Though there are things to lament in this past year, there are things to celebrate, as well. I remind myself to strive towards my highest possibility and, when I am at my best, that is Love, peace and a Life lived in harmony with the world.
I wish you all a 2008 filled with realized hopes and dreams fulfilled. May your paths be sweet as honey and warm as mother's milk.
Happy New Year!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
A Holiday Message
In a world where Life seems to rush by,
Where time slips
like new shoes on a freshly waxed and beautiful wood floor
and working through fear and regret
can be a full time job,
There is so very much for which to give thanks.
Thanks
For all the small, mundane opportunities to see the bright and laughable side of Life,
For the triumphs and seeming failures,
For the lens that looks back and forward with a panoramic view
- allowing learning rather than judgment,
For the changes that take place so slowly they are hardly recognizable
until a glance in the mirror reminds us that we have come from there to here;
through the sun showers and tsunamis, the droughts and sand storms.
Here, I stand, thankful
For the gentle spirits that lift me up
with their kind words through phone lines,
on these blog pages and hand-in-hand.
Thankful for the joy and Love that only mothers know,
For the balance that accepts that other Loves may not be mine to cherish.
I am bursting full
of thanks
for this breath
and this breath
and the next;
Thankful that you
and I
are Life,
full of possibility;
we are a miniscule bit of a magnificent whole.
Have a wonderful meal.
Where time slips
like new shoes on a freshly waxed and beautiful wood floor
and working through fear and regret
can be a full time job,
There is so very much for which to give thanks.
Thanks
For all the small, mundane opportunities to see the bright and laughable side of Life,
For the triumphs and seeming failures,
For the lens that looks back and forward with a panoramic view
- allowing learning rather than judgment,
For the changes that take place so slowly they are hardly recognizable
until a glance in the mirror reminds us that we have come from there to here;
through the sun showers and tsunamis, the droughts and sand storms.
Here, I stand, thankful
For the gentle spirits that lift me up
with their kind words through phone lines,
on these blog pages and hand-in-hand.
Thankful for the joy and Love that only mothers know,
For the balance that accepts that other Loves may not be mine to cherish.
I am bursting full
of thanks
for this breath
and this breath
and the next;
Thankful that you
and I
are Life,
full of possibility;
we are a miniscule bit of a magnificent whole.
Have a wonderful meal.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Stop the Violence
There was an email circulating, not too long ago, that asked those who wanted to stop violence against women of color to wear red, on Oct. 31. I forwarded that email to a number of friends of both genders and varying skin hues. A couple of days later I got a sound thrashing from a dear friend of mine. She rightly and not so gently reminded me that violence against women knows no preference for color.
As if it were a precursor, I find myself, after months of not coming here, writing to express my heart ache, rage, fear and my sense of powerlessness over such violence. I do not understand, in my head or my heart, how humans can be so utterly cruel to one another. This week, it is the battered face of a friend that turns my mind round and round. But, I have been here before.
My mother, fearful, intimidated and controlled. Friends, neighbors and co-workers have walked this path. How is it that this horror can go on and on and on? How is it that abusers can keep us so quiet? Not just the family involved, but all of us who know that she's had one too many accidents. Or, those of us who hear the screams and cries through the apartment walls. Even when we know it's happening, when we see the impact on the children and of course on the woman herself we still maintain our silence.
I have stood in this place so many times, too many times. My friend escaped with her Life and now has choices to make that may prove to be overwhelming. Choices that may keep her safe or choices that may literally put her in harms way. She must choose to Love herself after years of subjugating herself to her abuser. She must choose freedom after years of oppression. She must choose to let go of the dream that one day her husband will stop hurting her and start Loving her. And like an addict, she must make that choice over and over again; one day at a time, one moment after the next.
I am so afraid for her and for her children. Afraid for all of the women and children who run in the dark of night to new cities, with new names. I am angry that some men find their power through the abuse of the people who Love them. Who are we humans? Why do we exist? What is the point of all this pain and horror?
I went to South Carolina with my child a few weeks ago and I admitted to her that I don't really trust people. More to the point, though I didn't say this to her, is that I don't trust men to respect me or care for me or treat me fairly. I don't believe in the humanity of my fellow human beings. Frankly, people disappoint and frighten me.
And, when I hear the pain, indignity and rawness of abuse in the Life of someone whom I respect and I know there is not much that I can do to help her, I get this constricted feeling in my lungs. It feels like crying without the release of tears; it feels heavy and deep, like something is lost that cannot be found.
In this United Stated of America, a woman is beaten every 9 seconds by a man. An average of 3 women are murdered in this country every day (by a partner or an ex-) and 1/2 million women are being stalked by men they know as you read this. We are so self-righteous about the status and treatment of women in other countries, perhaps we need to be more honest about what happens between men and women in our own homes, towns and cities.
I'm not sure how I'm going to move through this. I'm starting with volunteering for a local support center that works to end domestic violence. It's what I can do.
And to you, my friends, I apologize for staying away for so long and returning with such a burden.
As if it were a precursor, I find myself, after months of not coming here, writing to express my heart ache, rage, fear and my sense of powerlessness over such violence. I do not understand, in my head or my heart, how humans can be so utterly cruel to one another. This week, it is the battered face of a friend that turns my mind round and round. But, I have been here before.
My mother, fearful, intimidated and controlled. Friends, neighbors and co-workers have walked this path. How is it that this horror can go on and on and on? How is it that abusers can keep us so quiet? Not just the family involved, but all of us who know that she's had one too many accidents. Or, those of us who hear the screams and cries through the apartment walls. Even when we know it's happening, when we see the impact on the children and of course on the woman herself we still maintain our silence.
I have stood in this place so many times, too many times. My friend escaped with her Life and now has choices to make that may prove to be overwhelming. Choices that may keep her safe or choices that may literally put her in harms way. She must choose to Love herself after years of subjugating herself to her abuser. She must choose freedom after years of oppression. She must choose to let go of the dream that one day her husband will stop hurting her and start Loving her. And like an addict, she must make that choice over and over again; one day at a time, one moment after the next.
I am so afraid for her and for her children. Afraid for all of the women and children who run in the dark of night to new cities, with new names. I am angry that some men find their power through the abuse of the people who Love them. Who are we humans? Why do we exist? What is the point of all this pain and horror?
I went to South Carolina with my child a few weeks ago and I admitted to her that I don't really trust people. More to the point, though I didn't say this to her, is that I don't trust men to respect me or care for me or treat me fairly. I don't believe in the humanity of my fellow human beings. Frankly, people disappoint and frighten me.
And, when I hear the pain, indignity and rawness of abuse in the Life of someone whom I respect and I know there is not much that I can do to help her, I get this constricted feeling in my lungs. It feels like crying without the release of tears; it feels heavy and deep, like something is lost that cannot be found.
In this United Stated of America, a woman is beaten every 9 seconds by a man. An average of 3 women are murdered in this country every day (by a partner or an ex-) and 1/2 million women are being stalked by men they know as you read this. We are so self-righteous about the status and treatment of women in other countries, perhaps we need to be more honest about what happens between men and women in our own homes, towns and cities.
I'm not sure how I'm going to move through this. I'm starting with volunteering for a local support center that works to end domestic violence. It's what I can do.
And to you, my friends, I apologize for staying away for so long and returning with such a burden.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Not too much to report.
School starts next week, the womanchild gets back from Orlando tomorrow night and work is still in high gear. Had a good conversation with the boss about promotions and such. We'll see if there is enough follow through to get me my well deserved prize.
I cleaned out my garage on Saturday - give me a cheer!!! It was so full of old clothes, papers, wood, carpet, books and general trash that it took 4 hours of sorting and 3 strong men to load it up and cart it away. But now, when Mom and I pull into the driveway it is like our own little bit of heaven. Nothing to bang our shins upon or snag a sandaled toe. Just open and empty garage space - such small things bring enormous pleasure.
