One of Those Days

Don't quite know why but I feel lost. A recent dose of rejection has knocked me off my stride but I want to get up and move on. My 14 years of self-imposed nun-like behavior have taken their toll.

In my head I know that Life is good and getting better. But, somewhere in there I am afraid. It's that fear I want to release. I want to be the woman I know in my heart and soul I truly am. I want to step into me - fully and completely.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

I am feeling a little spicy today! Like a salsa in the wee hours to Tito Puente. I have no idea why, but a good feeling is it's own good reason!

No Angst, No Gory

Life is good! Hectic and a bit crazed and everything is fine. I think my vacation may have hit a reset button inside of me. Whatever, I feel calm and capable. There is something about this time that makes me feel like it's mine.

On January 4th, I wrote of my desire to change my mind. To shed my old patterns of thought and take on new ones to acknowledge that change happens from the inside out. I believe it's working. I'm learning. I am simultaneously more accepting and more open to change. It feels good.

I am reminded of my friend Marijo's affirmation:

I believe in the the power of love.
I believe in synchronicity.
I believe in the power of energy.
Everything can change - in an instant.
If only we allow.

Yeah...

Packing Up My Kit Bag

and taking it on the road.

I'm headed to my favorite city - NY, NY! Work is the primary agenda but I should get to see a few friends while I'm there. I am so looking forward to it. This past week was a bear - a huge grizzly, believe me.

Between my bosses snapping and my co-workers dodging responsibility I was kept on my toes longer than a prima ballerina (and that visual ain't pretty!). But, I made it through (and if the insanity continues into this week, which based upon an article that was published today is very likely) and I won't be around to catch the fallout. Lucky me.

I'll get to see my friend, Michael, who has been struggling, of late. I'm hoping to find him in better Spirits (he seems so over the phone). It will be nice to hang out for an evening or two.

But, before any of that, I have to survive this Giants - Saints game. Come on, NY, you can do better than this! Your hometown girl is sending you winning energy. Can't you feel it??

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Ok, the Giants lost. No, they were obliterated :-(

Here are a few updates:

1. I've started planning the womanchild's Sweet 16 party. I can hardly believe it was almost 16 years ago that she joined us on this journey. Wow. She has asked me not to make it too fancy and though I am usually laid back, I'm having a hard time controlling myself. I see an elegant and beautiful dinner party, with dance floor and DJ. Before I get too carried away, I promise to find out what she sees!

2. I do not like running. I started to type 'hate' but realized that was an exaggeration. Unlike walking, it's not fun. I know there are a bunch of you out there for whom it is a favorite pastime but, I can't wait for my cousin to get better so I can stop doing this 3 times a week. I am still on the easy regiment and yet, it feels like punishment. Luckily, Evlynne is healing rapidly; she's up to walking around the block in 23 min. I figure that means another 8 weeks instead of 10 for the running thing. Once she can walk a mile, my commitment is over. Now, lest I sound completely moronic, I want to add that I am very grateful that I CAN run.

3. My iPod has been surprising me with all sorts of selections I never paid attention to but find I really like. Here are a few:
Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow & Sting
Stand Up (For It)- Dave Mathews
Liberian Girl - Michael Jackson
Have A Little Faith - All Rebel Rockers
Happiness - The Fray
The Mess I Made - Parachute

Enjoy!

Love Note

I want to write
you
a
Love letter.

Just a word
from my heart to say
how warm
and safe
and easy
Life is
when I am in your arms.

Some message that could convey
my heart's fullness,
my mind's stillness
and the depth of my laugh
when you are in the room.

I wish words would rise
powerful,
like the blood red sunrise
that graces your balcony,
and fill this page
with rhythm and meaning
enough.

But these
simple common words
are all that will flow
from my fingertips...

Dearheart,
I Love you
everyday,
forever.


Update:

Have I mentioned how much better I feel since I started walking? It's wonderful! I sleep better at night, my appetite has decreased and those endorphins are priceless. Today I did a mere 4 mi and I'm completely energized for the workday ahead (yes, it's Sunday and I'll be working, just like yesterday). I started this journey because I wanted to support breast cancer research and, even though I couldn't make the event this weekend, I did raise a good bit of money and created a very good habit for myself.

Now to keep it going!

I've decided to sign up for the 3-day event next year to keep myself motivated. Every year, I discover another woman in my circle who has/is battling breast cancer. So, every year I want to stand up for them (and my Dad's memory). In addition, my cousin Evlynne, who is a fitness consultant/trainer and club manager had hip surgery last week and asked her friends and family to up their workouts as a way of supporting her recovery. So, rattling around in my head had been this slow, steady running program to which I've been afraid to commit. For Evlynne (and for me), tomorrow starts my journey into the run. I don't know if I'll like it, be good at it or have the physical stamina to do it but, tomorrow morning I'll find out.

