No Angst, No Gory

Life is good! Hectic and a bit crazed and everything is fine. I think my vacation may have hit a reset button inside of me. Whatever, I feel calm and capable. There is something about this time that makes me feel like it's mine.

On January 4th, I wrote of my desire to change my mind. To shed my old patterns of thought and take on new ones to acknowledge that change happens from the inside out. I believe it's working. I'm learning. I am simultaneously more accepting and more open to change. It feels good.

I am reminded of my friend Marijo's affirmation:

I believe in the the power of love.
I believe in synchronicity.
I believe in the power of energy.
Everything can change - in an instant.
If only we allow.

Yeah...

Packing Up My Kit Bag

and taking it on the road.

I'm headed to my favorite city - NY, NY! Work is the primary agenda but I should get to see a few friends while I'm there. I am so looking forward to it. This past week was a bear - a huge grizzly, believe me.

Between my bosses snapping and my co-workers dodging responsibility I was kept on my toes longer than a prima ballerina (and that visual ain't pretty!). But, I made it through (and if the insanity continues into this week, which based upon an article that was published today is very likely) and I won't be around to catch the fallout. Lucky me.

I'll get to see my friend, Michael, who has been struggling, of late. I'm hoping to find him in better Spirits (he seems so over the phone). It will be nice to hang out for an evening or two.

But, before any of that, I have to survive this Giants - Saints game. Come on, NY, you can do better than this! Your hometown girl is sending you winning energy. Can't you feel it??

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, the Giants lost. No, they were obliterated :-(

Here are a few updates:

1. I've started planning the womanchild's Sweet 16 party. I can hardly believe it was almost 16 years ago that she joined us on this journey. Wow. She has asked me not to make it too fancy and though I am usually laid back, I'm having a hard time controlling myself. I see an elegant and beautiful dinner party, with dance floor and DJ. Before I get too carried away, I promise to find out what she sees!

2. I do not like running. I started to type 'hate' but realized that was an exaggeration. Unlike walking, it's not fun. I know there are a bunch of you out there for whom it is a favorite pastime but, I can't wait for my cousin to get better so I can stop doing this 3 times a week. I am still on the easy regiment and yet, it feels like punishment. Luckily, Evlynne is healing rapidly; she's up to walking around the block in 23 min. I figure that means another 8 weeks instead of 10 for the running thing. Once she can walk a mile, my commitment is over. Now, lest I sound completely moronic, I want to add that I am very grateful that I CAN run.

3. My iPod has been surprising me with all sorts of selections I never paid attention to but find I really like. Here are a few:
Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow & Sting
Stand Up (For It)- Dave Mathews
Liberian Girl - Michael Jackson
Have A Little Faith - All Rebel Rockers
Happiness - The Fray
The Mess I Made - Parachute

Enjoy!

Love Note

I want to write
you
a
Love letter.

Just a word
from my heart to say
how warm
and safe
and easy
Life is
when I am in your arms.

Some message that could convey
my heart's fullness,
my mind's stillness
and the depth of my laugh
when you are in the room.

I wish words would rise
powerful,
like the blood red sunrise
that graces your balcony,
and fill this page
with rhythm and meaning
enough.

But these
simple common words
are all that will flow
from my fingertips...

Dearheart,
I Love you
everyday,
forever.


Update:

Have I mentioned how much better I feel since I started walking? It's wonderful! I sleep better at night, my appetite has decreased and those endorphins are priceless. Today I did a mere 4 mi and I'm completely energized for the workday ahead (yes, it's Sunday and I'll be working, just like yesterday). I started this journey because I wanted to support breast cancer research and, even though I couldn't make the event this weekend, I did raise a good bit of money and created a very good habit for myself.

Now to keep it going!

I've decided to sign up for the 3-day event next year to keep myself motivated. Every year, I discover another woman in my circle who has/is battling breast cancer. So, every year I want to stand up for them (and my Dad's memory). In addition, my cousin Evlynne, who is a fitness consultant/trainer and club manager had hip surgery last week and asked her friends and family to up their workouts as a way of supporting her recovery. So, rattling around in my head had been this slow, steady running program to which I've been afraid to commit. For Evlynne (and for me), tomorrow starts my journey into the run. I don't know if I'll like it, be good at it or have the physical stamina to do it but, tomorrow morning I'll find out.

I figure, even if I hate it, I can commit to doing it until she is back in the swing of things (about 12 weeks) and that should be long enough to push past my anxieties and know if it's a practice I want to continue. While I'm on that journey I will continue to walk on the weekend. I'd like to get in 8 - 10 miles over one or two days.

I have discovered that I enjoy long walks with friends or my iPod; early morning or late evening sky changes, the call of birds and sounds of whatever city I am in floating around me. I feel especially alive when I'm in my walking rhythm; even the aches of the last few miles remind me that I am here, breathing and participating in the natural flow of the universe.

Lucky me!

Poetry, Reflection and Stuff

I have been away for a while, off on what I hoped would be a magical vacation bringing me to my favorite guy.

I always wonder, before I see him, if the spell will be broken. If the Life we live in-between our visits will somehow cancel out the power of what connects us. But, this time was sweet and pleasure-filled and easy. It was quite a gift of Love and I am grateful to have received it.

All the rest and relaxation I got was just what I needed. The time away brought me balance and of course, made me thoughtful and I decided to share some of those thoughts with you.

Love is so much and then, so simple.

When I was young I bounced between heady emotions and had my heart broken fairly often. I tend to be very loyal and like long term relationships (I know, I know, how did I remain single?) but I discovered, in my 30's, that what drove me towards Love were my hormones and my lovers' pheromones. Neither helps a girl make good decisions and my chaotic family history gave me an unworkable model. I had no skills for making a good mate choice. So, as a self-preservation tactic, I made the decision to spend my 40's focused on family and work. That decision likely clinched my singlehood, making it a permanent state of being, for this Life.

Oddly enough though, the men that I found during my 30's are still the men I Love best, even though I am no longer biologically induced into liaisons. One my dear friend, the other my sweet Lover. And that fact makes me ponder Love's power to hold us, bind us and carry us forward.