On another note, I've started watching The Closer the past few weeks. Tonight, the man our heroine loves has asked her to marry him. It was such a sweet and well timed proposal I've got tears in my eyes. I do wonder why, craggy as I am, I still hope for Love that is romantic and sweet.
I'd have thought that I would have given up on all that Hallmark induced madness by the ripe old age of 50. But, try as I might to extinguish it, my heart still sparks and warms at the idea that there is a man who would understand, Love and care for me with abandon. I wonder what that's all about - real possibility or the last vestiges of mass hypnosis /socialization/
brainwashing?
Shift/change - I decided to expand my horizons and went to a Buddist meditation recently. Wasn't my first time ever, but the first since arriving in the bible-belted south. It was wonderful and I felt right at home. Funny how one spiritual practice seems to come more naturally than another. I appreciated the time I spent studying the bible (becasue I never really understood the teaching before coming down here), but it doesn't really feel like my path.
Well, that's it for me folks. Be very well each and every day.
School starts next week, the womanchild gets back from Orlando tomorrow night and work is still in high gear. Had a good conversation with the boss about promotions and such. We'll see if there is enough follow through to get me my well deserved prize.
I cleaned out my garage on Saturday - give me a cheer!!! It was so full of old clothes, papers, wood, carpet, books and general trash that it took 4 hours of sorting and 3 strong men to load it up and cart it away. But now, when Mom and I pull into the driveway it is like our own little bit of heaven. Nothing to bang our shins upon or snag a sandaled toe. Just open and empty garage space - such small things bring enormous pleasure.
On another note, I've started watching The Closer the past few weeks. Tonight, the man our heroine loves has asked her to marry him. It was such a sweet and well timed proposal I've got tears in my eyes. I do wonder why, craggy as I am, I still hope for Love that is romantic and sweet.
I'd have thought that I would have given up on all that Hallmark induced madness by the ripe old age of 50. But, try as I might to extinguish it, my heart still sparks and warms at the idea that there is a man who would understand, Love and care for me with abandon. I wonder what that's all about - real possibility or the last vestiges of mass hypnosis /socialization/
brainwashing?
Shift/change - I decided to expand my horizons and went to a Buddist meditation recently. Wasn't my first time ever, but the first since arriving in the bible-belted south. It was wonderful and I felt right at home. Funny how one spiritual practice seems to come more naturally than another. I appreciated the time I spent studying the bible (becasue I never really understood the teaching before coming down here), but it doesn't really feel like my path.
Well, that's it for me folks. Be very well each and every day.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Good vs. Evil
I had thought that I would write long before now. Life seems to have carried me along in other directions. I've been having a great time though - Beyonce's concert (with Robin Thicke) which was wonderful from start to finish. What an entertainer! Though, I must admit, I never thought much of her before. I bought tics because I new the womanchild would enjoy it and, it turned out to be a great and joyful surprise.
I have finished the latest Harry Potter but will not give away the ending for those who might still be reading. The womanchild and I stood on line for our copies and have been hungrily reading all weekend. Classic stuff, these books will be read for generations. I'm already planning to re-read the entire series.
Good vs. evil, like everyday Life we struggle against the evil within and without - though I have only recently begun to acknowledge that evil exists. Just part of my make-up to want to believe only in good. I suppose that is why Harry has captured my attention so deeply. Who will win?
I know, but I'm not telling...
I have finished the latest Harry Potter but will not give away the ending for those who might still be reading. The womanchild and I stood on line for our copies and have been hungrily reading all weekend. Classic stuff, these books will be read for generations. I'm already planning to re-read the entire series.
Good vs. evil, like everyday Life we struggle against the evil within and without - though I have only recently begun to acknowledge that evil exists. Just part of my make-up to want to believe only in good. I suppose that is why Harry has captured my attention so deeply. Who will win?
I know, but I'm not telling...
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Stumble Upon
As the title suggests I stumbled upon something this weekend - a very interesting web concept called StumbleUpon. You sign up, load the toolbar and tell the search engine your interests. It then delivers to you, with a click of your mouse, an amazing trail of websites. I played games, found recipes, viewed some of the most incredible photos and read beautiful poetry. In fact, I used all my computer time playing with this tool. Check it out! I've left a link to the right.
Later gators!
Later gators!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
My Summer Fun and Ego Stroke
I am having a great time this week! I'm hanging out with my old business partners running a leadership institute in Indianapolis and I feel fully and completely myself. I'm grounded, in my zone and fully present to the moment at hand. What a gift!
This is the second year I have worked the Institue and I am always awed by the magic created with/by this work. The Institute is for women who have been identified as leaders in a primarily male work environment. These ladies are confident, intelligent and capable. They have the stuff many mothers want for their adult daughters - the ability and skills to lead the full and accomplished life of their choosing.
The ladies represent a spectrum of backgrounds: marital status, age, socio-economic background, sexual orientation, educational institutions - you name it and it's probably represented. They delight my heart and Spirit because I see such beauty and power in them. It is a joy to have those two particular characteristics in combination around me.
They are also good for my sense of self. In the past two days I have been honored for my ability to listen and coach, as an author and as a facilitator. It is so nice to live this part of myself, it's like a vacation!
Gotta run as we are meeting and I'm late. The guys above are Naturally 7 - if you have never heard them, click the arrow and enjoy!
This is the second year I have worked the Institue and I am always awed by the magic created with/by this work. The Institute is for women who have been identified as leaders in a primarily male work environment. These ladies are confident, intelligent and capable. They have the stuff many mothers want for their adult daughters - the ability and skills to lead the full and accomplished life of their choosing.
The ladies represent a spectrum of backgrounds: marital status, age, socio-economic background, sexual orientation, educational institutions - you name it and it's probably represented. They delight my heart and Spirit because I see such beauty and power in them. It is a joy to have those two particular characteristics in combination around me.
They are also good for my sense of self. In the past two days I have been honored for my ability to listen and coach, as an author and as a facilitator. It is so nice to live this part of myself, it's like a vacation!
Gotta run as we are meeting and I'm late. The guys above are Naturally 7 - if you have never heard them, click the arrow and enjoy!
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Summer Starts
Thanks to all who expressed concern re: my blogger friend. I think he is moving forward, but so little is sure. Anyway, he knows he always has a shoulder here.
Life seems to be puttering along. Work is very busy and I am career planning. Lately, it seems that I am being given more exposure and am rising to the occasion. Teammates seek my advice and thank me after they take it. The boss displays new levels of confidence in my abilities. Which, has its good and bad side.
Those of you who have been a friend for a while may understand my mixed feelings when I tell you this next bit of news. It has been announced that the manager who tormented me and enjoyed it has been given her walking papers - rather cruelly, too.
She was not only told she didn't have a job, but was made to host the 8th Annual Big Deal Gathering of Leaders. So, there she was with a smile frozen on her face, shaking hands and trying to be witty when on the microphone. Everyone knew she was out and I heard a few comments that were less than kind.
Now, don't get me wrong, she deserved her exit papers. But, it was still sad to watch another human be brought so low. And, so you know the whole truth, you can also find me with a smile on the edges of my lips when I think about it. There is a sweet satisfaction in witnessing the go around, come around.
With that, summer is progressing nicely. The girl child is playing tennis and then will enjoy soccer and debate camps before the end of the season. Somedays I wish I was in camp. Doesn't that sound nice?
Be well, relax and have a little summer fun for me...
Life seems to be puttering along. Work is very busy and I am career planning. Lately, it seems that I am being given more exposure and am rising to the occasion. Teammates seek my advice and thank me after they take it. The boss displays new levels of confidence in my abilities. Which, has its good and bad side.
