I Love that Dave Mathews song, don't you? But, the song itself is not today's writing topic, the title was simply illustrative of the dilema.
The question I have requires serious pondering on my part. It was raised by an old and very close friend who has declared that he is moving to Africa. He has always wanted to go and work there and now, at 50, pension and financial stability be damned, he's decided to go.
For my part, I cheered him on, 'follow your dreams and make them real'. That's my go-to line, isn't it? In fact, that's what I wrote on these 'pages' just a few days ago. Why then, I wonder, was there this sinking feeling during our conversation? As if I knew that this was a wrong turn.
The rational side of me knows that our lessons and our Lives are for us to discover - day by day. It doesn't matter where we are (or even who we are with) because through our experiences we face the eternal choices of defining ourselves (good and bad, Love and hate, power and weakness, kind and selfish, creative and destructive). Whether my friend stays in NYC or moves to Ghana he will only find himself.
I suspect that he is looking to find a better self there. Someone who can do more for others and be better appreciated for his service. Or maybe it really is just a yearning that he has suppressed for many years which must now be fulfilled. Still I have that sense of things being out of balance. Being who I am, I know that sense of being off-kilter means I have somehow made this about me.
Perhaps it's because for years I felt trapped by my Life. Having only meager means to exercise my wanderlust and needing to create roots for my baby girl, I put away much of my desire to change my scenery. I suppressed it until it came gurgling up as anger at my single parenthood and at Life in general. It took a while to make Peace with the circumstances of my Life, but I believe I have.
I've discovered how deeply rewarding it can be to be in one place for a long time and to give yourself over to another human being completely, as I have only done for my child. It has also gotten easier, as the years have passed, to include what I need into my Life. So, there's been a release valve for my frustration. As we come closer to her departure (and make no bones about it, she can't wait to get outta here) I see the choices for my Life making themselves known.
Will I remain here once my womanchild is fully a woman? Will I take up pottery, travel to the 4 continents I have yet to experience, fall in Love again, write that next book? I don't know. But, the questions don't haunt me as they once did. I am certain that Life will simply unfold, as it always does. I will make my choices and then I'll learn what I have set in motion for myself.
Having said all that, I am no closer to understanding my reaction to my friends pronouncement than I was when I started writing/thinking about it. Perhaps I have been a Mom too long and am simply projecting all the unspoken fears I have about my little one going out into the world onto my friend.
LOL. So absolutely simple and obvious!
It was probably clear to you from the beginning, so let me apologize for the preceding rambling. I am least transparent to myself.
Well my friends, I hope you will help me weather that particular storm when it does hit. When the time has come for me to think mostly about myself, to make most of my choices with only myself in mind, to send my child off into the wide world, to trust that she will be wonderful on her own.
I've still got a few years to go and I'm already fretting about it.
That may not be such a good sign. :o)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Dreams
Many will write about how far this country has come as we celebrate the Life of one of the country's greatest leaders while simultaneously preparing to swear in our 1st black president. So, I will leave the theorizing to them.
I just want to acknowledge the power inherent in this week. Power for a seemingly powerless people; power that proves that no one of us is ever truly powerless.
I still have so many hopes and dreams for this Life of mine and today I can admit to that openly, freely. Today I can feel the power of dreams made real. Not wishes, which require little more than thought and luck. But dreams, those fields of energy that come from the soul, require work and sacrifice and a bit of luck, too. I must admit that I have confused the two in my lifetime and paid the price for my confusion.
Today though, dreams feel like an option. There is power surrounding us; it's in the charged air, the open hearts and the grateful souls that line the Mall in Washington, that sit in classrooms and in bars, that sing in choirs and with guitars in coffee houses; it's in the poetry that will be dedicated to this moment in time, to our moment in time.
Use that power while it is here, let it move through your Life. Get to work on your dreams. Right now.
I just want to acknowledge the power inherent in this week. Power for a seemingly powerless people; power that proves that no one of us is ever truly powerless.
I still have so many hopes and dreams for this Life of mine and today I can admit to that openly, freely. Today I can feel the power of dreams made real. Not wishes, which require little more than thought and luck. But dreams, those fields of energy that come from the soul, require work and sacrifice and a bit of luck, too. I must admit that I have confused the two in my lifetime and paid the price for my confusion.
Today though, dreams feel like an option. There is power surrounding us; it's in the charged air, the open hearts and the grateful souls that line the Mall in Washington, that sit in classrooms and in bars, that sing in choirs and with guitars in coffee houses; it's in the poetry that will be dedicated to this moment in time, to our moment in time.
Use that power while it is here, let it move through your Life. Get to work on your dreams. Right now.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Words Make It Worthwhile
Actions do speak louder than words and there have been times in my Life when I have had to learn that lesson (mostly where the combination of men and Love were concerned). But, I have come to understand that each has its own power.
