Choosing Joy

It's official; after much thought, prayer and opening of my heart, it's decided. we (Mom, my baby girl and I) will all stay put. For the past few years I have felt imprisoned. Stuck and held back by circumstance and those I Love.

For a brief moment it seemed as if I had figured it all out. Back to school, moving, complete new lifestyle and all would be well. But, as I have always known, the truest changes happen from the inside out.

The first half of my adulthood found me moving every 3-4 years. I enjoyed a change of venue, it gave me a sense of adventure and progress. It helped to be single with my whole life seemingly ahead of me. And I've been wanting to recapture that sense of myself; to feel as if the possibilities are endless.

What I have discovered, is that there are endless possibilities and some of them are not as good as others. After years of making every decision in the best interest of my child, I wanted to get back to thinking more and more of myself; to be free of the constraints of making Life good for others. Now, that idea seems steeped in a very narrow vision of possibilities.

If you have been reading with some consistency, you may remember that I have been practicing focusing my attention on the now. It is that focus that has changed me. Much of my desire to change everything came from my discomfort with what is - my current Life. Confronting that notion, by considering the damage that might be done to Mom by my picking up and changing everything, has made me realize that everything can be changed from anywhere.

What needs changing in my Life are things that a new home or city cannot make happen, though it . They are the slow, process changes that require commitment. I have often had trouble keeping the commitments I make to myself. But, in the end, that is all that is required - to do those things that I know will change my Life in good ways.

Like walking up a steep and endless hill, progress seems inconsequential. But turning to look behind me, I can see the ground I have covered and it renews me. Stopping to feel the sun on my face, the soft breeze and the beauty that surrounds me daily, renews me further. I am exercising, making home improvements, paying off debt and improving my financial condition, flirting for fun, volunteering and smiling, now, in this present moment because my Life is good. Loving and caring for others eliminates some possibilities and creates others.

So, I won't reach after the sexy loft condo or send my Mom off to live in another state. I'm here and I choose to feel Joy - to Live out the possibility of happiness regardless of the external circumstances. It feels really good, surprisingly so.

May all your days be filled with joy.