My friend and neighbor had her 52 birthday celebration on Friday. A gaggle of us girls (about 15 women aged 23 - 52) celebrated at a wonderful Cajun restaurant here in Atlanta and then came back to my house for drinks, cake and a male stripper. The stripper was the idea of my friend's daughter, who organized the whole celebration and did a really great job.
Now, when I was in my twenties, whenever a friend got engaged or had a big birthday (25 or 30) a group of us would take them to a club that featured male strippers and free drinks, and we made sure to bring lots of dollar bills. The first time I went I did so because it was a birthday celebration for a workmate that I liked alot. I was however, morally and intellectually opposed to what I saw as the complete objectification and degradation of the men who would be stripping. I hated the idea of women stripping and felt equally opposed to it for men.
Because going to strip clubs was primarily a male activity in those days, I thought I would be immune to whatever reaction they experienced. Imagine my surprise when, after two drinks, I was waving my dollar bill and hollering with the most enthusiastic of the crowd "Take it off, baby!" (You gotta laugh at yourself or you're doomed to a Life of regret.) It was my first real awareness of the how basic and primal human Life really is. We are all subject to the power of the crowd, which is emotional, but also operates on other levels, as well. From the pheromones we emit causing a biochemical reaction to the co-mingling of the electrmagnetic fields that surround each of us, we impact one another. I realized that being female (and thoughtful) does not exclude you from the human expereince. Not to mention the fact that I enjoyed the feelings of freedom and arousal quite a bit.
When the first glimpses of the horrible mistreatment and degradation of the prisoners at the Abu Ghraib detention facility were shown, a number of people I knew were surprised that women were involved. I wasn't. I remembered the club experiences I had way back when (though I suspect the miltary personnel were driven by feelings of control, power and rage) and I knew women were not immune to that kind of behavior.
Fast forward to 2006 and here I am, in my home, hosting a stripping experience. I found myself in a very different place this time around. It maybe that I'm 49 and my hormone levels have receded (although that didn't seem to be effecting the rest of the over 45 crowd), but while I completely appreciated the physical beauty of the gentleman who put on the show, I found myself an observer of the experience and not a participant. As I watched the excitement of the other women and the very erotic (though legally covered) body of the dancer, I realized I was not engaged and I found myself wondering why.
Up until a couple of months ago, I had been celibate for 8 years. (The end of that period may be the topic of a later blog) My celibacy started out as an intentional journey. After a particularily disappointing relationship I realized that I was not very good at selecting mates. I have this open-hearted way of approaching the world and when I was feeling good about someone I tended to focus only on what was good about them without seeing all the other shades, colors, signs and giant road markers. So, I thought it was best to take some time and figure out those things that were a mystery to me about my process of realtionship. I also felt that I didn't want to set an insane example for my daughter (who was 3 years old) of what realtionships were about.
However, I did not plan to be alone for 8 years. Somewhere around year two I decided I had figured some things out and was now ready to step into the world of dating. My travel schedule, single Mom responsibilities and commitment to taking things slow made dating an every-now-and-then activity. Many of the men I met were not really available (single, but not interested in a relationship) or, we just didn't match; though I have made a couple of friends/acquaintances over these years.
I did begin to understand that my desire and need for sex was completely separate from my desire and need for a Loving relationship. I had always linked the two in the past, which I think is why I made a number of poor choices along the way. I also became clear about the fact that what I desire is a realtionship where those two elements are definitely present; sexual desire expressed within the context of Love.
So, here I am, in my living room with an admittedly handsome, Michelangelo's David-like, half-naked man putting on a show and I realize this is soooo far from the kind of sexual expression in which I have an interest. I wasn't so much against what was happening as completely out of step with it. It was an odd feeling because the primal human reaction was still present, I just chose not to go with it. Once I made that choice I found I was fully present but not participating.
A few of the other ladies asked me if I was okay, thinking my lack of participation signaled that something was wrong. I assured them I was fine, that I just wasn't into it and that they should have fun. Once they realized I wasn't judging them I think they all relaxed and had a good time. I know the Birthday Girl did!
As for me, I'm hoping 2006 is the year I begin to create that intimate relationship I desire, while I stick to my resolution to see people for who they really are (see January 2, "Eyes Open, Walking On) and relate to them honestly and with care about what I see and what I want.
Whatever your realtionship status and desires I wish you much Love and fulfillment in this year too!
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