Take our incoming and outgoing Presidents, for example. George W. could, through the power of his spoken words and presence convey the image of an everyday man. Something he surely is not (and I don't say that maliciously, it is a simple fact), but he made many believe it. Our incoming President can, through the use of his words, move masses of people in such a way that he makes them feel as if they are powerful and can create the world for which they are longing.
Words have power.
I was deeply impacted yesterday by a set of words that I will share here. But, first you should know that yesterday was stressful at work. It was filled with deadlines and reports and people who did not know how to do their jobs. They had questions and the need to know things that were in their area of expertise, not mine. I would be lying if I didn't say that it occurred to me, at least once yesterday, that I should have gotten that promotion. But, it was just a moment, and I allow myself to have my moments without judgment.
Most of what I did yesterday was give my honest opinion and my best thinking. It's what I do everyday. Okay, most days. I admit to the occasional day of blanking out, running on autopilot, or, when I'm hormonal, fantasizing about outrageously good sex with an outrageously good lover. Honestly though, those days don't happen that often.
So, yesterday was a fairly typical day. I had to push back my Friday night recreation a bit because a report submission had been fouled up but, it wasn't the first time I've had to do that. I canceled drinks at 5:00pm and rearranged the movie and dinner and made it dinner and a movie (I saw Last Chance for Harvey which was a wonderful movie about - well, about all sorts of internal and emotional things - too many things to elaborate on now but I do recommend it as a good date movie for the over 50 crowd).
When I got home at about midnight, I checked my email and this is what I found waiting for me:
Having experienced the disappointment of being passed over for that promotion makes this note even sweeter for me. And, the person who wrote it knew nothing about the job attempt or, at least I don't believe she did.
So, that's it. I just wanted to share my experience of appreciation with you. To thank you for reading it and to wish you a bounty of appreciation in your Life and in your work - to give and to receive.
Take our incoming and outgoing Presidents, for example. George W. could, through the power of his spoken words and presence convey the image of an everyday man. Something he surely is not (and I don't say that maliciously, it is a simple fact), but he made many believe it. Our incoming President can, through the use of his words, move masses of people in such a way that he makes them feel as if they are powerful and can create the world for which they are longing.
Words have power.
I was deeply impacted yesterday by a set of words that I will share here. But, first you should know that yesterday was stressful at work. It was filled with deadlines and reports and people who did not know how to do their jobs. They had questions and the need to know things that were in their area of expertise, not mine. I would be lying if I didn't say that it occurred to me, at least once yesterday, that I should have gotten that promotion. But, it was just a moment, and I allow myself to have my moments without judgment.
Most of what I did yesterday was give my honest opinion and my best thinking. It's what I do everyday. Okay, most days. I admit to the occasional day of blanking out, running on autopilot, or, when I'm hormonal, fantasizing about outrageously good sex with an outrageously good lover. Honestly though, those days don't happen that often.
So, yesterday was a fairly typical day. I had to push back my Friday night recreation a bit because a report submission had been fouled up but, it wasn't the first time I've had to do that. I canceled drinks at 5:00pm and rearranged the movie and dinner and made it dinner and a movie (I saw Last Chance for Harvey which was a wonderful movie about - well, about all sorts of internal and emotional things - too many things to elaborate on now but I do recommend it as a good date movie for the over 50 crowd).
When I got home at about midnight, I checked my email and this is what I found waiting for me:
Reading it over still brings tears to my eyes. I don't get much acknowledgment that my caring and cheerleading make a difference. I know it does because I witness the difference - the smile that appears where there wasn't one before, the learning product that is finally ready to be launched or the grant funds that make a program a reality. But, aside from the perfunctory pat on the back (which often go to whomever my boss is at the time) my organization, like many does not make thank you a habit. If only they understood that this is the way to keep people engaged and working hard.Gayle,
I couldn’t dare leave tonight without taking a moment to let you know just how much I appreciate your unwavering support of all the many things I try to do for the organization. You have truly been an inspiration and a joy to behold as a co-worker and most of all, a friend. You didn’t give up today even when you could have. I can’t begin to tell you what it meant to me to know you have been with me through thick and thin. You listened to a dream and turned it into reality. You went far beyond the boundary to make a difference…..the difference so many people talk about but can’t seem to find the energy to make it happen. Thank you is so small but all I have right now in lieu of a big hug and a whispered prayer for your continued success and happiness, health and prosperity for years to come. I know you know this project was at the center of my heart, yet there were so many other tasks that simply soaked up my time. There were a lot of lessons learned for me…too many tonight to talk about. The only one that really matters is that whatever the outcome, always remember I appreciate your absolute best that you devoted to this project from start to finish. Every time you see an AED, know it is there because you made it possible. Thanks again and have a great weekend!
