All The Truth I Know About Love

I've been thinking about what to tell my daughter that will give her the truth (or at least as much of it as I know) about all sorts of things. Work, Love, anger, opportunity, family and Life. There is so much to say that rarely gets said on the morning ride to school or Thursdays after soccer.

I want to tell her about Love in a way that is neither jaded nor rooted in fairytales. I've been twisting around in my head and heart the words that would express what I have lived and believe and they never seem to come out right. But, if I don't get something out and down, what I mean to say may never be written. So, at the risk of telling far too much and not enough simultaneously, I'm taking my shot.



Love does not require anyone else. In fact, the first love is always ourselves. Most of what we do in Life are attempts to meet the needs of our Self, to support our Self, to keep our Self safe; in other words, to Love and care for our Self. And that's very important, essential even, and it can get in the way of being open enough to Love others.



Loving others does not mean they will Love you back. This is true for all forms of Love. It is likely that you will meet others whom you want to know better. Some you will want for friends, others as Lovers. But, you can never predict their response to you, nor should you try. My strategy has always been to just put it out there. Hey, folks, let's try a little of this Love stuff! It feels good and it's good for you too! While it hurts a good bit when it's unrequited, it seems more honest to state the case as is.



I have also noticed that my openness can make it difficult for my dance partner. If they are not feeling what I feel, they have the burden of letting me down. And that can be difficult, I suppose. Especially when it is just as easy to take what's being offered and pretend to feel the same. Which leads me to...



Just because it looks, sounds and acts like Love, doesn't mean it is. Love has a gentle face and most people, especially those who are attracted to you, find it easy to don this face in the beginning of a relationship. But, attraction or passion are not Love. Love can be built, over time, as a result of attraction but does not automatically or of necessity flow from it. In the beginning, relationships usually feel good (if one doesn't, for any reason, you should end it). But, the beginning is just that - the time that is long before you really know a person.


Love is the most joyful and hurtful state you will ever experience. It is a paradox, truly. It does not mean equal parts of each, however. But, no matter how close and caring two people are, they cannot avoid hurting one another. To be in this human form, which by its nature means we have only a limited understanding of how deeply connected we really are, guarantees misunderstanding, moments of self-absorption, fear of any number of things and a simple lack of time. Even for the most conscientious partner, one or more of these things will cause upset to their beloved.

Love is a gift to be cherished. No one owes you their Love and care nor should you take it lightly when you see someone is sincere in their offer of Love. Even if you don't share the others feelings, their feelings (and yours) are worthy of respect. A kind 'No' is far better than pretending 'Yes'. In the end, the insincere going along is much more hurtful. Love must always be honored with truthfulness, tenderness and patience.

Never take yourself too seriously. If you can find it in your heart to laugh at yourself; at your petty gripes, your excessive needs and your irrational fears, then you may have a shot at cultivating Love.

My darling girl, I am sure I have not said more than a drop in the ocean of what is needed and I will likely revisit and revise this over time. For today, I hope it is enough. Watching you grow and blossom, I wish for you all and only the best of Love.

Mommy

Yes, I'm In Love

I have completely and without reservation fallen for Dave Mathews and his amazing band. Yes, I said it, I have a school girl crush and I'm proud of it.

If you know Dave, you know he has been around for a very long time. I, however, have lived under a rock for the past 14 years and somehow missed his excellent music until this past fall. And, it was only by accident that I found him.

Having dropped off the teens at school, I decided to roll the dice and listen to something other than my usual Bert Show (whose talk show makes me laugh - and who doesn't need a laugh in the morning?). I flipped to my rarely listened to Dave FM (cause the teenagers are always listening to the hip and the hop) and there, radiating out from my speakers, was this edgy, funky, rock/country/world/jazz music that made me LISTEN.

I mean, I focused on the song, its words, melody, intonation, instruments, the beat - all of it combined to create music in the way it was meant to be. I don't remember what was playing but I made a point to remember the band. About a month later, after the girl child asked if she could download some music, I realized I hadn't tried to find that band I liked so much. I dug through my purse to find the sticky note and hit the iTunes icon.