Those of you who have been a friend for a while may understand my mixed feelings when I tell you this next bit of news. It has been announced that the manager who tormented me and enjoyed it has been given her walking papers - rather cruelly, too.
She was not only told she didn't have a job, but was made to host the 8th Annual Big Deal Gathering of Leaders. So, there she was with a smile frozen on her face, shaking hands and trying to be witty when on the microphone. Everyone knew she was out and I heard a few comments that were less than kind.
Now, don't get me wrong, she deserved her exit papers. But, it was still sad to watch another human be brought so low. And, so you know the whole truth, you can also find me with a smile on the edges of my lips when I think about it. There is a sweet satisfaction in witnessing the go around, come around.
With that, summer is progressing nicely. The girl child is playing tennis and then will enjoy soccer and debate camps before the end of the season. Somedays I wish I was in camp. Doesn't that sound nice?
Be well, relax and have a little summer fun for me...
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The thing I love about blogging is the way you can connect to people who you may never meet in the flesh, never hold them through their tears or know the sound of their laughter. And yet, you do and know all those things and more; there are so many intimacies that we share with one another until we feel like friends.
When a friend goes off for awhile we are usually happy for them and look forward to hearing their adventure when we visit their space. Maybe it will take a month or two, but we continue to check back (like so many of you have here) and then smile deeply when they drop by or leave a new picture or share some good (or bad) bit in which they are immersed.
So far, I've had the experience of being afraid for two of my blogger friends (at different times); afraid that they are on thinning ice and the heat is turned up. I'm in that state today because a friend's blog reads of chemicals and disappearing and tiredness. When I visit my friend's blog I can feel how tired he is. You know that space that is beyond exhaustion, where everything seems futile? Maybe you don't know, maybe you are lucky, but he's there and I made an unplanned trip to that space once.
There is nothing I can do to support my friend's safety. I have no phone number, no address, no way to drive by and check on him. I'm not even sure where he lives outside of cyberspace.
If he should, by chance, stop by and read this I want him to know that I am thinking of him and sending Love straight to his heart, that it's ok if everything falls apart, sometimes that's what a Life needs. I want this sweet man to know that there is Life on the other side of complete and utter emptiness, on the flip side of loneliness. On this rapidly spinning ball of dirt, we come to know that it's that very dirt that makes up the fertile ground of Life.
Stand up! I want to shout it at him. I want to wake him up and force him to choose Joy. But it doesn't work that way and I know it. So, I just want him to know that I care for him and have him in my thoughts. I am sending all the energy I can to him so he can find his footing on a good path.
When a friend goes off for awhile we are usually happy for them and look forward to hearing their adventure when we visit their space. Maybe it will take a month or two, but we continue to check back (like so many of you have here) and then smile deeply when they drop by or leave a new picture or share some good (or bad) bit in which they are immersed.
So far, I've had the experience of being afraid for two of my blogger friends (at different times); afraid that they are on thinning ice and the heat is turned up. I'm in that state today because a friend's blog reads of chemicals and disappearing and tiredness. When I visit my friend's blog I can feel how tired he is. You know that space that is beyond exhaustion, where everything seems futile? Maybe you don't know, maybe you are lucky, but he's there and I made an unplanned trip to that space once.
There is nothing I can do to support my friend's safety. I have no phone number, no address, no way to drive by and check on him. I'm not even sure where he lives outside of cyberspace.
If he should, by chance, stop by and read this I want him to know that I am thinking of him and sending Love straight to his heart, that it's ok if everything falls apart, sometimes that's what a Life needs. I want this sweet man to know that there is Life on the other side of complete and utter emptiness, on the flip side of loneliness. On this rapidly spinning ball of dirt, we come to know that it's that very dirt that makes up the fertile ground of Life.
Stand up! I want to shout it at him. I want to wake him up and force him to choose Joy. But it doesn't work that way and I know it. So, I just want him to know that I care for him and have him in my thoughts. I am sending all the energy I can to him so he can find his footing on a good path.
r ddeisyf chan 'm asgre atat 'm anwylyd
The wish of my heart to you 'm anwylyd'
The wish of my heart to you 'm anwylyd'
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Life Keeps Moving
I realize my complaining sounded far too serious, when I really meant it to be more comical. When I wrote my last entry I was rushing and just wanted to say hey. I had NO idea it would take so long to get back here.
But, here I am. Stuff, as always, is happening. Here are some highlights:
The girl child is 13 in a couple of days. I have a hosts of surprises in store for her and keeping the secrets are just about making me burst! Gift cards to her favorite stores, Beyonce concert tickets and a few other trinkets. Then there's the big party, which we're planning together. Fun, fun, fun!
School is just about out and, once again, I'm a very proud Mom. All the fuss and expense for her birthday is her bonus for doing an incredible job. She worked so hard; this school year was filled with sweat and tears and she proved she was up to the task of excelling in 7th grade. She would have done well without trying so hard, but she was intent on doing her best. I hope she carries that with her forever.
My home has been descended upon by family. Good people (my 1st cousin's daughter and her family), but there are more of them than there are of us and quarters are feeling cramped and I am getting grumpy. They operate out of a different sense of rules around childrearing and housekeeping. So, we have regular long talks (where I do most of the talking) and work at co-existing in a space that is not large enough. It's also odd because we have not had a man living in our space for such an extended period of time. The whole appropriate clothing thing is getting old.
As I understand it, they have found a place and, after 8 weeks will be moving on. I think that will be good for everyone. Then they can drop by for dinner and we can stop by their place to see the kids and the tension of trying to create a home, with family that you do not really know, will be lifted.
Work is in its busiest period. In some ways that's good. I always get to learn more during these times because everyone needs to work with the person who can get the job done. And, that would be me.
I've started studying for the GREs and will likely take a course early this fall.
As for all of you, I have missed you a lot. I'll take some time this week to cruise by and smile at you. Love you!
But, here I am. Stuff, as always, is happening. Here are some highlights:
The girl child is 13 in a couple of days. I have a hosts of surprises in store for her and keeping the secrets are just about making me burst! Gift cards to her favorite stores, Beyonce concert tickets and a few other trinkets. Then there's the big party, which we're planning together. Fun, fun, fun!
School is just about out and, once again, I'm a very proud Mom. All the fuss and expense for her birthday is her bonus for doing an incredible job. She worked so hard; this school year was filled with sweat and tears and she proved she was up to the task of excelling in 7th grade. She would have done well without trying so hard, but she was intent on doing her best. I hope she carries that with her forever.
My home has been descended upon by family. Good people (my 1st cousin's daughter and her family), but there are more of them than there are of us and quarters are feeling cramped and I am getting grumpy. They operate out of a different sense of rules around childrearing and housekeeping. So, we have regular long talks (where I do most of the talking) and work at co-existing in a space that is not large enough. It's also odd because we have not had a man living in our space for such an extended period of time. The whole appropriate clothing thing is getting old.
As I understand it, they have found a place and, after 8 weeks will be moving on. I think that will be good for everyone. Then they can drop by for dinner and we can stop by their place to see the kids and the tension of trying to create a home, with family that you do not really know, will be lifted.
Work is in its busiest period. In some ways that's good. I always get to learn more during these times because everyone needs to work with the person who can get the job done. And, that would be me.
I've started studying for the GREs and will likely take a course early this fall.
As for all of you, I have missed you a lot. I'll take some time this week to cruise by and smile at you. Love you!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
URRRGH!!!!!
My love affair with blogger has now ended.
I tried to post and got kicked out, just as I was publishing. Turns out all these blog hosts are the same - making promises they can't keep, lulling you into a false sense of security, luring you in with lots of pretty bells and whistles and then - BAM! Lost words, ideas and a bit of your story, all gone.
I feel so used...
I'm volunteering just about every waking hour this weekend, but I'll try to recreate the thought and feeling later this week.
