Spirit Gifts: Life Goes On...

Every now and again I decide to adopt a gratitude perspective and each time I do I uncover some thought/thing of wonder.  Today's wondering/wandering, while listening to political pundits rail against the wind, led me to read my last post here.  It was written in 2018 and reflected the frightened and sad frame of mind that I embraced.

When I finished reading that brief post I realized that one of life's gifts is life itself.  The process of living day into day makes remaining inert impossible.  Eighteen months after that post, I am starting a new business, sharing a home with my adult daughter who is an everyday reminder of love, and thinking about how to improve the lives of those around me, as I improve my own.

Am I still angry and frightened?  You bet.  But, seeking gratitude helped me realize that who I am and what I have created stand for themselves against the sea of surrounding ugliness.  Gratitude-seeking requires that we pull back and look at our lives through a lens that is simultaneously stripped of reactionary judgement and embracing of what is deeply personal. Gratitude-seeking allows us to view with fresh eyes the moments that make up our days and to reorder our hierarchy of importance.  

So, while I am still disappointed by the swell of racism and nationalism that I see around me, I can acknowledge with compassion the frailties that define today's human experience.  While I am still frightened by all of the people walking through the streets of my American city with their guns and their generalized fear of people who look like me, I am still breathing.  While I worry about the rising tide and rapidly declining ice caps, I am still laughing, working, and dreaming.

I am grateful because living means not giving up. A Luta Continua!  The struggle continues, not with others but within ourselves.  May gratitude find your heart.

2 Years Later...Not Much Has Changed

There was a time when I believed my hard work and commitment would lead to better days, for myself and for the world of which I am a part.

I am not sure now if I should label that old belief naive, egocentric or just foolish.  I'm also not sure what meaning to give to life given that the willfully ignorant and blatantly hateful are at the helm of the most powerful nation on earth.

Whatever it's called, it has led me to sadness, anxiety and confirmation that humans are not really evolved creatures.  That quite likely we are not going to survive the damage we do to ourselves, our fellow living beings and the planet.

What to do now that the curtain has been pulled back and the hollow sound of promise bellows and echos through the Spirit chambers?

12 Days of Reflection

An old work colleague, Kim, posed the challenge to reflect on the passing year by focusing on a refelction suggestion each day for the next 12 days.  I'm excited to engage.  Here is the first of the 12:

 
If you can give a name to 2011 what would it be and what would you name 2012?

I'm tempted to give 2011 a really funky name since it was the 3rd year in a row my employer did not give out raises and the 2nd they reduced pay (one day of furlough the first year and 2 days in 2011).  I was promised a promotion that never materialized and have grown fatter, despite my conviction to become thinner.  My 86 year-old mom had a stroke and became totally dependent upon me.  It looked pretty bad all the way around.

But, what I know is that 2011 was what I made it, funky circumstance and all.  If anything, 2011 was my year of learning to take responsibility for my life.  I started to have the sneaky suspicion that I was standing in my own way.  Yes, difficulties were showing up and lots of them.  Anyone who knows or is a single mom understands what I mean.  Life is tough for all of us but, a woman on her own (no child support, no weekends at Dad's, no protector or confidant) has a battle everyday.  And, that reality kept me feeling sorry for myself.

At least, until I began to hear the whispers in my head that said "change the way you see your Life and you'll change your life".

So, just before my birthday, I made an appointment with a therapist, saw my internist and recommitted to my own happiness.  Each feels like a big move.

To 2011, I name you the Year of Self-Reflection.  As for 2012, I believe it will be the Year of Claiming My Good.

Be well and in joy.

Life Choices

You may have seen this video already (if not, please watch until it ends), but it is a nice reminder that hope and belief in positive outcomes are not frivolous, empty or outdated ways of being; they are simply a choice. In life, we move between hope and despair, positive and negative experiences coloring our view. The trick is to remember not to let the experience cloud our heart or our faith.

If we mean for our world to be better, then we must have a vision of a better world and we must believe it can be created.

