When No Means No

David was certainly right in one respect - according to several folks on the interview panel, every applicant checked the requisite boxes and only one had the related experience. That one will be my new team lead.

I had some mixed feelings about this; she's about 15 years younger and, while bright, will need a good deal of support to get the job done. I'll certainly rise to the occasion and help her adjust.

I learned a few things about myself as I walked through this experience. I didn't really want that job. I haven't really wanted a job with this outfit for as long as I've been here. Initially, it was because the loss of my business wounded me deeply, then it was the boss from hell whom I swear sat up nights thinking of dramatic ways she could torture me.

Lately, though, in this department I've been a part of for a year now, it hasn't been bad. I've had a chance to breathe, use my mind and be creative. I've been appreciated for my work and that has had a healing effect. I've learned a great deal about people and how they work/break apart/stir up mess/and generally act like fallible human beings. I've learned a great deal about myself and my susceptibility to go along with the emotional crowd. When I am operating in a weakened mode (fearful of the future and angry about the past) I forget myself and take part in all the ways of being I dislike. I gossip and criticize, bitch and moan, whine and complain - yechh!

This new job would have meant more money, more responsiblity and more ability to influence the world around me. I want all these things. So, it was a mild surprise to discover that once I saw the carrot up close I would, in my own unconscious style, say no to it. I kept telling myself what a good opportunity it was, but I was never excited about the work. Some part of me was whispering that there is something more, some place to stand that has a completeness to it, that is a truer reflection of the Gayle that I am.

My Spirit said "no" long before my mind could wrap itself around the idea. I had to re-do the application 4 times before I realized that skipping parts and and leaving out vital information might be more than mere oversight. How did I get so far away from my dreams and desires? I'd been so far away that even a pallid facsimile of my deepest wishes seemed good enough.

There is a part of me that worries about what my Life will be like if I don't take the safe course. But, I'm having a feeling similar to the one I had when I left Wall St. There is something calling me that I cannot ignore, a path that I am compelled to walk.

It has already started and will continue with school - much as I cringe at the commitment of time, there's a PhD in my future. I'm going to try not to relocate, but in the end it will depend on which program accepts me. All this is scheduled for fall of 2008 - not very far away, by my vision, and there is so much to do between here and there.

I'll tell more as it unfolds, but there are wings I haven't used in a while and flying seems the only way forward.

Spring is a wonderful time, don't you think???