How is it that I still have a full heart after the disappointments, the loneliness, the distance? How does Love do that even when, over the years, I have sworn not to allow it?

I have been a willing witness to the growth of these men who once were callous, no, careless really, with my affections. I listened to them, over the years (and just last week), care for other women and admit I have screamed inside why not care for me??? but, that too has quieted to a barely discernible whisper. I have become, I think, the caretaker of my own Life.

Today, I am generally better able to see people for who they are than I was when younger and (bonus time) I don't mind most people being exactly who they are, even if it doesn't suit me. I don't know how or when I became so accepting of reality but I find it hurts a lot less than when I just kept wishing people and circumstances would be different.

I suppose that could sound like resignation, and I might suspect it was if I wasn't feeling so fine. If I hadn't just come from the arms of a man I Love deeply (and Love being with so completely) and yet, suffered not at all from our parting, I might think that I was kidding myself. And, though I would gladly and without hesitation walk halfway around the world to sit down by his side (thanks for that line, Dave) if he asked, I am not wishing and praying and pacing the floor at night for his desire. Instead, I am simply living the Life I have as if it is something precious.

Maybe I came late to the gift of mortality - an appreciation of Life and Love without conditions, but, I am glad I finally arrived.

When I returned home I discovered that the other man I Love is in a good deal of pain, suffering from economic and relationship downturns. The poem below is for him.


Better Days

I hold for you
tenderness,
like a warm amethyst crystal
in my left palm;
it glows with power
and promises balance and peace.

How can I say what you have been to me?
Little of what I wanted and yet everything
all at once,
once upon a long ago time.
How could I measure the weight of your mouth
on my belly,
speaking to the unborn beauty I carried there?
Impossible to regret what Life brought me
just because I was angered
by what it took in exchange.

Tenderness in my heart and soul
wells up at the sound of your mighty voice,
I will you to feel it across this VOIP connection,
all the while knowing I cannot make right
what has gone wrong in your Life.

I wish it could change everything,
this tenderness
that makes me long to wrap you in my arms,
cradled, like the 2 year-old I chose
instead of you.

I am almost useless to you now,
separated by 850 miles and too many years
of unfulfilled wishes.

I can do no more than stand for you.

I look out across my backyard
listening to the clacking keys of teenage homework
in the background of your pain,
and I know that somehow this far-away Love will help,
must help
and be as sustenance,
a force to hold you up
until a better Love finds you.

Time's Not Marching - It's Running!

It's a little weird being the mom of a teenager when most grandmothers are my age, comfortably. I feel as if I missed a step. When everyone else was going through their mid-life crises I was raising a toddler/young child. Now, it's too late to have one.

I seem to have fast forwarded straight to grappling with mortality. Not that anything is wrong with me physically, I just feel (and much to my chagrin, look) so much older. Just like my womanchild was a baby last week and a full blown teen this one, I feel as if I was a youthful 35, only yesterday. I am continually shocked to find that yesterday was almost 18 years ago!

The music I partied to is now beyond classic and old school. Thank goodness Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince are all aging too! But, it doesn't really help that my generation's icons are dead or fighting to keep their careers viable.

At work, I am confronted with the fact that there are many things I could learn to do but, it's doubtful that I will take the time or be offered the opportunity. Like, writing programming code. Last week, I attended a training that required familiarity with writing in code. I get the concept but that's as far as my skill level goes. I had an easy time at the training because it was very basic but I could also see all of the things I won't be able to do with this tool because I don't have the requisite skill set.

The only comfort is that I will probably lead the people who do know how to write the code and I will be responsible for keeping the project moving and ensuring that the end product works for my organization, from the user's perspective. Up until now, I always had some of the skill I required of those who worked for me. They often held more expertise in specific areas but, in a pinch I could substitute. Not so anymore.

I'm not complaining because I understand this is just forward movement. It just feels uncomfortable, like I'm off balance. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

Now for the fun stuff! I've won tickets to see The Fray from a local radio station and in less than 2 weeks I'll be on vacation!!! Sun, fun and Love. That's a wonderful combination.

Lucky me!

Making Adjustments

It occurred to me, this afternoon while putting groceries in the car, that I am not as happy as I would like to be. Now, if someone were to ask me if I am happy, I would likely respond "yes, relatively so". I certainly don't think of myself as unhappy.

But, as I was loading the car and my daughter was standing next to the cart staring off into space, I suddenly became annoyed, said something flip and then, was huffy (in my mind) as I finished up.

I realized that what I would have preferred to have done would have been to simply ask her to help me; without frustration or sarcasm. It was a small exchange but it was telling.

I've been having more and more experiences like that one. Seconds after I react I realize that I could have made a different choice. I feel as if I spend a great deal of my time under stress, frustrated or annoyed. Trust me, that is not how I want to live this life.

So, I think that I need to make a few adjustments, fix a few things - my attitude, for starters. I believe I have a disposition that appreciates and gravitates towards joy and peace. I like calm and comfy. But, the world around me is too often in full forward blast and I have forgotten the needed coping skills to maintain balance and create my joy. Once upon a time I think I did pretty well. These days, however, I feel spiritually lazy; like I have let good habits slip and replaced them with my thoughtless reactions.

I want my reactions to be joyful or to at least start at neutral. That means back to meditation (no matter how hard it seems to clear my jammed to the rafters brain) and continuing my physical exercise; it means intentionally seeing the beauty and joy in the little moments of my days and being grateful for them. Ok, that's my homework for the next 6 months.

It's not all work, though. There is fun and joy in my future! In September, I'm off to visit one of my favorite men and have a relaxing and grown-up vacation. This is my first vacation without the womanchild since she was born. I'm looking forward to starry nights, balmy days and the connecting kind of Love that is shared with someone who holds you in their heart. It's the kind of R&R that I really need.

May your future be filled with the best Life has to offer...

My Life According to Dave Mathews

I saw this posted on the fb page of the teenage daughter of one of my friends. It peeked my interest so I thought I would play it here. Play and pass it on, if you like!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You cannot use the name of the artist I select. Do not repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

As the teenager aptly put it "I'm a dork for doing this!" But, so what? I've been a dork for so long it doesn't matter at all!