This belief is not a guarantee because we know no such thing exists. Belief is simply an expression of faith in the face of both tragedy and accomplishment. Holding fast to faith is not easy to do; calamity often brings pain, trials, obstacles and fear. But, the great gift of being human is the ability to see beyond (or behind) the present moment, even as we acknowledge what is happening, right now.

Today, I reconnected with my world vision because a far-flung friend expressed his fear and it brought to my awareness the untold fears that I have held. But, I am more than my fear, more than my pain, more than all the forces that have carved into my Life those debilitating trenches and injurious potholes that I have had to traverse. Today, I once again made the choice to believe in positive outcomes and to work daily to create them. To do this in the face of the winds of inertia that can keep my words from being heard or cause my ideas to be left on the floor, like litter.

There is still so much for us to do. I offer this video as an opportunity for your reflection and choice.

http://youtu.be/42E2fAWM6rA

Joy & A Glass of Wine, Raised High

Baby girl is managing editor of the national award winning paper at her school. I just can't contain my joy! If you are out there trying to be a good single parent, keep trying, it pays off in the end...

You make your daily sacrifices, choices in the best interest of the one you Love. People criticize, shake their heads, tell you to do it differently. You skirt the edges of paycheck to paycheck, give up a career and cry alone at night.

And then, like some sort of certificate of merit, your baby grows up and starts to make her own decisions. They are good ones. She is happy and fulfilled. She is just at the beginning but it looks bright.

You breathe and smile and acknowledge how full your heart is. You thank God and you plan for your future for the first time in 18 years. You become more spontaneous, start a happiness project, have hope for your own Life again. You thank God and rejoice.

I thank God and I rejoice!

Anonymity

I think I have been away from this blog for so long that anyone who knows me has given up on it. I like that idea because it leaves me free to say anything here. I have been wanting a space where I could be wholly myself - good, bad, indifferent, outrageous, stupid, fearful, tired, smart, wholesome, hard and strong or weak and shaking. I've needed a space where I could express the truth without being overheard by someone who has a different picture of me.

Now that I'm here, I'm going to give internal honesty a shot and maybe I'll be able to take that into every moment of my days and nights.

There's a place I need to go on the inside of my Self but I'm not sure where it is, I have no map and I'm lost. I have the sense that if I can find my way to the core of my being that everything will sort itself. And, not surprisingly, I am hopeful that I'll find my way.

Better Days, Greater Love

I hold for you
tenderness;
a warm amethyst crystal
in my left palm,
glowing with power,
promising balance and peace.

How can I write what you have been to me?
Little of what I wanted and yet everything
all at once.
How could I measure the weight of your mouth
on my belly,
speaking to the unborn beauty I carried there?
I find it impossible to regret what Life brought me
just because I was angered
by what it took in exchange.

Tenderness in my heart and soul
wells up
at the sound of your mighty voice,
I will you to feel it across this VOIP connection,
knowing it doesn't make right
what has gone wrong in your Life.

I wish this tenderness could go back in time
and change everything,
making me long to wrap you in my arms,
cradled, like the 2 year-old I chose to Love completely
instead of you.

My love may seem almost useless to you now,
separated by 850 miles and too many years
of unfulfilled desires;
I can do no more than stand for you.

Looking out across my backyard
listening to the clacking keys of teenage homework
in the background of your pain,
I would have this far away Love be as sustenance,
a force to hold you up
until a greater Love finds you.

Too Much

I watched a coworker bury her 28 yr.old son today and I thought, 'this is too much'.
I was rejected by a lonely, awkward and interesting man this week after asking him out on a date and I knew it was too much.
I am not sure why I keep putting one foot in front of the other each day but, I do, and it feels like too much.

Somewhere along the way I got it all confused and now I am overwhelmed or maybe I am underwhelmed. Yeah.

One of Those Days

Don't quite know why but I feel lost. A recent dose of rejection has knocked me off my stride but I want to get up and move on. My 14 years of self-imposed nun-like behavior have taken their toll.