What I discovered has kept me rockin' for the past few months. I Love Dave Mathews.
I go to sleep with his voice in my head (thank goodness for iPods) and workout to him in the morning. I imagine meeting him in the airport as I'm about to get on a plane. We talk for a few moments and discover we are headed to the same place. I take my seat in coach, he walks to first class and a few minutes later, the flight attendant tells me I can move forward. What joy! A seat next to Dave.

I got it bad, I know. Teenagerish crush, for sure. It's like being 16, I just don't have posters on my bedroom walls. You gotta laugh at yourself when you're fantasizing about rock stars!

In case, by some strange twist of fate you haven't heard of Dave Mathews, here are a few of my favorites:
Crash Into Me
Everyday
Ants Marching
Steady As We Go
The Dreaming Tree
The Idea of You
Stay or Leave
Grey Street

What can I say? Everyone should have the joy of crushing in their middle years!

Rock on and smile...

Valentine Love

I know that Valentine's Day is just a made up holiday and some folks will get all twisted up in knots about what they do or don't have today. But, I think setting aside a day to celebrate romance and passion is a sweet thing. Here is my tribute to the day and to the men who live in my heart, forever my Valentines.

A storm swept through
and blew out my electricity
So, I set the lamb on the grill
and decided to watch the sun
fall slowly below the tree line.

Across the dark blue and velvet sky
clouds swam overhead;
the moon peeking out from in-between
watched me sip warm beer
as I waited for my evening meal.

I think of you
as the wind slides along my cheek;
of your feet
or my feet
reaching across the unspoken divide
of our wedding bed
to say
'Love me tonight'.
I thought of how we each slid
so easily
along the length of the other
fulfilling the desire teased up by our toes.

Venus winks at me,
pulling me from my memories;
time to check the flame
and turn the meat.
But, the sudden heat
causes me to recall
a steamy Singapore night
when everything was you
and I was everything,
and the glow in my heart was visible.
The hibiscus seemed to spring up
as we walked along
those unfamiliar streets;
your pale hand gently clasped my cocoa fingers
your lips found my mouth
and stole my breath
as the rain poured down upon us.
Ah, baby,
what a night that was!

I take a long swallow from my half empty bottle
and listen
to the rustle of the trees.
The leaves make a dry and crackling sound
like the fall of your cargoes
across your thick and strong brown thighs
to the floor.
Your tongue worked magic along my back
a moan escaped my lips
and echoes now, through my mind.

Oh, how I remember
the late night dinners,
the shared movies,
the whispered fantasies and
the dreams worth dreaming
with you.

I remember the depth of your brown eyes,
the smell of you mixed with soap
and the smell of you mixed with me.

Remember all the flirtation
all the angst
the laughter
the way the sound of your voice
could still my heart,
melt my fears
and fill my world with joy.

I remember the day-to-day
the somedays
the always
and
the never ending
we will never end promises
that were broken and kept.

It is all here
for me
tonight;
so,
even though there will be no flowers,
no chocolate
nor diamonds exchanged
in celebration of such Love
I am still thankfulness and gratitude
still open and alive
still smiling
at every moment I spent in your heart.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

It's a Dog's Life

I've been thinking of getting a dog.

A nice mid-size, fun-loving, energetic, minimal shedding dog.

I'm not sure I'm ready to make the commitment; the whole walking in cold weather, house smell and not leaving him/her for long periods of time. But, the companionship would be nice. I had a dog growing up and even though he was offically my brother's dog, I Loved him alot.



Who can resist that face? I'm going to let myself chew on the idea for a few months and, if I haven't changed my mind, I'll take a ride over to the Humane Society and adopt a pooch. Oooo, I could just kiss that face!

Footballmania

I'm not much of a sports fan. I was introduced to cricket a couple of years ago by my favorite lover and the womanchild loves soccer, aka football (making me a huge fan - when she's playing). But, although I enjoy watching when I have someone to discuss a game with, for me it is really about the social element more than the game itself.

Growing up, my family was immersed in tv and stadium sports. We attended Knicks, Nets, Mets, Yankees and Jets games. We watched any game that our team was playing and I admit to fully engaging in the spirit of sport.