Pick Your Artist:
Dave Mathews (but, you knew that, didn't you?)

Are you a male or female?:
Dreamgirl

Describe yourself:
Steady As We Go

How do you feel:
So Damn Lucky

Describe where you currently live:
American Baby

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Stolen Away On 55th and 3rd

Your favorite form of transportation is:
Satellite

Your best friend is:
Pleasure and Pain

What's the weather like:
Typical Situation

Favorite time of day:
Rising Stars

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Funny The Way It Is

Your relationships:
Stay or Leave

Your fear:
You Might Die Trying

What is the best advice you have to give:
Everybody Wake Up

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Smooth Rider

My soul's present condition:
Hunger For The Great Light

Your Motto:
Don't Drink The Water

And, there you have it. What's the story of your Life?

Soul Survivor

Well, it's been awhile and aside from working like a slave (hard and without remuneration beyond basic needs) I haven't had time to do much. Most days when I was dragging myself home, I could get myself pepped-up and pumped by some of my new music.

Here is where the womanchild enters the scene - most of the songs/artists were her suggestions!

Now that may seem reasonable but we have very different tastes. Babygirl likes here hipitty hopitty thump and bump music. So, for us, it shows either a real sense of maturity in her taste in music or a loss of standards on my part. I tend to like music with feeling, meaning and complexity. I can't say every song I've been jamming to lately has all 3 qualities but, 2 out of 3 ain't bad and a few have them all.

So here goes my hit list:

Dave Mathews Band - Shake Me Like A Monkey
Dave Mathews Band - Funny The Way It Is
Dave Mathews Band - Laying In The Hands of God
Kris Allen - Heartless
Parachute - Back Again
Parachute - The Mess I Made
Parachute - Blame It On Me
Pink - Sober
The Script - We Cry
The Script - Breakeven
Adele - Right As Rain
Beyonce - Halo (I find myself singing this and enjoying the feel of it)

I hope there's good music in your world, keeping you sane, moving you forward, bringing you pleasure.

Here's to next week and having something to write about!

The Calling

It's late and I should be asleep but this piece was rattling around in my head. Doubtless, I'll pay for my folly tomorrow but for tonight...

My mother taught me to be long suffering
My father taught me why
I'd like to break the hold of the past
Someday, before I die.

To each, this Life is given
Its grandeur ours to make
The choice is mine to live it fully
or suffer as a fake.

It's up to me to find the joy
hidden in each day
to celebrate the Love I find
in my own remarkable way;

To march forward into my unknown
Despite the fear of pain
To change my unproductive ways
to habits that bring me gain.

I intend, today, to look within
and not shirk from what I see
to honor the world with all I am
and give the gift of me.

A Play 4 Me...

Not too far from my home a new arts center has been built. It's a wonderful and elegant structure, though not wasteful in size or amenities. I guess I would describe it as two big steps up from a community theater auditorium but a full ladder away from the Alliance Theater. No matter, its location is excellent, bringing the arts to this growing and primarily black community. It means no more traveling into midtown to see the beauty of creativity unfold - it's all right here in our own backyard.

Tonight, I went to see "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf", by Ntozake Shange. The production was directed by Jasmine Guy and starred several wonderful black actresses; a few of whom are fairly well known and one of whom is the daughter of a past colleague and friend.

To say that the production was very good would be like describing the perfect rose and blue sunrise as pretty. It was fantastic, bringing to Life a play/poetic story form that I remembered well for over 30 years. Shange wrote an amazing piece of work and today, it continues to hold its power.

The writing is a treat and the acting was captivating. Fantastic job, ladies!!! Thank you.

On the Run

I've neglected my space for a bit and I apologize. The work-a-day world has gotten me by the short hairs but, it's all good. I'm grant writing and, if all goes well, will bring in big $ for my org. I'll be back at the end of the month.

Later Gators...

Image by Jason Reicher
http://www.flickr.com/photos/amybouse/3645819024/

Taken It Over the Top

It's Friday, after a long, long week and I am watching Taken. I've wanted to see this movie for awhile now because I have a severe crush on Liam Neeson. Severe.

Now, if you don't know me, you may not know that I enjoy action flicks. I like the shoot 'em up, tough guy with sensitivity. Yes, thanks to my Dad, I am a sucker for a good guy with a heart of gold, who has just a touch of bad in him. The fellas I Love are not surprised by this, are you guys? Neither are my closest girlfriends. Hopefully, I'm raising my daughter to be smarter.

But, who can resist a good looking man with a sharp mind; hard muscles all around? Not to mention, Liam's time-honored quest to protect his daughter, in this movie. He takes extreme measures, to be sure. I find that I am both disgusted by the violence and empathetic regarding its use. If my child was threatened there is absolutely nothing I would not do to secure her safety. Though it is clear that I would not have the means or methodology to overcome a situation like his in the movie, I gain a sense of empowerment from watching a fictitious parent take a stand.

Perhaps, because I feel as if I take my stand everyday, in every way that I know how. I sacrifice and make deals with my God for the womanchild's happiness, her success, her survival. I am primal in my Love for her. There is no logic, no patience, no temperance. It is all that I have. Maybe you understand that, maybe it sounds overdone.

Anyway, Liam knows...

Magnolia Dreams

Before my house was built, before the land was cleared, my friend Ted and I walked through the trees. I whispered my thanks to them. I was so thankful for that little piece of land and everything that grew upon it. I thanked the trees for their strength and towering beauty and for the sacrifice they would make so my family and I would have a place of laughter and Love and shelter.

In the midst of the giant pines and oaks was a majestic magnolia. It was tall and full; it was lush. Ted encouraged me to ask the builder to save that tree and I did. I marked it and asked him to make sure he kept it. It was far enough away from the house site that it didn't need to be removed. But, as you have already guessed, when the land was cleared the magnolia was cleared along with it.