In my head I know that Life is good and getting better. But, somewhere in there I am afraid. It's that fear I want to release. I want to be the woman I know in my heart and soul I truly am. I want to step into me - fully and completely.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

I am feeling a little spicy today! Like a salsa in the wee hours to Tito Puente. I have no idea why, but a good feeling is it's own good reason!

No Angst, No Gory

Life is good! Hectic and a bit crazed and everything is fine. I think my vacation may have hit a reset button inside of me. Whatever, I feel calm and capable. There is something about this time that makes me feel like it's mine.

On January 4th, I wrote of my desire to change my mind. To shed my old patterns of thought and take on new ones to acknowledge that change happens from the inside out. I believe it's working. I'm learning. I am simultaneously more accepting and more open to change. It feels good.

I am reminded of my friend Marijo's affirmation:

I believe in the the power of love.
I believe in synchronicity.
I believe in the power of energy.
Everything can change - in an instant.
If only we allow.

Yeah...

Packing Up My Kit Bag

and taking it on the road.

I'm headed to my favorite city - NY, NY! Work is the primary agenda but I should get to see a few friends while I'm there. I am so looking forward to it. This past week was a bear - a huge grizzly, believe me.

Between my bosses snapping and my co-workers dodging responsibility I was kept on my toes longer than a prima ballerina (and that visual ain't pretty!). But, I made it through (and if the insanity continues into this week, which based upon an article that was published today is very likely) and I won't be around to catch the fallout. Lucky me.

I'll get to see my friend, Michael, who has been struggling, of late. I'm hoping to find him in better Spirits (he seems so over the phone). It will be nice to hang out for an evening or two.

But, before any of that, I have to survive this Giants - Saints game. Come on, NY, you can do better than this! Your hometown girl is sending you winning energy. Can't you feel it??

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, the Giants lost. No, they were obliterated :-(

Here are a few updates:

1. I've started planning the womanchild's Sweet 16 party. I can hardly believe it was almost 16 years ago that she joined us on this journey. Wow. She has asked me not to make it too fancy and though I am usually laid back, I'm having a hard time controlling myself. I see an elegant and beautiful dinner party, with dance floor and DJ. Before I get too carried away, I promise to find out what she sees!

2. I do not like running. I started to type 'hate' but realized that was an exaggeration. Unlike walking, it's not fun. I know there are a bunch of you out there for whom it is a favorite pastime but, I can't wait for my cousin to get better so I can stop doing this 3 times a week. I am still on the easy regiment and yet, it feels like punishment. Luckily, Evlynne is healing rapidly; she's up to walking around the block in 23 min. I figure that means another 8 weeks instead of 10 for the running thing. Once she can walk a mile, my commitment is over. Now, lest I sound completely moronic, I want to add that I am very grateful that I CAN run.

3. My iPod has been surprising me with all sorts of selections I never paid attention to but find I really like. Here are a few:
Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow & Sting
Stand Up (For It)- Dave Mathews
Liberian Girl - Michael Jackson
Have A Little Faith - All Rebel Rockers
Happiness - The Fray
The Mess I Made - Parachute

Enjoy!

Love Note

I want to write
you
a
Love letter.

Just a word
from my heart to say
how warm
and safe
and easy
Life is
when I am in your arms.

Some message that could convey
my heart's fullness,
my mind's stillness
and the depth of my laugh
when you are in the room.

I wish words would rise
powerful,
like the blood red sunrise
that graces your balcony,
and fill this page
with rhythm and meaning
enough.

But these
simple common words
are all that will flow
from my fingertips...

Dearheart,
I Love you
everyday,
forever.


Update:

Have I mentioned how much better I feel since I started walking? It's wonderful! I sleep better at night, my appetite has decreased and those endorphins are priceless. Today I did a mere 4 mi and I'm completely energized for the workday ahead (yes, it's Sunday and I'll be working, just like yesterday). I started this journey because I wanted to support breast cancer research and, even though I couldn't make the event this weekend, I did raise a good bit of money and created a very good habit for myself.

Now to keep it going!