I figure, even if I hate it, I can commit to doing it until she is back in the swing of things (about 12 weeks) and that should be long enough to push past my anxieties and know if it's a practice I want to continue. While I'm on that journey I will continue to walk on the weekend. I'd like to get in 8 - 10 miles over one or two days.

I have discovered that I enjoy long walks with friends or my iPod; early morning or late evening sky changes, the call of birds and sounds of whatever city I am in floating around me. I feel especially alive when I'm in my walking rhythm; even the aches of the last few miles remind me that I am here, breathing and participating in the natural flow of the universe.

Lucky me!

Poetry, Reflection and Stuff

I have been away for a while, off on what I hoped would be a magical vacation bringing me to my favorite guy.

I always wonder, before I see him, if the spell will be broken. If the Life we live in-between our visits will somehow cancel out the power of what connects us. But, this time was sweet and pleasure-filled and easy. It was quite a gift of Love and I am grateful to have received it.

All the rest and relaxation I got was just what I needed. The time away brought me balance and of course, made me thoughtful and I decided to share some of those thoughts with you.

Love is so much and then, so simple.

When I was young I bounced between heady emotions and had my heart broken fairly often. I tend to be very loyal and like long term relationships (I know, I know, how did I remain single?) but I discovered, in my 30's, that what drove me towards Love were my hormones and my lovers' pheromones. Neither helps a girl make good decisions and my chaotic family history gave me an unworkable model. I had no skills for making a good mate choice. So, as a self-preservation tactic, I made the decision to spend my 40's focused on family and work. That decision likely clinched my singlehood, making it a permanent state of being, for this Life.

Oddly enough though, the men that I found during my 30's are still the men I Love best, even though I am no longer biologically induced into liaisons. One my dear friend, the other my sweet Lover. And that fact makes me ponder Love's power to hold us, bind us and carry us forward.

How is it that I still have a full heart after the disappointments, the loneliness, the distance? How does Love do that even when, over the years, I have sworn not to allow it?

I have been a willing witness to the growth of these men who once were callous, no, careless really, with my affections. I listened to them, over the years (and just last week), care for other women and admit I have screamed inside why not care for me??? but, that too has quieted to a barely discernible whisper. I have become, I think, the caretaker of my own Life.

Today, I am generally better able to see people for who they are than I was when younger and (bonus time) I don't mind most people being exactly who they are, even if it doesn't suit me. I don't know how or when I became so accepting of reality but I find it hurts a lot less than when I just kept wishing people and circumstances would be different.

I suppose that could sound like resignation, and I might suspect it was if I wasn't feeling so fine. If I hadn't just come from the arms of a man I Love deeply (and Love being with so completely) and yet, suffered not at all from our parting, I might think that I was kidding myself. And, though I would gladly and without hesitation walk halfway around the world to sit down by his side (thanks for that line, Dave) if he asked, I am not wishing and praying and pacing the floor at night for his desire. Instead, I am simply living the Life I have as if it is something precious.

Maybe I came late to the gift of mortality - an appreciation of Life and Love without conditions, but, I am glad I finally arrived.

When I returned home I discovered that the other man I Love is in a good deal of pain, suffering from economic and relationship downturns. The poem below is for him.


Better Days

I hold for you
tenderness,
like a warm amethyst crystal
in my left palm;
it glows with power
and promises balance and peace.

How can I say what you have been to me?
Little of what I wanted and yet everything
all at once,
once upon a long ago time.
How could I measure the weight of your mouth
on my belly,
speaking to the unborn beauty I carried there?
Impossible to regret what Life brought me
just because I was angered
by what it took in exchange.

Tenderness in my heart and soul
wells up at the sound of your mighty voice,
I will you to feel it across this VOIP connection,
all the while knowing I cannot make right
what has gone wrong in your Life.

I wish it could change everything,
this tenderness
that makes me long to wrap you in my arms,
cradled, like the 2 year-old I chose
instead of you.

I am almost useless to you now,
separated by 850 miles and too many years
of unfulfilled wishes.

I can do no more than stand for you.

I look out across my backyard
listening to the clacking keys of teenage homework
in the background of your pain,
and I know that somehow this far-away Love will help,
must help
and be as sustenance,
a force to hold you up
until a better Love finds you.