We moved into the house in February, when everything was grey and bare; the land slept deeply that winter and it would not be until the spring that I would notice the little twig of magnolia. It was no more than 2.5 feet tall, with its full and dark green leaves. It was growing right next to a mighty oak and I thought the roots of the oak would likely strangle the little offshoot of magnolia.

Each spring, acknowledging that it had made it through the winter, I willed it to bloom. All the magnolias in other yards, on other grounds would be filled with blossoms in late spring. The scent would fill the surrounding air and evoke images of lovers and lazy southern nights. Those tall and fragrant trees always made me remember the tree I had lost to the builder's short term memory or, if I was feeling unkind, to his broken promise. I wanted that baby magnolia to assert itself, to be gaudy in its display of flowers, to be whole.

Over the last 11 years, the tiny tree has been my touch stone. It sits just outside my bedroom window at the start of the treeline. On evenings when I felt the weight of the world crushing in on me with fears of losing my business (when I was consulting) or of losing my mind (when I began a 9 - 5 in the public sector), I would look out at that little magnolia and smile. Because, dwarfed as it was by the trees around it, small as it was standing against the winds and storms and droughts, barren as it was, still, it was always there. Its survival gave me hope of my own ability to carry on.

Jorge left a comment a few weeks ago and he labeled me resilient. It was an interesting adjective, one that I had not associated with my self before. And, I liked it. I have survived and I am not jaded or inert. I am still trying, still learning, still putting one foot in front of the other. I have not the brilliant blooms of some or the authority of others, but, I am still here.

Like my magnolia.

Last week, I awoke as the sun was beginning to rise. The trees are so tall they block the sun for several hours but, the light makes its presence known. And in that early morning light of intermingled greys and blues, my little magnolia shrugged in the breeze and offered me a glimpse of her first bloom.

It brought tears to my eyes.

Everything Can Change

I believe in the power of love.
I believe in synchronicity.
I believe in the power of energy.
Everything can change - in an instant.
If only we allow.

My friend Marijo shared this with us on her blog. The words struck me as so powerfully true and I thought I would post them here. A reminder of the mystery of this energy called Life, of our interdependence and our freedom. Thanks, Marijo, you rock!!!

In other news:

The womanchild had a great weekend away from home. And in proof that she is maturing, she came home with 70% of the money I sent her with and returned it to me. I was pleased as punch and gave it back to her. This surprised her so much she gave me a huge bear hug. I felt like she was my little 5-year old again. Later in the week she went shopping with a friend and returned with a Dave Mathews CD for me.

Maybe this teen thing isn't so bad after all.

Work is in full swing and I'm figuring out how to take care of myself as the world around me goes insane. The oddest thing, is working with people who, because of their very senior status in the organization, assume they are right about things they know very little about. They make pronouncements - "We'll do it this way!" - without listening to the on the ground feedback that advises against such a course of action.

The deference required of authority is one of those real life circumstances that I have reacted to in various ways. These days I present the truth, from my perspective and as fully as possible and then let them do what they will. Unless (and here's where I get myself into trouble, y'all) the decision is going to screw up a piece of work for which I feel responsible. But, I am learning and growing and working around the resistance. I've begun building understanding with those who can influence the powerful know-it-all and voila! Like magic, decisions change and work progresses.

I find myself daydreaming about my vacation in September. It's far off, that's true, but it's close enough in time to imagine and feel and enjoy the possiblity of it. I am truly looking forward to the mountains, the sea and the Love.

Well, time for my 4 mile walk. Live long and prosper...

Do a Happy Dance

My friend, Marijo, just gave me a friend award! Thanks, Marijo. I have fewer readers since leaving Spaces but, those who do come 'round and share a thought or two are like honey on my tongue. Check out Marijo's blog and share her year of inner adventure.

It's teenager time! The womanchild turned 15 this week and had her last day of school as a freshman. She survived freshman year intact, no obvious wounds to her self esteem, no slips in her grades and a bunch of new friends and general happiness. Whew! Now I get to take a break from carpooling and soccer practice and teenage playdates (which all translate into Mom-the-chauffeur).

Summer means I don't have to get up at 5:00 am to work out but, I can sleep until 6:30 and still get to the gym and then work on time! Yea!! 7.5 hours of sleep instead of 6; it makes a huge difference.

Summer means weeks on my own as the womanchild goes off to Ohio this weekend, to camp in June and then to NY in August. Almost three whole weeks of just me! Time to do my happy dance. Wish I had a man to help me take advantage of the opportunity to let loose. Unfortunately, I'll have to work, so the time on my own will be filled with everyday kinds of things. If you don't have children living with you full time, then you can't really understand what an enormous mental break this time alone will be.

I watched John & Kate + 8 for the first time (about a coupe with twin 6-yr olds and sextuplet 3-year olds. Made me feel as if I had absolutely nothing to complain about - ever. Never-the-less, and I've probably said this before, I Love my child more than Life, but single motherhood wears me out. So, it's these rare and brief respites without her that rejuvenate me and remind me of who I am besides the womanchild's mother.

Week in Review:
Kris Allen won on American Idol! This is the first year I really didn't mind who won. I liked Adam just as much as Kris and thought he had a winning style. I should add that all the teenage girls in my Life were cheering for Kris.

The season of 24 ended and it was a bit anticlimactic. After all the gossip that this was the last season, I expected something a bit more intense. Jack, you let me down, man.

I prepared over the past full work week for a major meeting, which my boss, in 15 min. completely derailed. I think I must finally be mature because I just smiled, moved my notes to the side and let his solo show run it's course. When he was finished, two hours later, I picked up the ball and moved the team forward a few paces. Classic boss stuff, right? Sigh...

Time has slipped while I wrote this and I'm now very late picking my Mom up from my cousin's house, where she was visiting to attend a graduation. So, the chauffeur hat is back on and I better get my butt moving!

Be well and ever better...

Groovy, Baby

I'm feeling groovy today.

Groovy,
like the 59th Street Bridge song,
Sammy Davis, Jr.
or
Wes Montgomery when he was
Bumpin' on Sunset

I am
in a
good groove.

Like I'm
inside my first new car;
(ROAD TRIP! )
sunroof open
stars overhead
night air blowing through
95 miles an hour
and
no flashing blue lights
concerned with my recklessness...
Groovy,
Groovy,
Groovy baby.