In my 20s and 30s, lovers were usually impressed with my ability to analyze a game and predict the winner. One boyfriend actually used me to place his bets. I even received a few nice pieces of jewelry from the winnings.

Funny though, once I realized I had to give up some things to keep my little family going, sports just fell away. I don't recall even missing it. These days, when folks in the office start to discuss their favorite teams my eyes seem to roll up behind their lids and my mind freezes. "Who cares?", I think. Just about everyone, it seems.

It's hard for me to remember what I made all the fuss about years ago. Steelers or Cardinals (mind you, the Cardinals were only a baseball team when I seriously watched the game), win or lose, what will change tomorrow? Will banks start making loans, children be better protected and educated, the poor provided clean, safe housing and enough food to eat? Will the US and world economy begin to expand? How will the world be better?

What the 'big' game does allow us to do is to forget the problems and concerns that we face. And that's okay. We need a break from the stresses of Life every now and then. I'm all for taking a well deserved break. So, enjoy your Super Bowl parties 'cause tomorrow we face news of more job losses, business downturns and bi-partisan bickering (from both sides of the aisle).

I'll be watching for the commercials (and enjoying lots of good food and drink) at my friend Lester's house.

Wherever you are, if you are watching, I hope your team wins!

Stay or Leave?

I Love that Dave Mathews song, don't you? But, the song itself is not today's writing topic, the title was simply illustrative of the dilema.

The question I have requires serious pondering on my part. It was raised by an old and very close friend who has declared that he is moving to Africa. He has always wanted to go and work there and now, at 50, pension and financial stability be damned, he's decided to go.

For my part, I cheered him on, 'follow your dreams and make them real'. That's my go-to line, isn't it? In fact, that's what I wrote on these 'pages' just a few days ago. Why then, I wonder, was there this sinking feeling during our conversation? As if I knew that this was a wrong turn.

The rational side of me knows that our lessons and our Lives are for us to discover - day by day. It doesn't matter where we are (or even who we are with) because through our experiences we face the eternal choices of defining ourselves (good and bad, Love and hate, power and weakness, kind and selfish, creative and destructive). Whether my friend stays in NYC or moves to Ghana he will only find himself.

I suspect that he is looking to find a better self there. Someone who can do more for others and be better appreciated for his service. Or maybe it really is just a yearning that he has suppressed for many years which must now be fulfilled. Still I have that sense of things being out of balance. Being who I am, I know that sense of being off-kilter means I have somehow made this about me.

Perhaps it's because for years I felt trapped by my Life. Having only meager means to exercise my wanderlust and needing to create roots for my baby girl, I put away much of my desire to change my scenery. I suppressed it until it came gurgling up as anger at my single parenthood and at Life in general. It took a while to make Peace with the circumstances of my Life, but I believe I have.

I've discovered how deeply rewarding it can be to be in one place for a long time and to give yourself over to another human being completely, as I have only done for my child. It has also gotten easier, as the years have passed, to include what I need into my Life. So, there's been a release valve for my frustration. As we come closer to her departure (and make no bones about it, she can't wait to get outta here) I see the choices for my Life making themselves known.

Will I remain here once my womanchild is fully a woman? Will I take up pottery, travel to the 4 continents I have yet to experience, fall in Love again, write that next book? I don't know. But, the questions don't haunt me as they once did. I am certain that Life will simply unfold, as it always does. I will make my choices and then I'll learn what I have set in motion for myself.

Having said all that, I am no closer to understanding my reaction to my friends pronouncement than I was when I started writing/thinking about it. Perhaps I have been a Mom too long and am simply projecting all the unspoken fears I have about my little one going out into the world onto my friend.

LOL. So absolutely simple and obvious!

It was probably clear to you from the beginning, so let me apologize for the preceding rambling. I am least transparent to myself.

Well my friends, I hope you will help me weather that particular storm when it does hit. When the time has come for me to think mostly about myself, to make most of my choices with only myself in mind, to send my child off into the wide world, to trust that she will be wonderful on her own.

I've still got a few years to go and I'm already fretting about it.

That may not be such a good sign. :o)