Having experienced the disappointment of being passed over for that promotion makes this note even sweeter for me. And, the person who wrote it knew nothing about the job attempt or, at least I don't believe she did.
So, that's it. I just wanted to share my experience of appreciation with you. To thank you for reading it and to wish you a bounty of appreciation in your Life and in your work - to give and to receive.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday Morning Coffee
Sunday morning coffee has to be one of the best of Life's gifts. I once would have coupled that with the NY Times and later a walk through Central Park but, having recently experienced 14 degrees, snow, ice, and winds of 18 mi. an hour on a Sunday in NYC, I'll just stick with the coffee.
I'm thinking of all of the little things I have that make my Life better this morning because the troubles of a good friend have reminded me that I have much. She has been suffering more and more of late; diagnosed as mildly bi-polar, menopausal and with issues in her pituitary gland. My friend is in a constant battle with her mind and body and there is nothing I can do to help except listen and be there.
As I mature, I realize more and more how necessary these two things are. We all need someone to be fully present for us, to hold our needs, in any given moment, as important. We need to have someone that we can connect to beyond pleasantries and family matters; someone we can trust enough to share the things that frighten, overwhelm and buckle our knees. Someone who will listen and be there.
It makes me wonder a bit about this self-sufficient Life I have constructed. Partially out of need and partially due to fear of disappointment/betrayal (family legacy, I suppose) I have created a do-it-yourself way of being. I have learned to ask for help here or there but, I am far more comfortable giving than receiving. And, that's okay I think, as long as I'm giving to me too.
Watching and listening to my friend I realize how little we give to ourselves. So much time and energy is spent making sure the children, spouses (in her case) and parents (in my case) have what they need that there doesn't seem to be enough time to do more than have a glass or two of wine, a few pages of a book or a couple of hours of tv. That's not nearly enough.
We are left to pay the price of our neglect; deteriorating health, diminished capacity for joy, lack of learning, stretching and growing. The biggest difference between my male and female friends is that the majority of the guys take classes or have hobbies of some kind - martial arts, guitar, cars, airplanes, photography, tennis, etc. My female friends (unless their children are grown and they are not co-parenting grands) do none of that. They don't have the time.
Why is that? The answers are complex and include social and economic as well as individual realities. But the question deserves to be considered.
No matter whether you are male or female, take a little time to reflect on your Life. If you are missing a key ingredient make it your top priority to include time for what you need and want. The price for neglect is far too high.
Live high, live mighty, live righteously and remember to take it easy...
I'm thinking of all of the little things I have that make my Life better this morning because the troubles of a good friend have reminded me that I have much. She has been suffering more and more of late; diagnosed as mildly bi-polar, menopausal and with issues in her pituitary gland. My friend is in a constant battle with her mind and body and there is nothing I can do to help except listen and be there.
As I mature, I realize more and more how necessary these two things are. We all need someone to be fully present for us, to hold our needs, in any given moment, as important. We need to have someone that we can connect to beyond pleasantries and family matters; someone we can trust enough to share the things that frighten, overwhelm and buckle our knees. Someone who will listen and be there.
It makes me wonder a bit about this self-sufficient Life I have constructed. Partially out of need and partially due to fear of disappointment/betrayal (family legacy, I suppose) I have created a do-it-yourself way of being. I have learned to ask for help here or there but, I am far more comfortable giving than receiving. And, that's okay I think, as long as I'm giving to me too.
Watching and listening to my friend I realize how little we give to ourselves. So much time and energy is spent making sure the children, spouses (in her case) and parents (in my case) have what they need that there doesn't seem to be enough time to do more than have a glass or two of wine, a few pages of a book or a couple of hours of tv. That's not nearly enough.
We are left to pay the price of our neglect; deteriorating health, diminished capacity for joy, lack of learning, stretching and growing. The biggest difference between my male and female friends is that the majority of the guys take classes or have hobbies of some kind - martial arts, guitar, cars, airplanes, photography, tennis, etc. My female friends (unless their children are grown and they are not co-parenting grands) do none of that. They don't have the time.
Why is that? The answers are complex and include social and economic as well as individual realities. But the question deserves to be considered.
No matter whether you are male or female, take a little time to reflect on your Life. If you are missing a key ingredient make it your top priority to include time for what you need and want. The price for neglect is far too high.
Live high, live mighty, live righteously and remember to take it easy...
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
What's New Pussycat?
If you've been here recently you know that I've been interviewing and working my brown butt off for a sweet promotion. It didn't happen.
My boss made no mention of it after our return from Winter Break, which was a big tip off. He finally let loose the disappointing news today. And I, though having forsworn my thinking habits of 2008 and earlier, fell right back into a sense of inadequacy. But, my friends, I didn't stay there very long. I am happy to report that within a few hours I had regained my balance without becoming angry or frustrated. And that really is an accomplishment.