Every now and again
some stray melancholy thought
attempts to gain my attention
and sober me up.

But,
this rhythm is too hypnotic
the air too fresh
and colors too clear
for worrisome thoughts.
I leave them for another day,
some later day when
I have time for
mourning loss
or moaning stress.

Today, though,
is just too ripe,
with its clear blue sky;
its sunrise celebration
has left all the birds
chattering on about its beauty.

Today is too full
of the powerful sway of my hips
and the soulful song on my lips
as I take Center Stage
in my own Life.

Too perfect of a day
to spend any way
other than
heart open
mind clear
and
groovin'.

Peace and Love, y'all!

Happy Mother's Day

All told, Mother's Day was a good one. The 3 generations of women in my household were generally kind and loving towards one another, had a very good dinner together at one of our favorite restaurants, exchanged cards and gave thanks for another year of togetherness.

As I sat across from my daughter and my mother this evening, I couldn't help but think how we've changed and grown. My mother, older and frailer (though generally in excellent health) and my child knowing everything, when just a few years ago she thought I knew everything.

As for me, the past ten years have been extraordinary. Hard in many, many ways but not without relief. I have learned, in this time, to see the reality of my Life without softening it with the visions in my head. What is, is. That doesn't mean things can't be changed for the better, just that the often harsh reality of the moment is not diminished by the dreams of tomorrow or the wishes of today.

I have accepted that there are ideas and dreams I once held closely and worked hard for that will not come true for me, at least not in this Life. For a long time I was deeply saddened by the idea of lost opportunities, disappointed at not having been chosen and not choosing wisely. I wished with all my heart to spend my days and nights Loved by a good man. I kept thinking he was just around the corner, or just confused or too distracted. That he would, one day, wake up and recognize me or meet me at some gathering of friends or stop me to return my daughter's lunch box, mistakenly taken by his child.

LOL, I do enjoy my imagination!

Thankfully, the years have passed and I have come to understand that what is, is also good. What I hold in my heart for the ones I love is deep and true. I realize I will not have a fairytale ending but the Love I share today is fulfilling, if not in every way then in most of the ways that count. Most importantly, I have realized that I am not afraid of being alone. It is certainly harder, but it is my Life and I am glad to have each breath.

I finally feel, at 52, free to Live. It's nice to have shed many of the expectations and cultural tales that I was raised upon. All the gender stuff (it wasn't until I became a single mom that I truly understood why women put up with barely tolerable marriages) that says you must find your prince. I just assumed mine was always right around the corner. But, what if there is no prince for you? What then?

Now, that I have let go of the idea, it's freeing in the same way that having my child grow up is freeing. It hurts some and makes me a bit anxious but, it's Life - real Life and cannot be denied. Oddly, I feel that more is possible now that I have accepted that somethings simply are not probable. Does that make sense? I've been thinking hard about what will come next and I'll share some of it with you in later posts.

My child is my greatest blessing, yet the teenage years are proving trying. I see myself in her and see all her missteps laid out in front of her. Confidence and independence are good but can be overdone. She won't hear me when I try to slow her down and I can do nothing but let her discover on her own how her strengths can also be weaknesses when overplayed. But, she is at the beginning and that is what the beginning is for.

Each Life is short, no matter how much time is granted. Too short for sadness, for disappointment, for longing or for missing the joy that is right in front of you.

So, it was a good Mother's Day, I hope it was for you, too!

p.s. I performed my monologue on Saturday and received heartfelt and spontaneous applause from my acting classmates! It felt soooo good. Next set of classes start May 30th and I can't wait. Then, in the fall, it's the Film series - look out Forrest Whitaker, maybe I can be your leading lady one of these days! LOL!!!

Chi Town Spring and Summer

The first time I visited Chicago was in September of last year. I fell in Love with it. It was a perfect time of year to be introduced and, though I wasn't there long, it had the right feel and rhythm.

I am happy to report that I will visit again twice in the next few months!!! Yea!

I thought that working on this stimulus grant would be a chore but, as it turns out, there will be perks and rewards. I can't wait to explore the city again. And now that President Obama is in office, I bet the city is buzzing with energy.

So, maybe I'll catch a Cubs game, do some shopping, walk by the lake and hear some wonderful music at an outdoor festival. Sound like fun?

Yep, that's what I'm all about!

Sweet, Sweet Honey In The Rock

Ever do something and know, deep in your bones, that what you have done was the absolute best thing? It doesn't happen often, at least not for me, but this month it has happened twice.

The first perfect thing I have done was to sign up for acting classes. I LOVE it!!!! It's two hours of adult make believe and play and serious craft all mixed into one. I have no idea how good I am and whatever the judgment I am fine with it. I am completely enjoying the experience. It's a beginners course so the instructor has appropriate expectations for us - very low. He is wonderful in that he is encouraging, even as he explains that just about everything you did was out of sync with what you were trying to create for the scene. (I'm starting to sound like and actor, aren't I?)

I can't really describe how freeing it is to pretend to be shy or sexy or amused or spiteful or ashamed. To be free to be anything because that is what your character requires - to be vulnerable. I am looking forward to doing longer and longer scenes as the class progresses.

What a fantastic idea it was to take an acting class; if I do say so myself while patting my back quite purposefully.

On to the 2nd super thing I have done! Mom has a birthday on Monday. Her 84th - amazing, isn't it? I overheard a colleague speaking on the phone on Thursday about one of my favorite singing groups and she mentioned they would be in concert here. Of course, I went straight to google, found their website and lo and behold there it was - Sweet Honey In The Rock was coming to Atlanta!

I immediately bought 2 tickets thinking the womanchild and I would attend, forgetting it was Mom's b-day weekend. Once I remembered, I decided we'd take her out to dinner on Sunday instead of Saturday, no problem. But, it just didn't sit well, internally. I knew in my Spirit that Mom would enjoy the concert but, I had already bought her tickets to see a play in May as her birthday gift. And, let's face it, while I am willing to ignore my budget most days, tickets to anything (even movies) ain't cheap and I was sorta breaking the bank by purchasing tickets to two shows in the space of a week anyway.

