Happy Valentine's Day

For years I have been jealous of couples on Valentine's Day. "Where is mine?" I would think as roses were delivered to the office or co-workers talked about the wonderful things they would do with their partners, later that evening.

This year, I am oddly liberated from my past frustrations, wishes, anxiety and fear. I am happy to hear about all the joy that others will find on the day of Love. My two old flames are both dating new women and I am happy for them, too. Gone is the constricted heart that arose everytime I thought one of them might find happiness with someone else. These days, I wish them happiness - all that they can find.

As for me, I have ceased trying to figure things out and that has become a comfort of untold magnitude! I was not very good at deciphering Life's roadsigns, anyway. Few of my plans came to fruition (though the ones that did have been great and magnificent gifts) and so many things I had not even considered became real. Through it all, I have become Gayle. Peeling back layers, peeking into mirrors, learning to Love what I see. Embracing Life; like a baby learning to walk, I stumble. Then, I get up and try again.

You know, I am starting to understand what it really means to have abundance; to be free from want and lack. It doesn't mean that there aren't things or circumstances that I desire, because I think as a human I am wired to desire. But, it means I am comfortable with the ambiguity, the uncertainty, the chaos of Life. It means I trust Life, not to be perfect, but to be alive, energized, full of possibility, at all times.

Remembering that I am a living manifestation of Spirit makes it easy to trust as Life unfolds. When I thought I had to manage everything, keep everything under control, I found myself stressed and turning to my habitual behaviors to keep me from going under. These past few weeks I have been short-circuiting that circular, negative and unproductive thinking and have found it easier to live the lifestyle I know is best for me.

I've been exercising, drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. I have not obtained perfect balance, but that's a judgment, after all, isn't it? What I am really after is more Joy in each day, each hour, each moment. I am finding it, little by little.

Even though I knew in my head that another human being couldn't make me happy, I am beginning to understand with my heart and soul why this is true. I have to be happy in order to be happy with someone else. And, truthfully, I have tended to see (and anticipate) Life's disappointments with far more clarity than its opportunities.

But, that is all in the past. Right now, in this moment I am sharing my secrets with my friends in blogland and I am happy. I am alive, I am at peace, I am full of wonder, learning and Joy. Right now, and now, and now. Tomorrow will take care of itself and yesterday was only a dream. This moment is my Life and I give thanks for it.

Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours! May every one of you be filled with complete and perfect Love, from the inside out.