Yesterday, in a conversation with Mom, I realized how stressed out she is. It seemed that she was taking the whole going to live with my brother in stride and actually looking forward to it. Now, I am not so sure and it concerns me, greatly.
The most difficult thing about all this is that I find it very hard to converse with Mom. She is usually angry with me or, at least appears to be. So, having a conversation about a big Life-changing event is fraught with misunderstanding, lack of clarity and defensiveness - and that's just on my end.
At almost 82, a big move could be very funky and I don't want to precipitate a downward spiral for her. The thing is, I have a need for change and growth. If you've read through my posts, you know that I've been writing about this for awhile. I think I am getting clearer on the what's, and the how's of this change I am making.
I've decided to go back to school, stay steady with the job, make eating and exercise changes and find a new living environment. It would be great to move into the city and be around a few more single people, closer to work, use public transportation (and get some unscheduled exercise), live near my daughter's school and friends - all that would be great. I'm tired of the suburban Life, I thought it would be perfect for the little one, but she's no longer little and it doesn't feed my Spirit.
I am, however, concerned about the cost to Mom.
I don't have any answers for this right now. I suppose it will take a few more difficult conversations and open-hearted prayer to work this out. I'm breathing, I'm breathing...
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
When No Means No
David was certainly right in one respect - according to several folks on the interview panel, every applicant checked the requisite boxes and only one had the related experience. That one will be my new team lead.
I had some mixed feelings about this; she's about 15 years younger and, while bright, will need a good deal of support to get the job done. I'll certainly rise to the occasion and help her adjust.
I learned a few things about myself as I walked through this experience. I didn't really want that job. I haven't really wanted a job with this outfit for as long as I've been here. Initially, it was because the loss of my business wounded me deeply, then it was the boss from hell whom I swear sat up nights thinking of dramatic ways she could torture me.
Lately, though, in this department I've been a part of for a year now, it hasn't been bad. I've had a chance to breathe, use my mind and be creative. I've been appreciated for my work and that has had a healing effect. I've learned a great deal about people and how they work/break apart/stir up mess/and generally act like fallible human beings. I've learned a great deal about myself and my susceptibility to go along with the emotional crowd. When I am operating in a weakened mode (fearful of the future and angry about the past) I forget myself and take part in all the ways of being I dislike. I gossip and criticize, bitch and moan, whine and complain - yechh!
This new job would have meant more money, more responsiblity and more ability to influence the world around me. I want all these things. So, it was a mild surprise to discover that once I saw the carrot up close I would, in my own unconscious style, say no to it. I kept telling myself what a good opportunity it was, but I was never excited about the work. Some part of me was whispering that there is something more, some place to stand that has a completeness to it, that is a truer reflection of the Gayle that I am.
My Spirit said "no" long before my mind could wrap itself around the idea. I had to re-do the application 4 times before I realized that skipping parts and and leaving out vital information might be more than mere oversight. How did I get so far away from my dreams and desires? I'd been so far away that even a pallid facsimile of my deepest wishes seemed good enough.
There is a part of me that worries about what my Life will be like if I don't take the safe course. But, I'm having a feeling similar to the one I had when I left Wall St. There is something calling me that I cannot ignore, a path that I am compelled to walk.
It has already started and will continue with school - much as I cringe at the commitment of time, there's a PhD in my future. I'm going to try not to relocate, but in the end it will depend on which program accepts me. All this is scheduled for fall of 2008 - not very far away, by my vision, and there is so much to do between here and there.
I'll tell more as it unfolds, but there are wings I haven't used in a while and flying seems the only way forward.
Spring is a wonderful time, don't you think???
I had some mixed feelings about this; she's about 15 years younger and, while bright, will need a good deal of support to get the job done. I'll certainly rise to the occasion and help her adjust.
I learned a few things about myself as I walked through this experience. I didn't really want that job. I haven't really wanted a job with this outfit for as long as I've been here. Initially, it was because the loss of my business wounded me deeply, then it was the boss from hell whom I swear sat up nights thinking of dramatic ways she could torture me.
Lately, though, in this department I've been a part of for a year now, it hasn't been bad. I've had a chance to breathe, use my mind and be creative. I've been appreciated for my work and that has had a healing effect. I've learned a great deal about people and how they work/break apart/stir up mess/and generally act like fallible human beings. I've learned a great deal about myself and my susceptibility to go along with the emotional crowd. When I am operating in a weakened mode (fearful of the future and angry about the past) I forget myself and take part in all the ways of being I dislike. I gossip and criticize, bitch and moan, whine and complain - yechh!
This new job would have meant more money, more responsiblity and more ability to influence the world around me. I want all these things. So, it was a mild surprise to discover that once I saw the carrot up close I would, in my own unconscious style, say no to it. I kept telling myself what a good opportunity it was, but I was never excited about the work. Some part of me was whispering that there is something more, some place to stand that has a completeness to it, that is a truer reflection of the Gayle that I am.
My Spirit said "no" long before my mind could wrap itself around the idea. I had to re-do the application 4 times before I realized that skipping parts and and leaving out vital information might be more than mere oversight. How did I get so far away from my dreams and desires? I'd been so far away that even a pallid facsimile of my deepest wishes seemed good enough.
There is a part of me that worries about what my Life will be like if I don't take the safe course. But, I'm having a feeling similar to the one I had when I left Wall St. There is something calling me that I cannot ignore, a path that I am compelled to walk.
It has already started and will continue with school - much as I cringe at the commitment of time, there's a PhD in my future. I'm going to try not to relocate, but in the end it will depend on which program accepts me. All this is scheduled for fall of 2008 - not very far away, by my vision, and there is so much to do between here and there.
I'll tell more as it unfolds, but there are wings I haven't used in a while and flying seems the only way forward.
Spring is a wonderful time, don't you think???
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