I've had the pleasure of finding good and true friends throughout my Life. They show up when I am in joy and in pain and share the best and the worst of those states with me. I have friends who have stuck with me since I was 14 years old and friends I have known for only a few years. Each in their way helps my heart know the meaning of grace.
I just giggled with my oldest friend across telephone wires about how much my teenager reminds me of her - the lines of her body and how she carries herself show up in my child. It's a little unnerving, especially since they only see each other once every few years. But there is my friend, winking at me from behind my daughter's eyes.
I shared a laugh this morning with another old friend of more than 20 years via this electronic highway. Chatting online we shared our thoughts, our fears, commitments to ourselves and our observations of how things change and yet remain constant in our lives. We fretted and smiled at how our early childhood stories continue to write our present and how we are learning to enjoy our lives in spite of and because of those things we have experienced, seen and been unable to forget.
But, this blog entry is really inspired by a new friend, an online buddy who regularly leaves comments and sends emails and has become a part of my world over the past few years. Today she is being courageous and leaving a relationship that has become hurtful and scary for her and her 5 children. Takes guts - monster guts.
We spoke yesterday and she is frightened of not being able to support the kids on her own, or keep him from getting too crazy over the break up. She's worried about her own health which she has struggled with for a while now.
I don't know if my words soothed, helped or made a difference in her world. That's the tricky part about new friendships, you give but it's hard to be sure if your gift was the one that was needed. I hope she got what she needed from me and I hope I can give even more.
Do you have a friend in need of you today? Or, maybe you're the one who needs a hand. Either way, reach out. Friendship is one of Life's noblest gifts. Experience your gifts to the fullest!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Goddess Love
Old as the ages
the goddess smiles
and the world turns.
She is soft and strong;
earth and fire
brown and violet.
Words flutter around her shoulders;
she loves their velvet feel on her bare skin
as they fall,
with neither sound
nor substance,
to her feet.
Words paint pictures
that deeds prove or disprove;
that time exposes as lie or truth.
She enjoys the tender feel of his words
but knows the greater value
of her trust.
The goddess smiles
the world turns
"Show me"
she whispers,
"that Love is a verb".
the goddess smiles
and the world turns.
She is soft and strong;
earth and fire
brown and violet.
Words flutter around her shoulders;
she loves their velvet feel on her bare skin
as they fall,
with neither sound
nor substance,
to her feet.
Words paint pictures
that deeds prove or disprove;
that time exposes as lie or truth.
She enjoys the tender feel of his words
but knows the greater value
of her trust.
The goddess smiles
the world turns
"Show me"
she whispers,
"that Love is a verb".
Monday, May 19, 2008
Personals
a kernel
the idea
a nudge
a mild and very pleasing current
across my frontal lobes
stirring impulse
the idea
of you
as poetry
Commentary:
A few days ago I came across a personal ad (a random wandering) with an interesting poetic request. In lovely form the gentleman asked to correspond via poetry. Here is what I sent. I share it because it is the first time I have written on demand and unmotivated by a need to express a strong feeling. I like the way it turned out. Honestly, what do you think?
Commentary:
A few days ago I came across a personal ad (a random wandering) with an interesting poetic request. In lovely form the gentleman asked to correspond via poetry. Here is what I sent. I share it because it is the first time I have written on demand and unmotivated by a need to express a strong feeling. I like the way it turned out. Honestly, what do you think?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Another Year Closes, A New Year Begins
While most people celebrate year end in December, there are lots of old and new year goings on in my family around this time. It's the teenager's birthday and the end of the school year, which are major events for me. This year it is also the end of middle school and the doorway to high school.
This week, the teen was off for 3 days on a school field trip, so I've had some much needed alone time. Ahhhh...sweet to think only of myself for a change. I read a good bit and hung out with friends both nights. Other than that, I did nothing productive; I didn't even feel the requisite guilt regarding my slovenly ways. I had planned to get in a little extra cleaning, wash my hair and exercise like a mad woman. Instead, I reveled in walking around half naked (with a glass of wine in my hand) and slept stretched out across my king sized bed (in fact, last night I fell asleep on one side of it and woke up on the other!) I rarely get to do that since I am usually joined by a bed usurper around 2:00 or 3:00 am. Bad dreams, middle of the night toilet visits, any excuse will do.
She's back but, she's exhausted, so maybe I'll get the mattress to myself (and avoid the backhands to the head and karate kicks to the thighs) for one more night.
