 2011 a really funky name since it was the 3rd year in a row my employer did not give out raises and the 2nd they reduced pay (one day of furlough the first year and 2 days in 2011).  I was promised a promotion that never materialized and have grown fatter, despite my conviction to become thinner.  My 86 year-old mom had a stroke and became totally dependent upon me.  It looked pretty bad all the way around.

But, what I know is that 2011 was what I made it, funky circumstance and all.  If anything, 2011 was my year of learning to take responsibility for my life.  I started to have the sneaky suspicion that I was standing in my own way.  Yes, difficulties were showing up and lots of them.  Anyone who knows or is a single mom understands what I mean.  Life is tough for all of us but, a woman on her own (no child support, no weekends at Dad's, no protector or confidant) has a battle everyday.  And, that reality kept me feeling sorry for myself.

At least, until I began to hear the whispers in my head that said "change the way you see your Life and you'll change your life".

So, just before my birthday, I made an appointment with a therapist, saw my internist and recommitted to my own happiness.  Each feels like a big move.

To 2011, I name you the Year of Self-Reflection.  As for 2012, I believe it will be the Year of Claiming My Good.

Be well and in joy.

Life Choices

You may have seen this video already (if not, please watch until it ends), but it is a nice reminder that hope and belief in positive outcomes are not frivolous, empty or outdated ways of being; they are simply a choice. In life, we move between hope and despair, positive and negative experiences coloring our view. The trick is to remember not to let the experience cloud our heart or our faith.

If we mean for our world to be better, then we must have a vision of a better world and we must believe it can be created.

This belief is not a guarantee because we know no such thing exists. Belief is simply an expression of faith in the face of both tragedy and accomplishment. Holding fast to faith is not easy to do; calamity often brings pain, trials, obstacles and fear. But, the great gift of being human is the ability to see beyond (or behind) the present moment, even as we acknowledge what is happening, right now.

Today, I reconnected with my world vision because a far-flung friend expressed his fear and it brought to my awareness the untold fears that I have held. But, I am more than my fear, more than my pain, more than all the forces that have carved into my Life those debilitating trenches and injurious potholes that I have had to traverse. Today, I once again made the choice to believe in positive outcomes and to work daily to create them. To do this in the face of the winds of inertia that can keep my words from being heard or cause my ideas to be left on the floor, like litter.

There is still so much for us to do. I offer this video as an opportunity for your reflection and choice.

http://youtu.be/42E2fAWM6rA

Joy & A Glass of Wine, Raised High

Baby girl is managing editor of the national award winning paper at her school. I just can't contain my joy! If you are out there trying to be a good single parent, keep trying, it pays off in the end...

You make your daily sacrifices, choices in the best interest of the one you Love. People criticize, shake their heads, tell you to do it differently. You skirt the edges of paycheck to paycheck, give up a career and cry alone at night.

And then, like some sort of certificate of merit, your baby grows up and starts to make her own decisions. They are good ones. She is happy and fulfilled. She is just at the beginning but it looks bright.

You breathe and smile and acknowledge how full your heart is. You thank God and you plan for your future for the first time in 18 years. You become more spontaneous, start a happiness project, have hope for your own Life again. You thank God and rejoice.

I thank God and I rejoice!

Anonymity

I think I have been away from this blog for so long that anyone who knows me has given up on it. I like that idea because it leaves me free to say anything here. I have been wanting a space where I could be wholly myself - good, bad, indifferent, outrageous, stupid, fearful, tired, smart, wholesome, hard and strong or weak and shaking. I've needed a space where I could express the truth without being overheard by someone who has a different picture of me.

Now that I'm here, I'm going to give internal honesty a shot and maybe I'll be able to take that into every moment of my days and nights.

There's a place I need to go on the inside of my Self but I'm not sure where it is, I have no map and I'm lost. I have the sense that if I can find my way to the core of my being that everything will sort itself. And, not surprisingly, I am hopeful that I'll find my way.

Better Days, Greater Love

I hold for you
tenderness;
a warm amethyst crystal
in my left palm,
glowing with power,
promising balance and peace.

How can I write what you have been to me?
Little of what I wanted and yet everything
all at once.
How could I measure the weight of your mouth
on my belly,
speaking to the unborn beauty I carried there?
I find it impossible to regret what Life brought me
just because I was angered
by what it took in exchange.

Tenderness in my heart and soul
wells up
at the sound of your mighty voice,
I will you to feel it across this VOIP connection,
knowing it doesn't make right
what has gone wrong in your Life.

I wish this tenderness could go back in time
and change everything,
making me long to wrap you in my arms,
cradled, like the 2 year-old I chose to Love completely
instead of you.

My love may seem almost useless to you now,
separated by 850 miles and too many years
of unfulfilled desires;
I can do no more than stand for you.

Looking out across my backyard
listening to the clacking keys of teenage homework
in the background of your pain,
I would have this far away Love be as sustenance,
a force to hold you up
until a greater Love finds you.

Too Much

I watched a coworker bury her 28 yr.old son today and I thought, 'this is too much'.
I was rejected by a lonely, awkward and interesting man this week after asking him out on a date and I knew it was too much.
I am not sure why I keep putting one foot in front of the other each day but, I do, and it feels like too much.

Somewhere along the way I got it all confused and now I am overwhelmed or maybe I am underwhelmed. Yeah.

One of Those Days

Don't quite know why but I feel lost. A recent dose of rejection has knocked me off my stride but I want to get up and move on. My 14 years of self-imposed nun-like behavior have taken their toll.

In my head I know that Life is good and getting better. But, somewhere in there I am afraid. It's that fear I want to release. I want to be the woman I know in my heart and soul I truly am. I want to step into me - fully and completely.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

I am feeling a little spicy today! Like a salsa in the wee hours to Tito Puente. I have no idea why, but a good feeling is it's own good reason!