I've decided to sign up for the 3-day event next year to keep myself motivated. Every year, I discover another woman in my circle who has/is battling breast cancer. So, every year I want to stand up for them (and my Dad's memory). In addition, my cousin Evlynne, who is a fitness consultant/trainer and club manager had hip surgery last week and asked her friends and family to up their workouts as a way of supporting her recovery. So, rattling around in my head had been this slow, steady running program to which I've been afraid to commit. For Evlynne (and for me), tomorrow starts my journey into the run. I don't know if I'll like it, be good at it or have the physical stamina to do it but, tomorrow morning I'll find out.

I figure, even if I hate it, I can commit to doing it until she is back in the swing of things (about 12 weeks) and that should be long enough to push past my anxieties and know if it's a practice I want to continue. While I'm on that journey I will continue to walk on the weekend. I'd like to get in 8 - 10 miles over one or two days.

I have discovered that I enjoy long walks with friends or my iPod; early morning or late evening sky changes, the call of birds and sounds of whatever city I am in floating around me. I feel especially alive when I'm in my walking rhythm; even the aches of the last few miles remind me that I am here, breathing and participating in the natural flow of the universe.

Lucky me!

Poetry, Reflection and Stuff

I have been away for a while, off on what I hoped would be a magical vacation bringing me to my favorite guy.

I always wonder, before I see him, if the spell will be broken. If the Life we live in-between our visits will somehow cancel out the power of what connects us. But, this time was sweet and pleasure-filled and easy. It was quite a gift of Love and I am grateful to have received it.

All the rest and relaxation I got was just what I needed. The time away brought me balance and of course, made me thoughtful and I decided to share some of those thoughts with you.

Love is so much and then, so simple.

When I was young I bounced between heady emotions and had my heart broken fairly often. I tend to be very loyal and like long term relationships (I know, I know, how did I remain single?) but I discovered, in my 30's, that what drove me towards Love were my hormones and my lovers' pheromones. Neither helps a girl make good decisions and my chaotic family history gave me an unworkable model. I had no skills for making a good mate choice. So, as a self-preservation tactic, I made the decision to spend my 40's focused on family and work. That decision likely clinched my singlehood, making it a permanent state of being, for this Life.

Oddly enough though, the men that I found during my 30's are still the men I Love best, even though I am no longer biologically induced into liaisons. One my dear friend, the other my sweet Lover. And that fact makes me ponder Love's power to hold us, bind us and carry us forward.

How is it that I still have a full heart after the disappointments, the loneliness, the distance? How does Love do that even when, over the years, I have sworn not to allow it?

I have been a willing witness to the growth of these men who once were callous, no, careless really, with my affections. I listened to them, over the years (and just last week), care for other women and admit I have screamed inside why not care for me??? but, that too has quieted to a barely discernible whisper. I have become, I think, the caretaker of my own Life.

Today, I am generally better able to see people for who they are than I was when younger and (bonus time) I don't mind most people being exactly who they are, even if it doesn't suit me. I don't know how or when I became so accepting of reality but I find it hurts a lot less than when I just kept wishing people and circumstances would be different.

I suppose that could sound like resignation, and I might suspect it was if I wasn't feeling so fine. If I hadn't just come from the arms of a man I Love deeply (and Love being with so completely) and yet, suffered not at all from our parting, I might think that I was kidding myself. And, though I would gladly and without hesitation walk halfway around the world to sit down by his side (thanks for that line, Dave) if he asked, I am not wishing and praying and pacing the floor at night for his desire. Instead, I am simply living the Life I have as if it is something precious.

Maybe I came late to the gift of mortality - an appreciation of Life and Love without conditions, but, I am glad I finally arrived.

When I returned home I discovered that the other man I Love is in a good deal of pain, suffering from economic and relationship downturns. The poem below is for him.


Better Days

I hold for you
tenderness,
like a warm amethyst crystal
in my left palm;
it glows with power
and promises balance and peace.

How can I say what you have been to me?
Little of what I wanted and yet everything
all at once,
once upon a long ago time.
How could I measure the weight of your mouth
on my belly,
speaking to the unborn beauty I carried there?
Impossible to regret what Life brought me
just because I was angered
by what it took in exchange.