Love and Peace to you all...
Gayle
I tried to post and got kicked out, just as I was publishing. Turns out all these blog hosts are the same - making promises they can't keep, lulling you into a false sense of security, luring you in with lots of pretty bells and whistles and then - BAM! Lost words, ideas and a bit of your story, all gone.
I feel so used...
I'm volunteering just about every waking hour this weekend, but I'll try to recreate the thought and feeling later this week.
Love and Peace to you all...
Gayle
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Choosing Joy
It's official; after much thought, prayer and opening of my heart, it's decided. we (Mom, my baby girl and I) will all stay put. For the past few years I have felt imprisoned. Stuck and held back by circumstance and those I Love.
For a brief moment it seemed as if I had figured it all out. Back to school, moving, complete new lifestyle and all would be well. But, as I have always known, the truest changes happen from the inside out.
The first half of my adulthood found me moving every 3-4 years. I enjoyed a change of venue, it gave me a sense of adventure and progress. It helped to be single with my whole life seemingly ahead of me. And I've been wanting to recapture that sense of myself; to feel as if the possibilities are endless.
What I have discovered, is that there are endless possibilities and some of them are not as good as others. After years of making every decision in the best interest of my child, I wanted to get back to thinking more and more of myself; to be free of the constraints of making Life good for others. Now, that idea seems steeped in a very narrow vision of possibilities.
If you have been reading with some consistency, you may remember that I have been practicing focusing my attention on the now. It is that focus that has changed me. Much of my desire to change everything came from my discomfort with what is - my current Life. Confronting that notion, by considering the damage that might be done to Mom by my picking up and changing everything, has made me realize that everything can be changed from anywhere.
What needs changing in my Life are things that a new home or city cannot make happen, though it . They are the slow, process changes that require commitment. I have often had trouble keeping the commitments I make to myself. But, in the end, that is all that is required - to do those things that I know will change my Life in good ways.
Like walking up a steep and endless hill, progress seems inconsequential. But turning to look behind me, I can see the ground I have covered and it renews me. Stopping to feel the sun on my face, the soft breeze and the beauty that surrounds me daily, renews me further. I am exercising, making home improvements, paying off debt and improving my financial condition, flirting for fun, volunteering and smiling, now, in this present moment because my Life is good. Loving and caring for others eliminates some possibilities and creates others.
So, I won't reach after the sexy loft condo or send my Mom off to live in another state. I'm here and I choose to feel Joy - to Live out the possibility of happiness regardless of the external circumstances. It feels really good, surprisingly so.
May all your days be filled with joy.
For a brief moment it seemed as if I had figured it all out. Back to school, moving, complete new lifestyle and all would be well. But, as I have always known, the truest changes happen from the inside out.
The first half of my adulthood found me moving every 3-4 years. I enjoyed a change of venue, it gave me a sense of adventure and progress. It helped to be single with my whole life seemingly ahead of me. And I've been wanting to recapture that sense of myself; to feel as if the possibilities are endless.
What I have discovered, is that there are endless possibilities and some of them are not as good as others. After years of making every decision in the best interest of my child, I wanted to get back to thinking more and more of myself; to be free of the constraints of making Life good for others. Now, that idea seems steeped in a very narrow vision of possibilities.
If you have been reading with some consistency, you may remember that I have been practicing focusing my attention on the now. It is that focus that has changed me. Much of my desire to change everything came from my discomfort with what is - my current Life. Confronting that notion, by considering the damage that might be done to Mom by my picking up and changing everything, has made me realize that everything can be changed from anywhere.
What needs changing in my Life are things that a new home or city cannot make happen, though it . They are the slow, process changes that require commitment. I have often had trouble keeping the commitments I make to myself. But, in the end, that is all that is required - to do those things that I know will change my Life in good ways.
Like walking up a steep and endless hill, progress seems inconsequential. But turning to look behind me, I can see the ground I have covered and it renews me. Stopping to feel the sun on my face, the soft breeze and the beauty that surrounds me daily, renews me further. I am exercising, making home improvements, paying off debt and improving my financial condition, flirting for fun, volunteering and smiling, now, in this present moment because my Life is good. Loving and caring for others eliminates some possibilities and creates others.
So, I won't reach after the sexy loft condo or send my Mom off to live in another state. I'm here and I choose to feel Joy - to Live out the possibility of happiness regardless of the external circumstances. It feels really good, surprisingly so.
May all your days be filled with joy.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Change Can Be Tricky or What's A Daughter To Do?
Yesterday, in a conversation with Mom, I realized how stressed out she is. It seemed that she was taking the whole going to live with my brother in stride and actually looking forward to it. Now, I am not so sure and it concerns me, greatly.
The most difficult thing about all this is that I find it very hard to converse with Mom. She is usually angry with me or, at least appears to be. So, having a conversation about a big Life-changing event is fraught with misunderstanding, lack of clarity and defensiveness - and that's just on my end.
At almost 82, a big move could be very funky and I don't want to precipitate a downward spiral for her. The thing is, I have a need for change and growth. If you've read through my posts, you know that I've been writing about this for awhile. I think I am getting clearer on the what's, and the how's of this change I am making.
I've decided to go back to school, stay steady with the job, make eating and exercise changes and find a new living environment. It would be great to move into the city and be around a few more single people, closer to work, use public transportation (and get some unscheduled exercise), live near my daughter's school and friends - all that would be great. I'm tired of the suburban Life, I thought it would be perfect for the little one, but she's no longer little and it doesn't feed my Spirit.
I am, however, concerned about the cost to Mom.
I don't have any answers for this right now. I suppose it will take a few more difficult conversations and open-hearted prayer to work this out. I'm breathing, I'm breathing...
The most difficult thing about all this is that I find it very hard to converse with Mom. She is usually angry with me or, at least appears to be. So, having a conversation about a big Life-changing event is fraught with misunderstanding, lack of clarity and defensiveness - and that's just on my end.
At almost 82, a big move could be very funky and I don't want to precipitate a downward spiral for her. The thing is, I have a need for change and growth. If you've read through my posts, you know that I've been writing about this for awhile. I think I am getting clearer on the what's, and the how's of this change I am making.
I've decided to go back to school, stay steady with the job, make eating and exercise changes and find a new living environment. It would be great to move into the city and be around a few more single people, closer to work, use public transportation (and get some unscheduled exercise), live near my daughter's school and friends - all that would be great. I'm tired of the suburban Life, I thought it would be perfect for the little one, but she's no longer little and it doesn't feed my Spirit.
I am, however, concerned about the cost to Mom.
I don't have any answers for this right now. I suppose it will take a few more difficult conversations and open-hearted prayer to work this out. I'm breathing, I'm breathing...
Monday, March 12, 2007
When No Means No
David was certainly right in one respect - according to several folks on the interview panel, every applicant checked the requisite boxes and only one had the related experience. That one will be my new team lead.
I had some mixed feelings about this; she's about 15 years younger and, while bright, will need a good deal of support to get the job done. I'll certainly rise to the occasion and help her adjust.
I learned a few things about myself as I walked through this experience. I didn't really want that job. I haven't really wanted a job with this outfit for as long as I've been here. Initially, it was because the loss of my business wounded me deeply, then it was the boss from hell whom I swear sat up nights thinking of dramatic ways she could torture me.
Lately, though, in this department I've been a part of for a year now, it hasn't been bad. I've had a chance to breathe, use my mind and be creative. I've been appreciated for my work and that has had a healing effect. I've learned a great deal about people and how they work/break apart/stir up mess/and generally act like fallible human beings. I've learned a great deal about myself and my susceptibility to go along with the emotional crowd. When I am operating in a weakened mode (fearful of the future and angry about the past) I forget myself and take part in all the ways of being I dislike. I gossip and criticize, bitch and moan, whine and complain - yechh!