I know I'll miss all that in four years when I am likely to be sleeping on my own and the rhythm is changed permanently. The whole empty nest thing. But that is a future state and the present has me too often cramped, hanging off the edge of a huge bed and pushing her over to "her side" (how'd she get a side anyway???). Well that's what I get for not having a man around.
Tomorrow's the big birthday party. We're heading to the university pool and celebrating with a friend of hers who also has an end-of-May birthday. They always have competing parties so this year, in the spirit of friendship and inclusion, the girls decided to have one party and invite their very different circle of friends.
The birthday girls come from different neighborhoods, races, religions, economic status and popularity scales. I'm hoping this turns out as well as they both envision it (sort of like my hopes for Barack Obama).
Neither of the girls are cliquish but, I don't know if their friends are as accepting of their differences as they are. My daughter and her friend decided they liked each other in the 6th grade and have remained true to that although, their friends have never really mixed. We'll see - I'm rooting for a successful blowout full of fun, frolic and poolside joy!!!
Work will get a bit crazy because it's our busy season, with test scores coming into the schools and AYP (the federal government's answer to the issues facing public education - do more with less) to live through. No small feats here; only herculean efforts are appreciated. Well, not exactly appreciated, more like expected.
So, that's it for me. I've been working on a few other poems (I'm hoping you'll like them) and will post them some time this summer. But, it's likely that June will be too busy for regular blogs - at least not every week. I'll make sure to upload a few graduation pics and some of the 8th grade dance, next week.
Here's a pic of the big night...
Love to you all!
This week, the teen was off for 3 days on a school field trip, so I've had some much needed alone time. Ahhhh...sweet to think only of myself for a change. I read a good bit and hung out with friends both nights. Other than that, I did nothing productive; I didn't even feel the requisite guilt regarding my slovenly ways. I had planned to get in a little extra cleaning, wash my hair and exercise like a mad woman. Instead, I reveled in walking around half naked (with a glass of wine in my hand) and slept stretched out across my king sized bed (in fact, last night I fell asleep on one side of it and woke up on the other!) I rarely get to do that since I am usually joined by a bed usurper around 2:00 or 3:00 am. Bad dreams, middle of the night toilet visits, any excuse will do.
She's back but, she's exhausted, so maybe I'll get the mattress to myself (and avoid the backhands to the head and karate kicks to the thighs) for one more night.
I know I'll miss all that in four years when I am likely to be sleeping on my own and the rhythm is changed permanently. The whole empty nest thing. But that is a future state and the present has me too often cramped, hanging off the edge of a huge bed and pushing her over to "her side" (how'd she get a side anyway???). Well that's what I get for not having a man around.
Tomorrow's the big birthday party. We're heading to the university pool and celebrating with a friend of hers who also has an end-of-May birthday. They always have competing parties so this year, in the spirit of friendship and inclusion, the girls decided to have one party and invite their very different circle of friends.
The birthday girls come from different neighborhoods, races, religions, economic status and popularity scales. I'm hoping this turns out as well as they both envision it (sort of like my hopes for Barack Obama).
Neither of the girls are cliquish but, I don't know if their friends are as accepting of their differences as they are. My daughter and her friend decided they liked each other in the 6th grade and have remained true to that although, their friends have never really mixed. We'll see - I'm rooting for a successful blowout full of fun, frolic and poolside joy!!!
Work will get a bit crazy because it's our busy season, with test scores coming into the schools and AYP (the federal government's answer to the issues facing public education - do more with less) to live through. No small feats here; only herculean efforts are appreciated. Well, not exactly appreciated, more like expected.
So, that's it for me. I've been working on a few other poems (I'm hoping you'll like them) and will post them some time this summer. But, it's likely that June will be too busy for regular blogs - at least not every week. I'll make sure to upload a few graduation pics and some of the 8th grade dance, next week.
Here's a pic of the big night...
Love to you all!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Transitions
that once roamed my full and lush figure
and I must admit to missing the signs of appreciation that,
years ago,
I held in disdain.
Now, don’t get me wrong,
I still receive a smile, a wink and a nod
on the rare occasion when,
feeling like a diva
I put on the red dress,
show a little cleavage and
let my hips swing a bit freer when I walk.
But, on those days,
my moon never fails to ask
“Mom, is that what you’re wearing today?”
As if she is, by common law
and the rights of adolescence,
the only one of us allowed
to swim in the pleasure of desire given
and desire received.
I laugh at her question (most of the time)
bob my head in the affirmative
and summon up my determination to Be beauty.
Though I wonder why it gets so much harder
to know that I-got-it-goin’-on feeling
with each year that passes.