But, it kept gnawing at me, so I finally gave in and asked the girlchild if she really wanted to see Sweet Honey. Not really, my alternative-rock- and-hip-hop-saturated-child replied. So free of the burden of trying to acculturate the human I gave birth to, I gave a gift to the woman who birthed and raised me. And, she loved every minute of it. I watched her sway and clap and nod her head in time to the music. She turned to me at one point and said 'I just can't keep still'. That, my friends, is the mark of an excellent concert as far as I'm concerned.

And the music made us move and cheer and sing along. If you don't know Sweet Honey here are a few of my favorite selections:

Wanting Memories
Breaths
No Mirrors In My Nana's House
Stay
Redemption Song
Peace
Motherless Chil'

Now, if accapella, spirituals, gospel and african influcenced music are not in your repetoire or not much appreciated by you then, you may want to pass these sisters by. But, if you love complex harmony, natural sounds, heart, power and beauty in your music then, take a listen.

Sweet Honey In The Rock live up to their name.

Love Lines

There are no straight lines.
Irregardless of the mathematician's linear regressions
or the philosopher's proofs,
life bends upon itself
and the terrain rises before our eyes again
and again and
again.

Familiar, though different,
each time synchronistically,
we know one another;
by scent,
the opulent curve of a lip,
the flashpoint behind the eyes
and in rare times
one soul to your soul.
Though recognition is no guarantee
of shared time, place or space.

Straight lines are a concept.
Like romance
they live in the mind and cannot be made real
no matter how hard or worthy the try
there is always the immeasureable distance
between points
between hearts.

The trick to tossing up your heart
is to purposefully give it a curve
and then wait,
with untold patience,
to see
who bends back round
and claims it.

Spring Has Sprung!

And in true Atlanta fashion. Everything is green and, thanks to the pollen, yellow. A car left outside for more than an hour will be covered in the stuff. Most folk can't believe how outrageous the allergens are here. So, here's a statistic for you:

Today's pollen count is 1,074 and, according to allergy specialists, a high count is anything over 121.

Quite a few of my northeastern friends thought I was exaggerating when I first moved here. They swore I wasn't eating properly (which I wasn't) or drinking enough water (which I was). Bottom line, few, if any escape the runny nose, itchy eyes and bronchial tightness brought on by Atlanta's spring fest.

But, having said all that, combine the pollen with the sorely needed rain we have been experiencing and we may have one of the most beautiful springs ever. I'll make sure to take lots of pics of the flowers as they continue to bloom. This week it's the Dogwood trees and I promised myself a walk in Piedmont Park to catch a glimpse of the beauty. Since it's going to rain again on Sunday, I'll be sure to get out tomorrow.

As is in keeping with Spring, I am feeling energized, optimistic and completely open to possibility! I start an acting class next week with my friend Bryan and I am very excited. He's done a few community theater parts recently, but I have not graced the stage since high school (don't bother counting on your fingers and toes, you don't have enough to calculate how long it's been). I made sure to sign up for the film foundational class because I am a movie and TV junkie. I figure, why not learn how to do the things I enjoy watching.

And, in keeping with that sentiment, I'm taking striptease lessons next!

Hey, Life is meant to be enjoyed. Get out and have a little fun!!!

Packing a Bag

I am in need of a vacation.

Needing a chance to unwind,
to breathe different air,
to forget the day-2-day stresses;
the drivers that slip precariously in front of me,
the co-workers who play politics like children playing dress up
or
the simple need to be in two places at once
with little possibility of relief.

A vacation is what I need...

Blue, blue waters reflecting a perfect sky
lots of warmth and lazy me
I suppose a little sightseeing just to say
I was there
But no more than my mindlessness is willing to tolerate.

I want to rock
slowly
with a good book
that makes me think-
or not-
drifting in a hammock
towards slumber;
waking in time for a swim
and a sensuous meal.

Oh,
my sweet,
I can smell it,
taste it,
almost touch it.

I

am

in

deep,

deep

need

of a vacation :-)

Choices

Walk a tightrope:



hot
or
not;

play it close
or
simply let go;


naked,

desire brimming

wet,

waiting,

wanting,


needing
more than you have.

Part 2 - All The Truth I Know about Love

Years ago, a friend of mine who once knew herself as an astrologer, told me that with my Sun conjunct Saturn, Life, for me, was all about the work of living. There are more details, like the Sag and Scorpio influences of these planets, but that would take a lot of words to describe. Suffice it to say, I am attracted to the work that I do in this Life. Not just my 9 - 5 career of sorts, but the work of relationships, of family, of problem-solving, of just about everything. The work of living my philosophy is essential and driving to my being.

As I re-read my words on Love, in the last post, I had to smile at how much of it was of my hard won lessons. The simple joys of Love, the flush, the fantasy, the desire and the quiet strength of caring were all neglected. But they are as real and as important as the work. So, Part 2 for my baby girl is all the elements of Love that I deeply appreciate having experienced. For you Sweetie Pie Pie...

Love is the connecting force of the Universe and as such, is beyond the romance and blush we ascribe. Love defies description and can be found everywhere. Even in the darkest places, even in the hearts of those we label as beyond redemption, there is Love. Sometimes, we choose to follow Love's call, sometimes we attempt to minimize its voice and sometimes we ignore it completely. But, Love does speak to each of us.

Love is in the offer of an umbrella to a random mother and child getting wet in the rain, in the phone call to a friend because they could use a friendly voice, in reaching for the hand of your beloved when they have received devastating news. Love means you show up and count in the lives you touch.

Love is the joy you find in your Lover's smile. It is the openness of your heart when talking to that strange old lady on the bus who needs to have a conversation with someone - with anyone. Love is giddy and foolish sometimes and when it is, it's the absolute best feeling.

Love soothes, calms and invigorates. Love makes mighty those who feel weak; heals hurts and slights, reveals truth and clears confusion. Love is simply amazing.