This new job would have meant more money, more responsiblity and more ability to influence the world around me. I want all these things. So, it was a mild surprise to discover that once I saw the carrot up close I would, in my own unconscious style, say no to it. I kept telling myself what a good opportunity it was, but I was never excited about the work. Some part of me was whispering that there is something more, some place to stand that has a completeness to it, that is a truer reflection of the Gayle that I am.
My Spirit said "no" long before my mind could wrap itself around the idea. I had to re-do the application 4 times before I realized that skipping parts and and leaving out vital information might be more than mere oversight. How did I get so far away from my dreams and desires? I'd been so far away that even a pallid facsimile of my deepest wishes seemed good enough.
There is a part of me that worries about what my Life will be like if I don't take the safe course. But, I'm having a feeling similar to the one I had when I left Wall St. There is something calling me that I cannot ignore, a path that I am compelled to walk.
It has already started and will continue with school - much as I cringe at the commitment of time, there's a PhD in my future. I'm going to try not to relocate, but in the end it will depend on which program accepts me. All this is scheduled for fall of 2008 - not very far away, by my vision, and there is so much to do between here and there.
I'll tell more as it unfolds, but there are wings I haven't used in a while and flying seems the only way forward.
Spring is a wonderful time, don't you think???
I had some mixed feelings about this; she's about 15 years younger and, while bright, will need a good deal of support to get the job done. I'll certainly rise to the occasion and help her adjust.
I learned a few things about myself as I walked through this experience. I didn't really want that job. I haven't really wanted a job with this outfit for as long as I've been here. Initially, it was because the loss of my business wounded me deeply, then it was the boss from hell whom I swear sat up nights thinking of dramatic ways she could torture me.
Lately, though, in this department I've been a part of for a year now, it hasn't been bad. I've had a chance to breathe, use my mind and be creative. I've been appreciated for my work and that has had a healing effect. I've learned a great deal about people and how they work/break apart/stir up mess/and generally act like fallible human beings. I've learned a great deal about myself and my susceptibility to go along with the emotional crowd. When I am operating in a weakened mode (fearful of the future and angry about the past) I forget myself and take part in all the ways of being I dislike. I gossip and criticize, bitch and moan, whine and complain - yechh!
This new job would have meant more money, more responsiblity and more ability to influence the world around me. I want all these things. So, it was a mild surprise to discover that once I saw the carrot up close I would, in my own unconscious style, say no to it. I kept telling myself what a good opportunity it was, but I was never excited about the work. Some part of me was whispering that there is something more, some place to stand that has a completeness to it, that is a truer reflection of the Gayle that I am.
My Spirit said "no" long before my mind could wrap itself around the idea. I had to re-do the application 4 times before I realized that skipping parts and and leaving out vital information might be more than mere oversight. How did I get so far away from my dreams and desires? I'd been so far away that even a pallid facsimile of my deepest wishes seemed good enough.
There is a part of me that worries about what my Life will be like if I don't take the safe course. But, I'm having a feeling similar to the one I had when I left Wall St. There is something calling me that I cannot ignore, a path that I am compelled to walk.
It has already started and will continue with school - much as I cringe at the commitment of time, there's a PhD in my future. I'm going to try not to relocate, but in the end it will depend on which program accepts me. All this is scheduled for fall of 2008 - not very far away, by my vision, and there is so much to do between here and there.
I'll tell more as it unfolds, but there are wings I haven't used in a while and flying seems the only way forward.
Spring is a wonderful time, don't you think???
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Life Is Enough
Sipping on a Starbuck's Mocha, I am working through an emotional upheaval. A promotion at work has been talked about for a couple of months now. It entails my applying for the particular position, being selected by the automated HR system as a candidate and then interviewing. My boss would really like for me to get it; I would really like to get it. The automated system doesn't think I'm qualified.
Yesterday, an HR rep explained to me what was needed in my app to qualify me, my boss told me to get it done. I sat at my computer and remembered an old set of job responsibilities I had not put on my current resume. They surfaced as I thought about a client I worked with for about 6 years. I can stretch those skills, I thought, to fit this job.
And that's what I did; quickly accessing an old resume I attached the narrative to the automated file and checked off the needed boxes and submitted. Done. I would now be selected by the system.
On the ride home however, I began to think about what had just taken place and my insides started to get queasy and I was immediately thrown off balance. Did the experience I had really fit with the requirements? I needed to think about it and I hadn't. I called my boss to let him know that it was done, but that I was going to make changes because I had been hasty in my submission. I called the HR rep as well. Still, I was queasy, and I'll be honest and say why. Because there was a part of me (not so small a part) that wanted to just leave it as it was. It would get me what I wanted, right? Maybe.
Driving to my child's soccer game this morning, I thought about that - about how easy it can be to just stretch the truth into a lie. I haven't had a lot of tolerance when I've seen it in others, but the reality of facing it in myself changed some of that, I think. Suddenly, I got the whole weapons of mass destruction strategy. I mean what was riding on that stretch of the truth? Being able to best George, Sr, giving America a victory, carving a good, strong name for oneself in the history books, lining the coffers of your political base and/or getting the scoundrel who slipped out of your Dad's grasp are probably some or all of the motivations for the stretch of truth that turned into the big lie.
And now I get it. It's an easy trap to fall into. Luckily, I hung in and thought about my role and responsibilities with the organization in question. I realized that in one category I really did not have the experience I claimed. I went online and changed my submission to reflect that truth and the queasiness got worse.
This time I realized my funky stomach was tied to potentially losing something I wanted, to having to suffer the frustration of my boss when he realizes that I (more than likely) will not be selected by the system for an interview, to not being able to clear my debt and buy all the things I've been dreaming of for the past few months.
HOLD UP! Wait a minute! And now, like never before I get present moment thinking and living. Trapped by time, my mind created this horror of consequences. Consequences from the unconscious action of submitting my experience without thinking it through. Then, I imagined the consequences of removing the experience from my application. But, none of those consequences has actually happened. Maybe they will, maybe not. It doesn't really matter. They're not happening NOW.
Right now, I have done what I believe to be the right thing. I think I have also learned something from the experience. Two checks in the "good for me" column.
While the mind links things together (like getting a promotion and clearing my debts), the spiritual reality of Life (as I know it to be true) is that these things are not necessarily linked. There are an infinite number of circumstances that can afford me the release of my debt. From changing my own thoughts about money and the behaviors that result (both of which I am working on) to the possibility of job offers I don't know of yet, there are many, many ways this can work out.
Two blogger friends have reminded me of that lately, Edie (whose space is private, so no link is published here) and David (who's Not Quite There Yet - see links to right). I don't think either would mind if I briefly described my take on their circumstances.
Edie, thoughtful, encouraging and a caretaker, has had enormous change in her Life during the past 18 months. An escalating mortgage (don't believe the low variable APR hype) caused her and her husband to give up the home they had cherished. Then, not long after moving into a townhome, they were told they had to move because the homes were being torn down. Rugs were literally being pulled out from under them left and right.
Yesterday (don't you just Love the timing?), I read on Edie's blog that she and her husband had just marked off the land for a new home they are about to build and for which they have received financing. A brand new home, built the way they want it, on land they appreciate and value because it is family land. How amazing is Life?, I ask you. Life is not linear, there are no fixed routes.
David has been wanting to relocate so he is closer to his piece of land (from Alabama to New York State) and retirement. For the past year or so, I have read on his blog about interviews and dashed hopes. No luck with this or that job, recruiters who lie, companies that simply don't believe he has the IT experience on his resume (cause he's a mature man, not a 30 something fast tracker). At one point he actually accepted a position (signed documents to that effect), resigned from his job and relocated to be told on his first day that there was no job - oops!