Or, when it was that I began to doubt
the power of my womanly body
which,
though larger
and marked with many more curves
still radiates warmth,
still opens to enjoy a soft embrace,
with a moist and enveloping passion.
Strange and constricting
the way the world defines me
as it passes by
without the slightest notion
of the depths of my mind, my heart or my pleasures.
Casting an eye only at the surface;
as if
what you see
really is
what you get.
Mature, aged, older, one foot
on the banana peel, ripe, antique,
durable, seasoned;
call me what you will -
and in the seeing to be known
and in the knowing to be Loved.
though far less than I will become.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Energy
I feel as if the energy that moves through my Life has taken on a different vibration. There is a greater sense of joy than I had been feeling in the past. I think it has been building steadily for about a year and a half.
I made the decision, about two and a half years ago, to give up being disappointed. At the time, I was tired of being let down by everyone and just about everything. When I was younger (my teens through my 30's) I was considered the eternal optimist. Though some of that lingered, the circumstances of Life seemed to weigh me down and it was as if much of my optimism, joy and anticipation of the next good thing had sort of leaked out of my Life.
I found that all I could count on was not having enough of most things except stress, anxiety and fear. I was being swallowed up. I went to see a therapist who told me that I had every reason to feel as I did. My Life was a bit out of my control - tax issues, huge reduction in income, single parenting, an aging parent to care for, and a boss who actively worked to make my Life as miserable as possible.
The therapist wanted to do reflective exercises that would help me clarify where I was and would likely get me moving forward. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the $20/week and stopped going after 2 months. But, it helped to know that my Life was not the sum total of my own mistakes, that there were other forces (some created by my choices and some a result of external insanity) that impacted me.
I started to try to sort out what was my responsibility, what could I fix and what should I simply give up. It was around my 49th birthday that I flipped the switch and began to try to regain my optimism. I found it was easy when communicating with or supporting others - like writing in my blog or helping a couple of co-workers move through a disagreement. But, my inner Life was still plagued with the fear that the "best" had already happened (and b-t-w, it wasn't all that great) and now, I was living the "rest".
The New Agers used to say "Change your mind and your Life will follow" and I believe that's true. So, I changed my mind about disappointment. What if Life was not a disappointment? What if being single was fine? If not having enough financial resources was temporary and provided much needed skill in budgeting, saving and reeling in the spending? What if my Life could be absolutely joyful, just as it is, simply because it is my Life? What if I focused on the people and circumstances in my Life that were good, honest, beautiful, expansive, caring, trusting and trustworthy? What if I could regain my trust in Life and in myself?
Little by little the world around me seemed to comply with my shift in perspective. I changed my role and department at work and gained relative peace and a sense that my contributions are valued, to some extent. I traded in the need for a man and began to fully appreciate the Love of friends and family. For my body, which I stopped hating and warring with, I began more routine exercise, small changes in diet; for my mind, less absorption of the negativity that pops up on a minute by minute basis in others and more frequently remembering to let go of the negativity that pops up in me. I think all these things have combined to cause me to smile more and to laugh with greater ease.
And now I look at the good stuff that's been happening - more learning at work, a great trip (and I still haven't lost the feeling of it), an old friend reaching out to find me, a child that remains on a steady upward climb, a mom who is still energetic and lucid, a comfortable place to live, the possibility of a new career in a few years and the possibility of greater freedom when the teenager goes out into the world of the university - each of these just reinforces my joy and, I think, helps create a snowball effect of that energy. I am optimistic again and, at last, feel grounded.
Well, whether I've really explained anything or not I can't say. But, it's wonderful to be able to state, in the words of the late, great James Brown -
I feel good, dun na nunna nunna na, like I knew that I would!
May the energy continue to vibrate in all the best ways in my Life and in yours... Later Gators...
I made the decision, about two and a half years ago, to give up being disappointed. At the time, I was tired of being let down by everyone and just about everything. When I was younger (my teens through my 30's) I was considered the eternal optimist. Though some of that lingered, the circumstances of Life seemed to weigh me down and it was as if much of my optimism, joy and anticipation of the next good thing had sort of leaked out of my Life.
I found that all I could count on was not having enough of most things except stress, anxiety and fear. I was being swallowed up. I went to see a therapist who told me that I had every reason to feel as I did. My Life was a bit out of my control - tax issues, huge reduction in income, single parenting, an aging parent to care for, and a boss who actively worked to make my Life as miserable as possible.
The therapist wanted to do reflective exercises that would help me clarify where I was and would likely get me moving forward. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the $20/week and stopped going after 2 months. But, it helped to know that my Life was not the sum total of my own mistakes, that there were other forces (some created by my choices and some a result of external insanity) that impacted me.