What I am feeling is, oddly enough, trusting. Calm and sense of well-being have been creeping into my Life lately and there they were when I was really in need. You may scoff at meditation, faith and open-hearted prayer if you wish but I believe these have made all the difference for me.
So, as has happened before, it seems this crazy Life has in store for me some thing other than my well-made plan. And, lest you think this a bad thing, it is this chaotic wind that brought to me my beautiful daughter, my current home and this strange yet compelling workplace.
Tonight I'm going to get a good sleep and wake up early tomorrow for a long, sweaty workout. After that, I'll start to weave a new plan. If Life can be judged by the quality of our internal world as much as our external one than mine is improving and that makes me feel very, very good.
As for the promotion, well, you know what they say - it ain't over 'til it's over. Wish me luck and keep sending that good Love energy!
My boss made no mention of it after our return from Winter Break, which was a big tip off. He finally let loose the disappointing news today. And I, though having forsworn my thinking habits of 2008 and earlier, fell right back into a sense of inadequacy. But, my friends, I didn't stay there very long. I am happy to report that within a few hours I had regained my balance without becoming angry or frustrated. And that really is an accomplishment.
What I am feeling is, oddly enough, trusting. Calm and sense of well-being have been creeping into my Life lately and there they were when I was really in need. You may scoff at meditation, faith and open-hearted prayer if you wish but I believe these have made all the difference for me.
So, as has happened before, it seems this crazy Life has in store for me some thing other than my well-made plan. And, lest you think this a bad thing, it is this chaotic wind that brought to me my beautiful daughter, my current home and this strange yet compelling workplace.
Tonight I'm going to get a good sleep and wake up early tomorrow for a long, sweaty workout. After that, I'll start to weave a new plan. If Life can be judged by the quality of our internal world as much as our external one than mine is improving and that makes me feel very, very good.
As for the promotion, well, you know what they say - it ain't over 'til it's over. Wish me luck and keep sending that good Love energy!
Sunday, January 04, 2009
The Year of Thinking Differently
First, Happy New Year. May 2009 be your best year ever.
Now, for a little of what I've been thinking...
I decided not to make a list of my desires this year. I have desires, of course, but this year it seemed that making a 2009 list of resolutions and wants was just more of the same. You see, some things on my "would be - should be" list have been there for a long time and, while I am perseverant, I am also practical. Something's gotta give and I think it might be me!
If it's true that the wise do not put new wine in old skins then, perhaps a change of skin is in order. I mean, how can I Live the Life I desire, living the way I do?
I do believe that your thoughts ultimately create the Life you lead; that each decision, each action is preceded by thoughts which substantiate it, making those decisions and actions seem reasonable. The sum of our actions (barring unforeseen external events) lead us along the path that creates our Lives. So, more of the same thinking won't lead me to my desires, won't create the path I want to walk.
This is the year of changing perspective of thinking in new ways , of asking "What if I do it differently?". Now, I'm not talking about quitting my job or selling my home. I'm not interested in running away from the externals in my Life. I am interested in changing the thoughts that create the seemingly small, everyday choices that I make. I'm thinking about shifting my inner core; of confronting those thoughts that are based upon fear and disappointment and the neglect I've experienced. Those thoughts that would have me play it down, play it safe or not play at all, that explain to me why I am not quite good enough.
So, my commitment for this year is to change my mind; to clear it daily through breath and meditation and to allow myself to experience the world and my Life in it with fresh eyes.
This is the year of thinking differently.
Now, for a little of what I've been thinking...
I decided not to make a list of my desires this year. I have desires, of course, but this year it seemed that making a 2009 list of resolutions and wants was just more of the same. You see, some things on my "would be - should be" list have been there for a long time and, while I am perseverant, I am also practical. Something's gotta give and I think it might be me!
If it's true that the wise do not put new wine in old skins then, perhaps a change of skin is in order. I mean, how can I Live the Life I desire, living the way I do?
I do believe that your thoughts ultimately create the Life you lead; that each decision, each action is preceded by thoughts which substantiate it, making those decisions and actions seem reasonable. The sum of our actions (barring unforeseen external events) lead us along the path that creates our Lives. So, more of the same thinking won't lead me to my desires, won't create the path I want to walk.
This is the year of changing perspective of thinking in new ways , of asking "What if I do it differently?". Now, I'm not talking about quitting my job or selling my home. I'm not interested in running away from the externals in my Life. I am interested in changing the thoughts that create the seemingly small, everyday choices that I make. I'm thinking about shifting my inner core; of confronting those thoughts that are based upon fear and disappointment and the neglect I've experienced. Those thoughts that would have me play it down, play it safe or not play at all, that explain to me why I am not quite good enough.
So, my commitment for this year is to change my mind; to clear it daily through breath and meditation and to allow myself to experience the world and my Life in it with fresh eyes.
This is the year of thinking differently.
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