Through all this, not without frustration and anger, David kept plugging away. Need I say that he is now much closer to his home in NY, in a new job that he seems to like (though for David, like may be a strong word) and working towards his plan of retirement?
These folk help me understand that the circumstance and the path are not my concern. Where I am headed and my focus on the steps in front of me are all I need to manage. What is the next thing, the best thing to do now and now and now. That's it. Life will unfold and I will Be in it. That's all I can do and that is wonderfully, magically enough.
Love to you all...
Gayle
Yesterday, an HR rep explained to me what was needed in my app to qualify me, my boss told me to get it done. I sat at my computer and remembered an old set of job responsibilities I had not put on my current resume. They surfaced as I thought about a client I worked with for about 6 years. I can stretch those skills, I thought, to fit this job.
And that's what I did; quickly accessing an old resume I attached the narrative to the automated file and checked off the needed boxes and submitted. Done. I would now be selected by the system.
On the ride home however, I began to think about what had just taken place and my insides started to get queasy and I was immediately thrown off balance. Did the experience I had really fit with the requirements? I needed to think about it and I hadn't. I called my boss to let him know that it was done, but that I was going to make changes because I had been hasty in my submission. I called the HR rep as well. Still, I was queasy, and I'll be honest and say why. Because there was a part of me (not so small a part) that wanted to just leave it as it was. It would get me what I wanted, right? Maybe.
Driving to my child's soccer game this morning, I thought about that - about how easy it can be to just stretch the truth into a lie. I haven't had a lot of tolerance when I've seen it in others, but the reality of facing it in myself changed some of that, I think. Suddenly, I got the whole weapons of mass destruction strategy. I mean what was riding on that stretch of the truth? Being able to best George, Sr, giving America a victory, carving a good, strong name for oneself in the history books, lining the coffers of your political base and/or getting the scoundrel who slipped out of your Dad's grasp are probably some or all of the motivations for the stretch of truth that turned into the big lie.
And now I get it. It's an easy trap to fall into. Luckily, I hung in and thought about my role and responsibilities with the organization in question. I realized that in one category I really did not have the experience I claimed. I went online and changed my submission to reflect that truth and the queasiness got worse.
This time I realized my funky stomach was tied to potentially losing something I wanted, to having to suffer the frustration of my boss when he realizes that I (more than likely) will not be selected by the system for an interview, to not being able to clear my debt and buy all the things I've been dreaming of for the past few months.
HOLD UP! Wait a minute! And now, like never before I get present moment thinking and living. Trapped by time, my mind created this horror of consequences. Consequences from the unconscious action of submitting my experience without thinking it through. Then, I imagined the consequences of removing the experience from my application. But, none of those consequences has actually happened. Maybe they will, maybe not. It doesn't really matter. They're not happening NOW.
Right now, I have done what I believe to be the right thing. I think I have also learned something from the experience. Two checks in the "good for me" column.
While the mind links things together (like getting a promotion and clearing my debts), the spiritual reality of Life (as I know it to be true) is that these things are not necessarily linked. There are an infinite number of circumstances that can afford me the release of my debt. From changing my own thoughts about money and the behaviors that result (both of which I am working on) to the possibility of job offers I don't know of yet, there are many, many ways this can work out.
Two blogger friends have reminded me of that lately, Edie (whose space is private, so no link is published here) and David (who's Not Quite There Yet - see links to right). I don't think either would mind if I briefly described my take on their circumstances.
Edie, thoughtful, encouraging and a caretaker, has had enormous change in her Life during the past 18 months. An escalating mortgage (don't believe the low variable APR hype) caused her and her husband to give up the home they had cherished. Then, not long after moving into a townhome, they were told they had to move because the homes were being torn down. Rugs were literally being pulled out from under them left and right.
Yesterday (don't you just Love the timing?), I read on Edie's blog that she and her husband had just marked off the land for a new home they are about to build and for which they have received financing. A brand new home, built the way they want it, on land they appreciate and value because it is family land. How amazing is Life?, I ask you. Life is not linear, there are no fixed routes.
David has been wanting to relocate so he is closer to his piece of land (from Alabama to New York State) and retirement. For the past year or so, I have read on his blog about interviews and dashed hopes. No luck with this or that job, recruiters who lie, companies that simply don't believe he has the IT experience on his resume (cause he's a mature man, not a 30 something fast tracker). At one point he actually accepted a position (signed documents to that effect), resigned from his job and relocated to be told on his first day that there was no job - oops!
Through all this, not without frustration and anger, David kept plugging away. Need I say that he is now much closer to his home in NY, in a new job that he seems to like (though for David, like may be a strong word) and working towards his plan of retirement?
These folk help me understand that the circumstance and the path are not my concern. Where I am headed and my focus on the steps in front of me are all I need to manage. What is the next thing, the best thing to do now and now and now. That's it. Life will unfold and I will Be in it. That's all I can do and that is wonderfully, magically enough.
Love to you all...
Gayle
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles
As I Live more and more in the present moment (by simply being mindful of it) I find my attention is on what I have, not what I lack. I have decided to start each day naming 5 things for which I am grateful. Today's list of things for which I am grateful:
- The Love of my child who is such a beautiful Spirit and who expresses her Love and care for me daily.
- The Love of my mother, which is fierce and unwavering.
- My home, which is comfortable and rests on land which is alive and vibrant.
- My work, which requires that I use my mind in ways I had long put away.
- The new balance I have acquired through the opening of my heart.
This week's movie is "Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles". It is a story that is complex and yet simple, too. About a quiet and intense Japanese fisherman who attempts to make amends with his estranged son by filming an opera performance. I enjoyed it for it's window into Chinese (yes, I know I said he was Japanese, stay with me) culture and for this story of a man who is learning about himself, Love and melting the ice around his heart.
I have believed for a very long time that we attract what we need/desire to us. This is not difficult, but a matter of course, a natural occurrence. As I observe my mental perspectives, I can see that the themes of the film have been recent themes in my own thought patterns. Melting the ice around my heart melt, for example. For some time now, I have been an odd combination of warmth and, simultaneously, chill. I'm not quite sure how this will change, though I believe it will. I am content to simply be mindful of breathing more and more heart into my words and actions and allowing the change to unfold.
I hope your Saturday is brilliant and whatever seeming obstacles crop up provide some laughter and golden moments for you.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day
For years I have been jealous of couples on Valentine's Day. "Where is mine?" I would think as roses were delivered to the office or co-workers talked about the wonderful things they would do with their partners, later that evening.
This year, I am oddly liberated from my past frustrations, wishes, anxiety and fear. I am happy to hear about all the joy that others will find on the day of Love. My two old flames are both dating new women and I am happy for them, too. Gone is the constricted heart that arose everytime I thought one of them might find happiness with someone else. These days, I wish them happiness - all that they can find.
As for me, I have ceased trying to figure things out and that has become a comfort of untold magnitude! I was not very good at deciphering Life's roadsigns, anyway. Few of my plans came to fruition (though the ones that did have been great and magnificent gifts) and so many things I had not even considered became real. Through it all, I have become Gayle. Peeling back layers, peeking into mirrors, learning to Love what I see. Embracing Life; like a baby learning to walk, I stumble. Then, I get up and try again.
You know, I am starting to understand what it really means to have abundance; to be free from want and lack. It doesn't mean that there aren't things or circumstances that I desire, because I think as a human I am wired to desire. But, it means I am comfortable with the ambiguity, the uncertainty, the chaos of Life. It means I trust Life, not to be perfect, but to be alive, energized, full of possibility, at all times.
Remembering that I am a living manifestation of Spirit makes it easy to trust as Life unfolds. When I thought I had to manage everything, keep everything under control, I found myself stressed and turning to my habitual behaviors to keep me from going under. These past few weeks I have been short-circuiting that circular, negative and unproductive thinking and have found it easier to live the lifestyle I know is best for me.