Tenderness in my heart and soul
wells up at the sound of your mighty voice,
I will you to feel it across this VOIP connection,
all the while knowing I cannot make right
what has gone wrong in your Life.

I wish it could change everything,
this tenderness
that makes me long to wrap you in my arms,
cradled, like the 2 year-old I chose
instead of you.

I am almost useless to you now,
separated by 850 miles and too many years
of unfulfilled wishes.

I can do no more than stand for you.

I look out across my backyard
listening to the clacking keys of teenage homework
in the background of your pain,
and I know that somehow this far-away Love will help,
must help
and be as sustenance,
a force to hold you up
until a better Love finds you.

Time's Not Marching - It's Running!

It's a little weird being the mom of a teenager when most grandmothers are my age, comfortably. I feel as if I missed a step. When everyone else was going through their mid-life crises I was raising a toddler/young child. Now, it's too late to have one.

I seem to have fast forwarded straight to grappling with mortality. Not that anything is wrong with me physically, I just feel (and much to my chagrin, look) so much older. Just like my womanchild was a baby last week and a full blown teen this one, I feel as if I was a youthful 35, only yesterday. I am continually shocked to find that yesterday was almost 18 years ago!

The music I partied to is now beyond classic and old school. Thank goodness Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince are all aging too! But, it doesn't really help that my generation's icons are dead or fighting to keep their careers viable.

At work, I am confronted with the fact that there are many things I could learn to do but, it's doubtful that I will take the time or be offered the opportunity. Like, writing programming code. Last week, I attended a training that required familiarity with writing in code. I get the concept but that's as far as my skill level goes. I had an easy time at the training because it was very basic but I could also see all of the things I won't be able to do with this tool because I don't have the requisite skill set.

The only comfort is that I will probably lead the people who do know how to write the code and I will be responsible for keeping the project moving and ensuring that the end product works for my organization, from the user's perspective. Up until now, I always had some of the skill I required of those who worked for me. They often held more expertise in specific areas but, in a pinch I could substitute. Not so anymore.

I'm not complaining because I understand this is just forward movement. It just feels uncomfortable, like I'm off balance. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

Now for the fun stuff! I've won tickets to see The Fray from a local radio station and in less than 2 weeks I'll be on vacation!!! Sun, fun and Love. That's a wonderful combination.

Lucky me!

Making Adjustments

It occurred to me, this afternoon while putting groceries in the car, that I am not as happy as I would like to be. Now, if someone were to ask me if I am happy, I would likely respond "yes, relatively so". I certainly don't think of myself as unhappy.

But, as I was loading the car and my daughter was standing next to the cart staring off into space, I suddenly became annoyed, said something flip and then, was huffy (in my mind) as I finished up.

I realized that what I would have preferred to have done would have been to simply ask her to help me; without frustration or sarcasm. It was a small exchange but it was telling.

I've been having more and more experiences like that one. Seconds after I react I realize that I could have made a different choice. I feel as if I spend a great deal of my time under stress, frustrated or annoyed. Trust me, that is not how I want to live this life.

So, I think that I need to make a few adjustments, fix a few things - my attitude, for starters. I believe I have a disposition that appreciates and gravitates towards joy and peace. I like calm and comfy. But, the world around me is too often in full forward blast and I have forgotten the needed coping skills to maintain balance and create my joy. Once upon a time I think I did pretty well. These days, however, I feel spiritually lazy; like I have let good habits slip and replaced them with my thoughtless reactions.

I want my reactions to be joyful or to at least start at neutral. That means back to meditation (no matter how hard it seems to clear my jammed to the rafters brain) and continuing my physical exercise; it means intentionally seeing the beauty and joy in the little moments of my days and being grateful for them. Ok, that's my homework for the next 6 months.

It's not all work, though. There is fun and joy in my future! In September, I'm off to visit one of my favorite men and have a relaxing and grown-up vacation. This is my first vacation without the womanchild since she was born. I'm looking forward to starry nights, balmy days and the connecting kind of Love that is shared with someone who holds you in their heart. It's the kind of R&R that I really need.