And then, there is the work :o)

All The Truth I Know About Love

I've been thinking about what to tell my daughter that will give her the truth (or at least as much of it as I know) about all sorts of things. Work, Love, anger, opportunity, family and Life. There is so much to say that rarely gets said on the morning ride to school or Thursdays after soccer.

I want to tell her about Love in a way that is neither jaded nor rooted in fairytales. I've been twisting around in my head and heart the words that would express what I have lived and believe and they never seem to come out right. But, if I don't get something out and down, what I mean to say may never be written. So, at the risk of telling far too much and not enough simultaneously, I'm taking my shot.



Love does not require anyone else. In fact, the first love is always ourselves. Most of what we do in Life are attempts to meet the needs of our Self, to support our Self, to keep our Self safe; in other words, to Love and care for our Self. And that's very important, essential even, and it can get in the way of being open enough to Love others.



Loving others does not mean they will Love you back. This is true for all forms of Love. It is likely that you will meet others whom you want to know better. Some you will want for friends, others as Lovers. But, you can never predict their response to you, nor should you try. My strategy has always been to just put it out there. Hey, folks, let's try a little of this Love stuff! It feels good and it's good for you too! While it hurts a good bit when it's unrequited, it seems more honest to state the case as is.



I have also noticed that my openness can make it difficult for my dance partner. If they are not feeling what I feel, they have the burden of letting me down. And that can be difficult, I suppose. Especially when it is just as easy to take what's being offered and pretend to feel the same. Which leads me to...



Just because it looks, sounds and acts like Love, doesn't mean it is. Love has a gentle face and most people, especially those who are attracted to you, find it easy to don this face in the beginning of a relationship. But, attraction or passion are not Love. Love can be built, over time, as a result of attraction but does not automatically or of necessity flow from it. In the beginning, relationships usually feel good (if one doesn't, for any reason, you should end it). But, the beginning is just that - the time that is long before you really know a person.


Love is the most joyful and hurtful state you will ever experience. It is a paradox, truly. It does not mean equal parts of each, however. But, no matter how close and caring two people are, they cannot avoid hurting one another. To be in this human form, which by its nature means we have only a limited understanding of how deeply connected we really are, guarantees misunderstanding, moments of self-absorption, fear of any number of things and a simple lack of time. Even for the most conscientious partner, one or more of these things will cause upset to their beloved.

Love is a gift to be cherished. No one owes you their Love and care nor should you take it lightly when you see someone is sincere in their offer of Love. Even if you don't share the others feelings, their feelings (and yours) are worthy of respect. A kind 'No' is far better than pretending 'Yes'. In the end, the insincere going along is much more hurtful. Love must always be honored with truthfulness, tenderness and patience.

Never take yourself too seriously. If you can find it in your heart to laugh at yourself; at your petty gripes, your excessive needs and your irrational fears, then you may have a shot at cultivating Love.

My darling girl, I am sure I have not said more than a drop in the ocean of what is needed and I will likely revisit and revise this over time. For today, I hope it is enough. Watching you grow and blossom, I wish for you all and only the best of Love.

Mommy

Yes, I'm In Love

I have completely and without reservation fallen for Dave Mathews and his amazing band. Yes, I said it, I have a school girl crush and I'm proud of it.

If you know Dave, you know he has been around for a very long time. I, however, have lived under a rock for the past 14 years and somehow missed his excellent music until this past fall. And, it was only by accident that I found him.

Having dropped off the teens at school, I decided to roll the dice and listen to something other than my usual Bert Show (whose talk show makes me laugh - and who doesn't need a laugh in the morning?). I flipped to my rarely listened to Dave FM (cause the teenagers are always listening to the hip and the hop) and there, radiating out from my speakers, was this edgy, funky, rock/country/world/jazz music that made me LISTEN.

I mean, I focused on the song, its words, melody, intonation, instruments, the beat - all of it combined to create music in the way it was meant to be. I don't remember what was playing but I made a point to remember the band. About a month later, after the girl child asked if she could download some music, I realized I hadn't tried to find that band I liked so much. I dug through my purse to find the sticky note and hit the iTunes icon.

What I discovered has kept me rockin' for the past few months. I Love Dave Mathews.
I go to sleep with his voice in my head (thank goodness for iPods) and workout to him in the morning. I imagine meeting him in the airport as I'm about to get on a plane. We talk for a few moments and discover we are headed to the same place. I take my seat in coach, he walks to first class and a few minutes later, the flight attendant tells me I can move forward. What joy! A seat next to Dave.

I got it bad, I know. Teenagerish crush, for sure. It's like being 16, I just don't have posters on my bedroom walls. You gotta laugh at yourself when you're fantasizing about rock stars!

In case, by some strange twist of fate you haven't heard of Dave Mathews, here are a few of my favorites:
Crash Into Me
Everyday
Ants Marching
Steady As We Go
The Dreaming Tree
The Idea of You
Stay or Leave
Grey Street

What can I say? Everyone should have the joy of crushing in their middle years!

Rock on and smile...

Valentine Love

I know that Valentine's Day is just a made up holiday and some folks will get all twisted up in knots about what they do or don't have today. But, I think setting aside a day to celebrate romance and passion is a sweet thing. Here is my tribute to the day and to the men who live in my heart, forever my Valentines.

A storm swept through
and blew out my electricity
So, I set the lamb on the grill
and decided to watch the sun
fall slowly below the tree line.

Across the dark blue and velvet sky
clouds swam overhead;
the moon peeking out from in-between
watched me sip warm beer
as I waited for my evening meal.

I think of you
as the wind slides along my cheek;
of your feet
or my feet
reaching across the unspoken divide
of our wedding bed
to say
'Love me tonight'.
I thought of how we each slid
so easily
along the length of the other
fulfilling the desire teased up by our toes.

Venus winks at me,
pulling me from my memories;
time to check the flame
and turn the meat.
But, the sudden heat
causes me to recall
a steamy Singapore night
when everything was you
and I was everything,
and the glow in my heart was visible.
The hibiscus seemed to spring up
as we walked along
those unfamiliar streets;
your pale hand gently clasped my cocoa fingers
your lips found my mouth
and stole my breath
as the rain poured down upon us.
Ah, baby,
what a night that was!