I've been exercising, drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. I have not obtained perfect balance, but that's a judgment, after all, isn't it? What I am really after is more Joy in each day, each hour, each moment. I am finding it, little by little.
Even though I knew in my head that another human being couldn't make me happy, I am beginning to understand with my heart and soul why this is true. I have to be happy in order to be happy with someone else. And, truthfully, I have tended to see (and anticipate) Life's disappointments with far more clarity than its opportunities.
But, that is all in the past. Right now, in this moment I am sharing my secrets with my friends in blogland and I am happy. I am alive, I am at peace, I am full of wonder, learning and Joy. Right now, and now, and now. Tomorrow will take care of itself and yesterday was only a dream. This moment is my Life and I give thanks for it.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours! May every one of you be filled with complete and perfect Love, from the inside out.
This year, I am oddly liberated from my past frustrations, wishes, anxiety and fear. I am happy to hear about all the joy that others will find on the day of Love. My two old flames are both dating new women and I am happy for them, too. Gone is the constricted heart that arose everytime I thought one of them might find happiness with someone else. These days, I wish them happiness - all that they can find.
As for me, I have ceased trying to figure things out and that has become a comfort of untold magnitude! I was not very good at deciphering Life's roadsigns, anyway. Few of my plans came to fruition (though the ones that did have been great and magnificent gifts) and so many things I had not even considered became real. Through it all, I have become Gayle. Peeling back layers, peeking into mirrors, learning to Love what I see. Embracing Life; like a baby learning to walk, I stumble. Then, I get up and try again.
You know, I am starting to understand what it really means to have abundance; to be free from want and lack. It doesn't mean that there aren't things or circumstances that I desire, because I think as a human I am wired to desire. But, it means I am comfortable with the ambiguity, the uncertainty, the chaos of Life. It means I trust Life, not to be perfect, but to be alive, energized, full of possibility, at all times.
Remembering that I am a living manifestation of Spirit makes it easy to trust as Life unfolds. When I thought I had to manage everything, keep everything under control, I found myself stressed and turning to my habitual behaviors to keep me from going under. These past few weeks I have been short-circuiting that circular, negative and unproductive thinking and have found it easier to live the lifestyle I know is best for me.
I've been exercising, drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. I have not obtained perfect balance, but that's a judgment, after all, isn't it? What I am really after is more Joy in each day, each hour, each moment. I am finding it, little by little.
Even though I knew in my head that another human being couldn't make me happy, I am beginning to understand with my heart and soul why this is true. I have to be happy in order to be happy with someone else. And, truthfully, I have tended to see (and anticipate) Life's disappointments with far more clarity than its opportunities.
But, that is all in the past. Right now, in this moment I am sharing my secrets with my friends in blogland and I am happy. I am alive, I am at peace, I am full of wonder, learning and Joy. Right now, and now, and now. Tomorrow will take care of itself and yesterday was only a dream. This moment is my Life and I give thanks for it.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours! May every one of you be filled with complete and perfect Love, from the inside out.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Pan and Babel
Well this week marks a sort of triumph - I went to the movies twice, as an adult, without a child for whom I needed to edit the choice of said movies. Hip, Hip, Hurray for me!!!
Both movies (though I did not plan it, nor even had an awareness of it until just now) revolved aroung the lives of children. Irony, eh? They were both international films and worthy of seeing. The first was Pan's Labyrinth. An incredibly beautiful and moving story of a little girl whose Life is privileged and harsh; set against the backdrop of post-WWII Spain. It is a movies which is rich in detail, nuance and depth. In the interest of your going to see it, I won't describe it much further. Suffice it to say that this movie will tug at you, play with you and, ultimately, ask you to face reality. How much fantasy you are willing to bring with you is the question you must answer in the end. Absolutely beautiful.
The second film I saw was Babel. Set in Morocco, Japan and Mexico this movie was, well, a very good try. I found I could not connect to the American characters as deeply as was called for, in order to consider this a great film. The American characters were too self-absorbed and shallow which, I get is the point the director is attempting to make about Americans, but it was far too obvious and lacking in texture.
The entire time I watched the story in Japan unfold, I admit I was caught up in being a Mom, terrified for the daughter and the chances she was taking in Life because of her pain. The Mexican story was beautiful to watch and, in the end, sad and horrifying to endure. And, truthfully, it was in some ways predictable.
However, this is a film worth seeing for the way it captures the joy and the brutality of Life and for the acting which is better than good (at least a B+).
I think my ambiguous feeling arise from the fact that there is simply no redemption for anyone, only the brutality of consequence or the benefits of privilege are displayed in the film. But the director does a good job of building the film and the actors good jobs of presenting. Of course, this film has much more money behind it (I suspect) than Pan, so it will likely take more awards. Still, you should go see it.
Lastly, I do have some thoughts on this mind focus work I've been doing, but they'll have to wait a bit before I share. It's late and time for sleep.
Whatever your frailties, faults or failures, may you find redemption and freedom on your path.
Both movies (though I did not plan it, nor even had an awareness of it until just now) revolved aroung the lives of children. Irony, eh? They were both international films and worthy of seeing. The first was Pan's Labyrinth. An incredibly beautiful and moving story of a little girl whose Life is privileged and harsh; set against the backdrop of post-WWII Spain. It is a movies which is rich in detail, nuance and depth. In the interest of your going to see it, I won't describe it much further. Suffice it to say that this movie will tug at you, play with you and, ultimately, ask you to face reality. How much fantasy you are willing to bring with you is the question you must answer in the end. Absolutely beautiful.
The second film I saw was Babel. Set in Morocco, Japan and Mexico this movie was, well, a very good try. I found I could not connect to the American characters as deeply as was called for, in order to consider this a great film. The American characters were too self-absorbed and shallow which, I get is the point the director is attempting to make about Americans, but it was far too obvious and lacking in texture.
The entire time I watched the story in Japan unfold, I admit I was caught up in being a Mom, terrified for the daughter and the chances she was taking in Life because of her pain. The Mexican story was beautiful to watch and, in the end, sad and horrifying to endure. And, truthfully, it was in some ways predictable.
However, this is a film worth seeing for the way it captures the joy and the brutality of Life and for the acting which is better than good (at least a B+).
I think my ambiguous feeling arise from the fact that there is simply no redemption for anyone, only the brutality of consequence or the benefits of privilege are displayed in the film. But the director does a good job of building the film and the actors good jobs of presenting. Of course, this film has much more money behind it (I suspect) than Pan, so it will likely take more awards. Still, you should go see it.
Lastly, I do have some thoughts on this mind focus work I've been doing, but they'll have to wait a bit before I share. It's late and time for sleep.
Whatever your frailties, faults or failures, may you find redemption and freedom on your path.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Friday, February 02, 2007
Changing my Mind
This morning I awoke earlier than usual; the sky was still black and I was sweating. The child wonder had crawled into my bed, hence the extra body heat.
Rather than be annoyed, like I normally would, I decided to practice my new way of thinking and gave thanks for such a wonderful and Loving daughter. I realized how much richer my Life is with her in it. With her dry wit, willingness to work hard and openness to the world around her, I have a glimpse into the world through the eyes of my child. There is no better view.
Turning onto my back, I took a few gentle breaths and closed my eyes. Letting my mind open to the vast space of no thought. I'm not sure when it happened, but I fell asleep and then found myself waking up again. I did one more round of that and bounced out of bed.
The old me would have chastised myself for not 'doing' the empty mind thing right. But, I'm on a new path. On this path all is well just as it is and I do what I do because I value doing it.
I think I was more focused at work and more aware of when I lapsed into negativity. I just changed my mind and moved on. It was great! I'm looking forward to discovering what will emerge after 6 months or a year of this. I have some things in mind and I'll share them with you in a bit.