May your future be filled with the best Life has to offer...

My Life According to Dave Mathews

I saw this posted on the fb page of the teenage daughter of one of my friends. It peeked my interest so I thought I would play it here. Play and pass it on, if you like!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You cannot use the name of the artist I select. Do not repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

As the teenager aptly put it "I'm a dork for doing this!" But, so what? I've been a dork for so long it doesn't matter at all!

Pick Your Artist:
Dave Mathews (but, you knew that, didn't you?)

Are you a male or female?:
Dreamgirl

Describe yourself:
Steady As We Go

How do you feel:
So Damn Lucky

Describe where you currently live:
American Baby

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Stolen Away On 55th and 3rd

Your favorite form of transportation is:
Satellite

Your best friend is:
Pleasure and Pain

What's the weather like:
Typical Situation

Favorite time of day:
Rising Stars

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Funny The Way It Is

Your relationships:
Stay or Leave

Your fear:
You Might Die Trying

What is the best advice you have to give:
Everybody Wake Up

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Smooth Rider

My soul's present condition:
Hunger For The Great Light

Your Motto:
Don't Drink The Water

And, there you have it. What's the story of your Life?

Soul Survivor

Well, it's been awhile and aside from working like a slave (hard and without remuneration beyond basic needs) I haven't had time to do much. Most days when I was dragging myself home, I could get myself pepped-up and pumped by some of my new music.

Here is where the womanchild enters the scene - most of the songs/artists were her suggestions!

Now that may seem reasonable but we have very different tastes. Babygirl likes here hipitty hopitty thump and bump music. So, for us, it shows either a real sense of maturity in her taste in music or a loss of standards on my part. I tend to like music with feeling, meaning and complexity. I can't say every song I've been jamming to lately has all 3 qualities but, 2 out of 3 ain't bad and a few have them all.

So here goes my hit list:

Dave Mathews Band - Shake Me Like A Monkey
Dave Mathews Band - Funny The Way It Is
Dave Mathews Band - Laying In The Hands of God
Kris Allen - Heartless
Parachute - Back Again
Parachute - The Mess I Made
Parachute - Blame It On Me
Pink - Sober
The Script - We Cry
The Script - Breakeven
Adele - Right As Rain
Beyonce - Halo (I find myself singing this and enjoying the feel of it)

I hope there's good music in your world, keeping you sane, moving you forward, bringing you pleasure.

Here's to next week and having something to write about!

The Calling

It's late and I should be asleep but this piece was rattling around in my head. Doubtless, I'll pay for my folly tomorrow but for tonight...

My mother taught me to be long suffering
My father taught me why
I'd like to break the hold of the past
Someday, before I die.

To each, this Life is given
Its grandeur ours to make
The choice is mine to live it fully
or suffer as a fake.

It's up to me to find the joy
hidden in each day
to celebrate the Love I find
in my own remarkable way;

To march forward into my unknown
Despite the fear of pain
To change my unproductive ways
to habits that bring me gain.

I intend, today, to look within
and not shirk from what I see
to honor the world with all I am
and give the gift of me.

A Play 4 Me...

Not too far from my home a new arts center has been built. It's a wonderful and elegant structure, though not wasteful in size or amenities. I guess I would describe it as two big steps up from a community theater auditorium but a full ladder away from the Alliance Theater. No matter, its location is excellent, bringing the arts to this growing and primarily black community. It means no more traveling into midtown to see the beauty of creativity unfold - it's all right here in our own backyard.

Tonight, I went to see "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf", by Ntozake Shange. The production was directed by Jasmine Guy and starred several wonderful black actresses; a few of whom are fairly well known and one of whom is the daughter of a past colleague and friend.

To say that the production was very good would be like describing the perfect rose and blue sunrise as pretty. It was fantastic, bringing to Life a play/poetic story form that I remembered well for over 30 years. Shange wrote an amazing piece of work and today, it continues to hold its power.

The writing is a treat and the acting was captivating. Fantastic job, ladies!!! Thank you.