I take a long swallow from my half empty bottle
and listen
to the rustle of the trees.
The leaves make a dry and crackling sound
like the fall of your cargoes
across your thick and strong brown thighs
to the floor.
Your tongue worked magic along my back
a moan escaped my lips
and echoes now, through my mind.

Oh, how I remember
the late night dinners,
the shared movies,
the whispered fantasies and
the dreams worth dreaming
with you.

I remember the depth of your brown eyes,
the smell of you mixed with soap
and the smell of you mixed with me.

Remember all the flirtation
all the angst
the laughter
the way the sound of your voice
could still my heart,
melt my fears
and fill my world with joy.

I remember the day-to-day
the somedays
the always
and
the never ending
we will never end promises
that were broken and kept.

It is all here
for me
tonight;
so,
even though there will be no flowers,
no chocolate
nor diamonds exchanged
in celebration of such Love
I am still thankfulness and gratitude
still open and alive
still smiling
at every moment I spent in your heart.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

It's a Dog's Life

I've been thinking of getting a dog.

A nice mid-size, fun-loving, energetic, minimal shedding dog.

I'm not sure I'm ready to make the commitment; the whole walking in cold weather, house smell and not leaving him/her for long periods of time. But, the companionship would be nice. I had a dog growing up and even though he was offically my brother's dog, I Loved him alot.



Who can resist that face? I'm going to let myself chew on the idea for a few months and, if I haven't changed my mind, I'll take a ride over to the Humane Society and adopt a pooch. Oooo, I could just kiss that face!

Footballmania

I'm not much of a sports fan. I was introduced to cricket a couple of years ago by my favorite lover and the womanchild loves soccer, aka football (making me a huge fan - when she's playing). But, although I enjoy watching when I have someone to discuss a game with, for me it is really about the social element more than the game itself.

Growing up, my family was immersed in tv and stadium sports. We attended Knicks, Nets, Mets, Yankees and Jets games. We watched any game that our team was playing and I admit to fully engaging in the spirit of sport.

In my 20s and 30s, lovers were usually impressed with my ability to analyze a game and predict the winner. One boyfriend actually used me to place his bets. I even received a few nice pieces of jewelry from the winnings.

Funny though, once I realized I had to give up some things to keep my little family going, sports just fell away. I don't recall even missing it. These days, when folks in the office start to discuss their favorite teams my eyes seem to roll up behind their lids and my mind freezes. "Who cares?", I think. Just about everyone, it seems.

It's hard for me to remember what I made all the fuss about years ago. Steelers or Cardinals (mind you, the Cardinals were only a baseball team when I seriously watched the game), win or lose, what will change tomorrow? Will banks start making loans, children be better protected and educated, the poor provided clean, safe housing and enough food to eat? Will the US and world economy begin to expand? How will the world be better?

What the 'big' game does allow us to do is to forget the problems and concerns that we face. And that's okay. We need a break from the stresses of Life every now and then. I'm all for taking a well deserved break. So, enjoy your Super Bowl parties 'cause tomorrow we face news of more job losses, business downturns and bi-partisan bickering (from both sides of the aisle).

I'll be watching for the commercials (and enjoying lots of good food and drink) at my friend Lester's house.

Wherever you are, if you are watching, I hope your team wins!

Stay or Leave?

I Love that Dave Mathews song, don't you? But, the song itself is not today's writing topic, the title was simply illustrative of the dilema.

The question I have requires serious pondering on my part. It was raised by an old and very close friend who has declared that he is moving to Africa. He has always wanted to go and work there and now, at 50, pension and financial stability be damned, he's decided to go.

For my part, I cheered him on, 'follow your dreams and make them real'. That's my go-to line, isn't it? In fact, that's what I wrote on these 'pages' just a few days ago. Why then, I wonder, was there this sinking feeling during our conversation? As if I knew that this was a wrong turn.

The rational side of me knows that our lessons and our Lives are for us to discover - day by day. It doesn't matter where we are (or even who we are with) because through our experiences we face the eternal choices of defining ourselves (good and bad, Love and hate, power and weakness, kind and selfish, creative and destructive). Whether my friend stays in NYC or moves to Ghana he will only find himself.

I suspect that he is looking to find a better self there. Someone who can do more for others and be better appreciated for his service. Or maybe it really is just a yearning that he has suppressed for many years which must now be fulfilled. Still I have that sense of things being out of balance. Being who I am, I know that sense of being off-kilter means I have somehow made this about me.

Perhaps it's because for years I felt trapped by my Life. Having only meager means to exercise my wanderlust and needing to create roots for my baby girl, I put away much of my desire to change my scenery. I suppressed it until it came gurgling up as anger at my single parenthood and at Life in general. It took a while to make Peace with the circumstances of my Life, but I believe I have.

I've discovered how deeply rewarding it can be to be in one place for a long time and to give yourself over to another human being completely, as I have only done for my child. It has also gotten easier, as the years have passed, to include what I need into my Life. So, there's been a release valve for my frustration. As we come closer to her departure (and make no bones about it, she can't wait to get outta here) I see the choices for my Life making themselves known.

Will I remain here once my womanchild is fully a woman? Will I take up pottery, travel to the 4 continents I have yet to experience, fall in Love again, write that next book? I don't know. But, the questions don't haunt me as they once did. I am certain that Life will simply unfold, as it always does. I will make my choices and then I'll learn what I have set in motion for myself.

Having said all that, I am no closer to understanding my reaction to my friends pronouncement than I was when I started writing/thinking about it. Perhaps I have been a Mom too long and am simply projecting all the unspoken fears I have about my little one going out into the world onto my friend.

LOL. So absolutely simple and obvious!

It was probably clear to you from the beginning, so let me apologize for the preceding rambling. I am least transparent to myself.

Well my friends, I hope you will help me weather that particular storm when it does hit. When the time has come for me to think mostly about myself, to make most of my choices with only myself in mind, to send my child off into the wide world, to trust that she will be wonderful on her own.

I've still got a few years to go and I'm already fretting about it.

That may not be such a good sign. :o)