Smile a big smile!!!
Rather than be annoyed, like I normally would, I decided to practice my new way of thinking and gave thanks for such a wonderful and Loving daughter. I realized how much richer my Life is with her in it. With her dry wit, willingness to work hard and openness to the world around her, I have a glimpse into the world through the eyes of my child. There is no better view.
Turning onto my back, I took a few gentle breaths and closed my eyes. Letting my mind open to the vast space of no thought. I'm not sure when it happened, but I fell asleep and then found myself waking up again. I did one more round of that and bounced out of bed.
The old me would have chastised myself for not 'doing' the empty mind thing right. But, I'm on a new path. On this path all is well just as it is and I do what I do because I value doing it.
I think I was more focused at work and more aware of when I lapsed into negativity. I just changed my mind and moved on. It was great! I'm looking forward to discovering what will emerge after 6 months or a year of this. I have some things in mind and I'll share them with you in a bit.
Smile a big smile!!!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Our thoughts and feelings create our world. I've been rolling this around on my tongue and through my mind over the past twenty years. It resonates with me, deeply. I can see the connectedness between my experiences and my feelings/thoughts. I am just beginning to find the pathway towards those experiences that I desire.
Focus on what you desire - easy to say, often hard to do. The immediacy of those things that irk me, those 'wrong' people, ideas and behaviors seem much easier to tap into than my aspirations. One step back.
So, I've decided to use my mind constructively, to float each morning in emptiness - the power of now at my disposal - and shed the 'stuff' that normally fills my brain upon waking. Instead I will think of nothing; live in the gap.
Then, I will consciously chose to live in the creation of my desires. Feel it, think it, know it, be it. One step forward.
New day, new way.
Love to you.
Focus on what you desire - easy to say, often hard to do. The immediacy of those things that irk me, those 'wrong' people, ideas and behaviors seem much easier to tap into than my aspirations. One step back.
So, I've decided to use my mind constructively, to float each morning in emptiness - the power of now at my disposal - and shed the 'stuff' that normally fills my brain upon waking. Instead I will think of nothing; live in the gap.
Then, I will consciously chose to live in the creation of my desires. Feel it, think it, know it, be it. One step forward.
New day, new way.
Love to you.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Saturday Morning & the SAT
I dropped the child-wonder off to take the SAT this morning. She was selected to participate in a talent search program because of her academic performance and the SAT is a part of the process. It was an odd experience, standing there, sharing her excitment and her apprehension at taking this college-bound test. I was grateful for the gift of such a bright and Loving child. Watching her realize how young she is, ("Mommy, I think I'm the youngest one here") and then be so composed amidst the river of high school students that surrounded us.
Driving home, I had a wave of sadness. I'm not sure where the feeling came from; maybe just the understanding that she is such a separate entity from me. Connected to me, yes, but taking big steps into her own future. I remember when I stood in that place and I feel just a little frightened that she may step in some of the spots I landed in. I realize I cannot prevent any of that from happening. There is just so much I desire for that jewel, so much she deserves.
Anyway, I snapped myself out of that train of thought and started to get really pumped-up about the possibilities for her. I can't even imagine half of what she may be able to do and be. But, that's one of the joys of parenting. I also thought about all the children who don't have this opportunity, through no fault of their own, and felt priveleged and lucky and thankful. There are so many moments I get to have because of my education and the part of the world in which I live. I can only imagine how different my Life would be if I had been born and lived in Soweto or Kosovo.
Onto another topic: those promotions at work are looking a bit more elusive than they did at the end of last year. When my boss sat me down to break the news that it wasn't going to be a done deal - there would be hoops through which I had to successfully jump, it didn't take me by surprise or throw me off balance and that, my friends, is a real sign of growth. I simply told my boss I was committed to the work and would do my part to make it happen and was relying on him to do his part. He is, for the most part, a good guy and I think he will do what he can to support my upward movement. So, we'll see if the stars line up and the hard work pays off.
Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the whole concept of retirement. I have 6.5 years to vest with my current employer and 9.5 before I could retire with a modest pension. That's not too shabby considering I haven't saved a penny except for the equity in my home, which technically still belongs to the bank and won't be paid off for another 21 years. That's yet another reason I really want the promotion and it's associated raise. I'd like to pay off the house a lot sooner. In fact, if I could do it in the 9.5 years between now and that carrot of a pension, I feel like my mature years could be a bit of a party. Assuming that Congress is able to stop little Georgie from increasing troops and completely screwing-up foriegn affairs in the last couple of years of his term, of course.
I dream the big dreams of my womanchild living a Life that fulfills her, selling the house for a nice two bedroom condo in the heart of the city, consulting, taking courses, traveling; maybe even a man in there somewhere.
Ah, to have hope, to dream, to Live.
Later Gators...
Driving home, I had a wave of sadness. I'm not sure where the feeling came from; maybe just the understanding that she is such a separate entity from me. Connected to me, yes, but taking big steps into her own future. I remember when I stood in that place and I feel just a little frightened that she may step in some of the spots I landed in. I realize I cannot prevent any of that from happening. There is just so much I desire for that jewel, so much she deserves.
Anyway, I snapped myself out of that train of thought and started to get really pumped-up about the possibilities for her. I can't even imagine half of what she may be able to do and be. But, that's one of the joys of parenting. I also thought about all the children who don't have this opportunity, through no fault of their own, and felt priveleged and lucky and thankful. There are so many moments I get to have because of my education and the part of the world in which I live. I can only imagine how different my Life would be if I had been born and lived in Soweto or Kosovo.
Onto another topic: those promotions at work are looking a bit more elusive than they did at the end of last year. When my boss sat me down to break the news that it wasn't going to be a done deal - there would be hoops through which I had to successfully jump, it didn't take me by surprise or throw me off balance and that, my friends, is a real sign of growth. I simply told my boss I was committed to the work and would do my part to make it happen and was relying on him to do his part. He is, for the most part, a good guy and I think he will do what he can to support my upward movement. So, we'll see if the stars line up and the hard work pays off.
Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the whole concept of retirement. I have 6.5 years to vest with my current employer and 9.5 before I could retire with a modest pension. That's not too shabby considering I haven't saved a penny except for the equity in my home, which technically still belongs to the bank and won't be paid off for another 21 years. That's yet another reason I really want the promotion and it's associated raise. I'd like to pay off the house a lot sooner. In fact, if I could do it in the 9.5 years between now and that carrot of a pension, I feel like my mature years could be a bit of a party. Assuming that Congress is able to stop little Georgie from increasing troops and completely screwing-up foriegn affairs in the last couple of years of his term, of course.
I dream the big dreams of my womanchild living a Life that fulfills her, selling the house for a nice two bedroom condo in the heart of the city, consulting, taking courses, traveling; maybe even a man in there somewhere.
Ah, to have hope, to dream, to Live.
Later Gators...
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Well, I turned 50 (if you did the math you knew that already) and it was anticlimatic. I realize I have spent much of the past 10 years in anticipation of when things would get better. I am just beginning to come to terms with the reality that things are exactly what they are.
Most days I feel the need to think in future terms - someday when my Prince comes, when my pockets overflow, when the world truly lives in peace... Such nice fantasies.
On rare days I face what is right in front of me. I've been reading "The Power of Now"; all about focusing on the present as it is, which ain't really all that bad. I try to remember that. I try to Live out of that.
Easy Greasy...
Most days I feel the need to think in future terms - someday when my Prince comes, when my pockets overflow, when the world truly lives in peace... Such nice fantasies.
On rare days I face what is right in front of me. I've been reading "The Power of Now"; all about focusing on the present as it is, which ain't really all that bad. I try to remember that. I try to Live out of that.
Easy Greasy...
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