Yesterday, in a conversation with Mom, I realized how stressed out she is. It seemed that she was taking the whole going to live with my brother in stride and actually looking forward to it. Now, I am not so sure and it concerns me, greatly.
The most difficult thing about all this is that I find it very hard to converse with Mom. She is usually angry with me or, at least appears to be. So, having a conversation about a big Life-changing event is fraught with misunderstanding, lack of clarity and defensiveness - and that's just on my end.
At almost 82, a big move could be very funky and I don't want to precipitate a downward spiral for her. The thing is, I have a need for change and growth. If you've read through my posts, you know that I've been writing about this for awhile. I think I am getting clearer on the what's, and the how's of this change I am making.
I've decided to go back to school, stay steady with the job, make eating and exercise changes and find a new living environment. It would be great to move into the city and be around a few more single people, closer to work, use public transportation (and get some unscheduled exercise), live near my daughter's school and friends - all that would be great. I'm tired of the suburban Life, I thought it would be perfect for the little one, but she's no longer little and it doesn't feed my Spirit.
I am, however, concerned about the cost to Mom.
I don't have any answers for this right now. I suppose it will take a few more difficult conversations and open-hearted prayer to work this out. I'm breathing, I'm breathing...
5 comments:
hey.this is aditi here.i hadnt been blogging for quite some time.for some reason,yesterday i thought of ben and tuesday's blog walk and stuff.so i decided to visit your space.
saw you'd moved.nice to see you though.
all the best.hope you find answers to everything.
love
Aditi
Keep breathing, sweetie; sometimes that's all you can do. Thinking of you.
IN and OUT...rest, smile, breathe again.
All my love. Enjoy your Spring Break making things good and new and clean.
I so empathize with you about your Mom. I wish I could say I thought that your mom would take a disruption of this sort in stride, but I greatly fear she won't. If she is showing any sign whatever of dementia or age-related timidity or change of personality, I think it might indeed be a spiral-inducing move. I know what it is to want to be the hell out of where you are; I always wish I could be one of those folks who can just say, "That's that," and drop all and sundry and let the chips fall where they will (which is usually directly atop everyone around them) and go do what I want. I'd be out of this career for a start. But if you are not like that, you aren't - is the city an either/or proposition? How much of the bennies could you get where you are? Is a lot of Mummy's anger fear of being uprooted? I'm thinking it might be. Anyway, I guess you can pray - folks who do that sort of thing at least have someone to blame for what they do. Doesn't seem to help much, and certainly doesn't make them nicer to be around, but they seem to like it. De gustibus non disputandum...
All you can do is show up, pay attention, do the very best you can, and (hardest of all) don't get attached to the results. Good luck,
J.
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