I started to try to sort out what was my responsibility, what could I fix and what should I simply give up. It was around my 49th birthday that I flipped the switch and began to try to regain my optimism. I found it was easy when communicating with or supporting others - like writing in my blog or helping a couple of co-workers move through a disagreement. But, my inner Life was still plagued with the fear that the "best" had already happened (and b-t-w, it wasn't all that great) and now, I was living the "rest".
The New Agers used to say "Change your mind and your Life will follow" and I believe that's true. So, I changed my mind about disappointment. What if Life was not a disappointment? What if being single was fine? If not having enough financial resources was temporary and provided much needed skill in budgeting, saving and reeling in the spending? What if my Life could be absolutely joyful, just as it is, simply because it is my Life? What if I focused on the people and circumstances in my Life that were good, honest, beautiful, expansive, caring, trusting and trustworthy? What if I could regain my trust in Life and in myself?
Little by little the world around me seemed to comply with my shift in perspective. I changed my role and department at work and gained relative peace and a sense that my contributions are valued, to some extent. I traded in the need for a man and began to fully appreciate the Love of friends and family. For my body, which I stopped hating and warring with, I began more routine exercise, small changes in diet; for my mind, less absorption of the negativity that pops up on a minute by minute basis in others and more frequently remembering to let go of the negativity that pops up in me. I think all these things have combined to cause me to smile more and to laugh with greater ease.
And now I look at the good stuff that's been happening - more learning at work, a great trip (and I still haven't lost the feeling of it), an old friend reaching out to find me, a child that remains on a steady upward climb, a mom who is still energetic and lucid, a comfortable place to live, the possibility of a new career in a few years and the possibility of greater freedom when the teenager goes out into the world of the university - each of these just reinforces my joy and, I think, helps create a snowball effect of that energy. I am optimistic again and, at last, feel grounded.
Well, whether I've really explained anything or not I can't say. But, it's wonderful to be able to state, in the words of the late, great James Brown -
I feel good, dun na nunna nunna na, like I knew that I would!
May the energy continue to vibrate in all the best ways in my Life and in yours... Later Gators...
Thursday, May 01, 2008
How Sweet It Is
A very sweet thing happened to me this week. I received an email from a high school friend that I haven't spoken to in probably 20 years. If you've ever had a moment of pure joy then you know what I was feeling.
Herbie was my brother, the guy that I could count on to tell me the truth, to tease me mercilessly and to have my back in times of trouble. Each day, we rode the NYC subway together with our new found sense of teenage freedom. We were two of a handful of black students in an elite public school (best in the US - sorry Stuyvesant - we held the title) and we navigated the culture, the Bronx and the demands of our teachers together.
By the time I was in my 20's, I realized that Herbie was a handsome, intelligent and compassionate man and suddenly had a crush on him. As it turns out, we really were meant to be friends and I don't think either of us was disappointed by that truth.
Time marched, as it has a habit of doing, and each of us married. Mine lasted about 5 minutes but, Herbie being Herbie, hung in for a long time.
Yesterday, I got to hear his voice and it was yet another gift from Spirit. He is happily re-married, both his parents are still walking the planet, has started a new career and can still make me laugh and smile. I'm beginning to remember what a lucky girl I truly am!
Which of us can know from whence our joy will come? That it showed up in the form of an old and dear friend causes gratitude to well from the deepest part of me.
Hope your days are filled with wonder, awe and a whole lotta joy as well.
Herbie was my brother, the guy that I could count on to tell me the truth, to tease me mercilessly and to have my back in times of trouble. Each day, we rode the NYC subway together with our new found sense of teenage freedom. We were two of a handful of black students in an elite public school (best in the US - sorry Stuyvesant - we held the title) and we navigated the culture, the Bronx and the demands of our teachers together.
By the time I was in my 20's, I realized that Herbie was a handsome, intelligent and compassionate man and suddenly had a crush on him. As it turns out, we really were meant to be friends and I don't think either of us was disappointed by that truth.
Time marched, as it has a habit of doing, and each of us married. Mine lasted about 5 minutes but, Herbie being Herbie, hung in for a long time.
Yesterday, I got to hear his voice and it was yet another gift from Spirit. He is happily re-married, both his parents are still walking the planet, has started a new career and can still make me laugh and smile. I'm beginning to remember what a lucky girl I truly am!
Which of us can know from whence our joy will come? That it showed up in the form of an old and dear friend causes gratitude to well from the deepest part of me.
Hope your days are filled with wonder, awe and a whole lotta joy as well.
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